My Dream...that came in story form the night after Mama Dragons memorial

The past few months have left me feeling  very out of my element. I had been surrounded by so much loss that it was beginning to get hard to breath.  When I got the news that Trudy had passed away.....I was overwhelmed....I cried every time I thought about her. I did not know her as long as I would have liked but her influence, her love, and her laughter were far reaching. She is one of those people that you meet and your life is forever changed. I was not really looking forward to having to say goodbye at her memorial; but in desperate need of being close to my friends, my chosen family, and all those who knew Mama Dragon and loved her. The turn out said it all.....and I learned that I don't have to say good bye. She is going to live through us and with us always. I left feeling sad but hopeful, because you can't be around anything to do with Trudy, and walk away without hope or a smile. Right before I was going to go to sleep that night I looked outside and the ground was covered in snow. I got a message from Krissi saying what I already knew....it was Mama Dragon...letting us know that all is well. I went to sleep feeling more at peace than I had in a long time. Then I had a dream unlike any other I have ever had....it was in story form...and it was directed at me to help me move forward through the loss of my Dad and let the grief  go.Please forgive anything that is not grammatically correct...its hard to write about a dream...and I am just going to try and get it out as close to the original as I can. Also I know that everyone walks a different path....and I am in no way trying to push my views on anyone...just trying to heal...=)

The narrator (who I never saw in the dream) started out by saying I have a story for you.......

She said you have always used the analogy about the importance of taking care of
your body by asking yourself and others "What if at birth you were given a car....and told that this was the only car you will ever receive so take care of it. What if we lived in that reality....how would we maintain our cars". From there the story started ...it was much like the Disney show Cars.(lol ...I know kinda corny)
   In this story we were all born into a car. We had no choice as to what car we had or the condition of the car. We were here for the experience of driving aka living. As cars we all drove around to work ...home (which of course was a garage) ...school. 
     We lived just like we do now...only we were in cars instead of bodies. Some cars never stepped out onto roads that were long or twisty...and some cars loved nothing more than to just get out on the open road and let the car run.  We all had friends and family and those that we loved.  We lived ...loved and tried our best to understand life and live it in a way we thought we should. 
     Now you couldn't see the person in the car....but they were there...and they(much like we do) judged themselves by the appearance of the car...by how fast the car could drive....or how much money the car could bring in. They learned to think that they were the car....and nothing more. 
     One day a beloved car broke down....and the mechanics could not find the parts to fix the car and the car died. When that happened the cars that loved her were heart broken. However, at the moment the car died...something happened....the door opened and a girl walked out. She stretched her arms and legs and began to walk...something that was brand new. She was deliciously overwhelmed by all the new wonderful sensations....she was so happy. She had not realized until that moment just how confined she had been in that car. She noticed at that moment how limited she had been and just how wonderful it felt to be her and not defined by the car she was driving. She realized at that moment how much time we all waste defining ourselves by the vehicles we were in. She realized how caught up we had all become in something that was a learning experience...something we all had wanted to do.
     Overcome with joy she took off running and could feel the grass under her feet....she could see her friends that she had  thought she lost in the distance, running to greet her. They shared hugs and laughter......they were there to greet her and help her on this new adventure.  
     She turned around to share all this joy with her friends and loved ones who were still in cars....but they were crying. She ran over to each of them and tried to make them see that she was still here...but she was free and happy and better than she had ever been. She never died.....she never would....she was simply progressing on her journey. 
     She did things that she knew only those who knew her would understand ....a way of letting them know that she was still there....she listened to the stories...and laughed when they finally stopped crying and honored her by laughing and taking care of each other.  
      Then the narrator said....you have been taught and now you must let go and stop defining yourself by the body you are in. You are so much more than that. While you are here  love....learn ...grow ...be in service.... help.....and know that I and lots of those who love you are always here...always ready to help and give guidance...you just have to listen. The small voice...the feelings....the wind blowing...little things. You can't be so caught up in life or you will miss them. Slow down and enjoy this and know one day it will be your turn to open the door and walk out. I will be waiting when you do....with love, laughter and open arms.

I think that Mama Dragon helped to send that dream to me. I think that anyone who knows her has been taught. We all know or are learning that we are here for the experience of living.....we are here to learn. It is not a forever thing and we should try and remember not to get so caught up in the trivial moments in this life. Instead we should focus on things that impact each other on a heart/soul level. Things that bring love and joy. Anyone who loved Trudy was influenced on a heart/soul level. She taught us well....to love ....to laugh....and to just make relax and make it up if we get stuck or lost. Now we must honor her and continue her story.

I am looking forward to the upcoming year.,,,,,I am finally feeling a sense of peace. I am releasing all the bonds and things that have held me back. I am going to live in love....going to let go of fear...going to laugh....going to find joy.....I am going to live......


I love you Mama Dragon....I know you are still with us....I will remember you as you were here...and honor your lessons.....and I will be listening and waiting for  your guidance....

The Path

Silently gliding down a path

Yet I know not why

Love in all it forms

Passing me

Slow down I can not

Staying only for the time to grow

Knowing that those who have been in my heart

Are there forever more

Why? 

I hear so many times

It haunts my peaceful sleep

For I have not any answers

I have no words to speak

I only know to the depth of soul

That on this path I must go

Where it leads I am told

Will be one of the greatest stories ever told

Therefore I must do my part 

To help the story unfold

Guided by the hands of fate

Trusted …Feared…

Born of the fire of complete rebirth

Ashes to beauty….fear to trust

Alone becomes together

Yet for the time being

I must walk….must learn…must grow

Look darkness in the eyes…

Look fear in the face

And move

Trusting

That in the end all will be as promised

My path will not lead to more turmoil

Just blissful happiness

Tears will not be in vain

Heartache will be a distant memory

Those moments that hurt will fade

Those feelings of fear will dissipate

Life will be as it was meant

Full of love 

I will be free

Connected to all that is

Connected to all that will be

My Daddy

     Time stopped the moment I heard that my daddy was finally free of pain because he had crossed over. There are no words, no expressions, no adequate way of describing the amount of pain that encompasses every fiber of my being. I know I should keep in mind that he has not really left me....that he is happy...but some days I just need him to be here in physical form.

     
     Dad was very sick for a long time before he passed away. He spent countless hours in his bed just trying to get through waves of pain. I thought that was how I would always remember him....so it surprised me that most of my memories of him are of how alive he was and how much strength he brought our family. Things that I thought I had long forgotten roll in and out of my mind on a daily basis.
 I remember all the things he did as my daddy.....I remember fishing with him and catching a huge cat fish....dad ran over and try to reel it in because I was to small to do it on my own....but it got away. I remember riding in the canoe and watching our dog Froto jump out in the creek and swim. I remember putting on our "pumpkin hunting clothes" which consisted of bright orange hats, flannel shirts, and jeans, so we could go shopping for just the right pumpkin. I remember picking pecans in woods behind the house.... Chasing after armadillos....and the look of panic on my dads face when he had to track me down in the woods because I jumped the fence in our back yard and ran into the woods trying to catch one on my own.... I remember......Our trips to Landa Park to feed the ducks......my first hunting trip with my dad and grandpa....showing off all the bugs and frogs I would catch....stopping at the bakery on our way to Landa Park......listening to him sings songs off of 8 tracks....his laugh.....the way he would laugh and laugh while watching silly shows like Ren and Stimpy or Bevis and Butthead.....the dress that he bought me for my first dance...it was a very frilly old Victorian dress..nothing but lace and ruffles.. I remember the look of pride on his face as he presented it to me and the feeling of  absolute terror I had at the thought of wearing it. I remember my dad teaching me to drive...listening to music in the back of the small car. I remember how he could take something as normal as a gas station and turn it into something magical. For us the gas stations were candy stores...I remember how he would captivate us with the stories from his youth. I remember how safe he made me feel......how safe I was when he hugged me.....how safe I felt just knowing he was here.
     My dad was dreamer with plans and dreams that were larger than life. I remember laying in bed with him and designing our future home on the massive amount of land he dreamed of owning. It was beautiful...we added a pool, a hot tub, a toy room, and each of us kids had our own room. He always laughed as he drew and added to my ever growing list .....a basketball court, a dance room and a tennis court. When we would finish he would look at it and say " we will live here someday" and with everything that was in me ....I believed him....still do. He gave me the greatest gift... the ability to dream and believe. He allowed me to dream big without any blocks or hesitations.He reinforced my love for nature and the beauty and power that comes from the earth. He opened my heart and taught me from example the joy of helping others. He was always helping everyone.
     These are just a few of the things that he did as my dad...I could write a book on the gifts and joys that he brought to my life...........Time marched on and daddy transitioned into Papaw and his grand babies only opened his heart more. There was nothing that he would not do for his grand kids. He missed them like crazy when they were not with him. His room was known as the sanctuary and as long as the kids were safe in his room they could not be punished for anything...period. He was able to sit and spend hours with them talking and watching TV. As much as he loved them.......they returned the love for him 10 times over. He could do no wrong......even when he was in his worst pain...he had time and patience to hold and love his babies.. My sisters little girl Ana Lyn lived further away ...but was always in his heart....he would pull her pictures out and talk about how much he missed her ....and tell us all of the stories that Amy had  told him about what she had been doing. When I talked to my kids about their favorite memories of him they talked and talked about all that he did for them....all the fun they had.....and said there were to many to choose from.* getting marker tattoos....sucking Papaws thumb instead of a pacifier...trips to Fort Pillow before he got sick*.....but my youngest summed it up when he said...."I use to hang out in his room with him all the time....its all I ever needed."
     I spent to much time the last few months of his life being angry with him. I spent to much time wishing he would quit trying to change me and love me for me. I wish that I spent that time seeing that he needed all of us. He needed me.....and it wasn't that he was trying to change me.....he always wanted what was best...even if we disagreed on what that was. I wish I could have seen how much he really loved me before he passed. I wish that I could have seen just how much alike we really are. That all the stubbornness and passion that he brought when we argued about something ....was mirrored in me. I wish that I had realized I was frustrating him just as much if not more.I wish I could have appreciated all the gifts he brought to my life and been able to see that we really saw life much the same way....just with a different life story and perspective. I wish I had just laughed about it or I could have just seen it and not tried to change his views....wish I had just loved him and soaked up every minute I had with him.  My dad brought so much life and magic to every ones life and  I wish that in the last year of his life I had been able to remember all the good. I wish that I had not let all the petty arguments keep me from spending time with him. I just couldn't see how much I really needed him. I know now just how great he was to all of us and that are all feeling lost without him. I wish that I could feel arms around me one more time.
    I know I can't change anything that happened.....and that being the great man that he is.. he gave me another great gift when he passed. He made me see life differently....he reinforced the importance of being happy with where you and made me see how precious our time is with the ones we love. He taught me that we should not hold grudges....we should never hold back love or hold back telling someone how much they mean to us. He taught me that when we get caught up in our lives and problems...we fail to see the love and beauty around us. He taught me not to take anything for granted . He taught me to love the small things in my life and to find joy in them....to live and not fear.....he taught me that every day that I wake up and go through life with the ability to move and not feel pain....I am blessed.

     I know he is with me.....he is in my heart. He continues to bless my life every day. His love fuels my passion for life and love for my kids..my family...my loved ones....my friends.  He has not left us....his spirit will always be evident in not only my mom....and brother and sisters....but in his grand kids as well.....He left a legacy that much like his dreams is larger than life....  

Wishing to Fly

Another old blog from myspace.... December 15, 2008 

 

Like a bird she wishes she could fly

Through the air…no troubles so high

Walking on the ground she sighs…

For things here just make her cry

Nothing is easy and she is always lost

Reaching out for someone to heal her broken heart

Her soul is losing its light and its force

For what was once brilliant…

Is now amber and soft…

She is fading and wishes only to be free

Free of the hurt…free of all the bad dreams

Free of all of the lies that run free

She wants to feel the love that she gives…

Wants to know that others can care

All on her own and alone inside

She finds a safe place to run and hide

Lying under the moon with tears streaming down her face

She slowly and sadly accepts her fate…..

Her life begins to flash before her eyes.

This is not what she wants...she would rather die

Why could no one see her simple needs

Her soul is filling with fervor of fire

No more tears she vows

She pulls herself up and stares at the sky

Rage begins to swell within her

She swallows down all of the anger and hate…

There is a fire in her eyes no one can tame

She will have to break the ties that bond her to this existence

She will be free and she will fly away...

Consequences matter not

It is her destiny and her fate…no one can stop it

They saw the hurt to late…

Now she flies throughout the night time sky

Empowered and free

Stories 

 

~~~I posted this on myspace on February 17, 2008 ....going to try and transfer some of my favorite myspace blogs to this blogging site. Less to keep up with =)~~

 

   Stories we all have them… They are the essence of who we are. They are the events and things in our lives that shaped molded and guided us into the people we are today. We all sit around and laughing and relating and reliving our beloved memories through our stories. Along with the good we all have stories that give us pause and make us reflect back on times of sorrow and times of great personal growth. Most of the time we share these stories and use them to reach out and help others or to receive help ourselves. However, there are some that we don't share…..some that we lock up and never face. These are the stories that we desperately wish we could forget……but they are the stories that never seem to leave. Instead of becoming a past story it becomes one that rears itself out of the darkness and reeks complete havoc on lives. It pushes past all the walls that one has put around it and leaves you breathless and unsure about how you are going to handle dealing with these past issues …….in the here and now ….. without losing your composure and without letting anyone know. However, despite how they feel inside they have long mastered the art of "being ok" No one around them would ever suspect or even know that there were any issues or problems. This leaves them feeling very alone….always…even in a room full of people. Facing everything on there own makes them strong well beyond there years…..it leaves others to see them as fearless…and they are to a point…..except in dealing with the story and their  emotions. Feeling is scarier to them than anything…because that requires dropping your guard…it requires trust…it requires a whole lot more than they can give. For every time they do let down their guard even a small amount and get hurt…they buildup stronger bigger walls….leaving them more and more alone. Allowing others to see them in pain or out of control leaves makes them feel weak and so they never feel safe enough to reach out and let the story go.
    This leaves one dying inside slowly…. Changing and distorting their perspective on life and leaving them in cloud of fear and darkness. Death is not always physical in nature. A person can be around everyday with a smile.. Busy….. Seemingly happy…always there for everyone else……always having your back. However because they have locked up so much grief …sorrow…fear and pain …it has turned into a poison that is slowing killing the very essence and light of that person. It is amazing that you can watch someone "die" right in front of you. However, the symptoms are always there if you really slow down… look and want to see. On that same note…. It only takes one person reaching out a hand to make all the difference. One person to be the light that leads the person in the right direction… the light where others can help.
     This time of year haunts me the most…… Logically it shouldn't affect me so much anymore……….. but because I never allowed my voice to be heard….. Because I choose to hid all the fear… sorrow and pain …… it still does. It is this time of year that it is hardest for me to keep an upbeat attitude..… because it feels like an act.. It is the time of year when I have to face that I am not always in control…… and that things happen that you can not help or control.


     I was lucky however because I was blessed to have someone reach out years ago and have me at least take a layer off my story by admitting to one person that I had one…. This allowed me to turn and take small steps back towards the light….. Allowing me to be in  the right places at the right times... where I was able to learn and grow…it allowed me to be ready to open up and trust again…YEARS later..

     Just in the past few years have I really felt like I am stepping back into the light…feeling the breeze …... and wishing on stars again. In the past few years I have slowly been able to see through the clouds and finally take back some control from a story that held me in its grips. I let my story…….my past….trickle its poison into my life for years …….and years. Allowed it to cloud my thoughts and eliminate my trust in life…..people and most importantly left me afraid and untrusting of myself.
     I know that I am not all the way there yet…..because I am still not able to tell my story…..I don't know that I ever will. But I admit that I have one…..and that it is finally beginning to find its way back to the past where it belongs…. Where it can no longer cloud my future…..
     We all have stories...... and we all should learn to share and trust and be the people we need other to be for us…I have been unbelievably blessed with some of the most wonderful people in my life….. The love and friendship that I felt and feel... allows for me have faith….and believe that all things happen for a reason even if we never know why… My story taught me that if I just stop being afraid and look up…..the person that I need in that moment….. Is always going to be there to take my hand …… I have been so blessed….and I hope that I am able to help others in same way that I have been helped…….I wouldn't be who I am today without my friends and loved one.

Storms

     I noticed something for the first time today. Something that I always thought I had seen...but was able to see with a different lens or filter as it were today. For the first time, I truly saw the beauty of the storm, the power of the winds of change, and the light and magic that illuminate the darkness.  I found myself being pulled to go outside and stand in the wind. I closed my eyes and just stood outside looking up and waiting. I had no idea what I was waiting for, but I was waiting. Standing there facing the storm a gust of wind came up that nearly took me off my feet. As I fought to maintain balance I found myself laughing in delight. I opened my eyes and found bliss in the way the wind tossed my hair, loving the coolness of the wind gliding all over my skin. It was almost as if you could hear the wind speaking through the trees today; telling of an impending storm. Celebrating the changes by shaking the leaves off the trees in a brilliant display of confetti. Then the rain began to fall stinging my face as it fell fiercely from the sky. Instead of running inside, I danced....and the rain didn't hurt anymore. Instead, I felt it washing away all the worry, cleansing and cooling the wounds of the "fire" that I have been standing in. A moment later the sun began to peak timidly through the clouds...lighting small areas of the yard. That is when it all really began to sink in for me. 
    I stood there and realized that power sometimes comes from letting go. Power comes from allowing the winds to pull away things that no longer serve you. When you find that power you become stronger because true personal power is found in peace with in ones self.
     For me peace comes in many ways. Peace comes from laughing at fear. Peace comes from dancing with the leaves in the rain while the wind blows. Peace comes from looking directly at the storm and not backing down. Peace comes from finding the courage and energy to stand back up ...no matter how many times the wind knocks me down. Peace comes from living the life I want. In that peace there is silence....a quieting of the mind.....the ability to stop all the worry.
     I learned today that while a storm carries much power and I have NO ability to control it, it should not be feared. It should be respected, but not feared. For a storms, like changes in life, sometimes come in ominously and sometimes they catch us off guard. Sometimes we fear and fight them, and sometimes we revel and delight in them. However, we choose the handle the winds and storms we must remember they are a just a part of life, of growth, of change. Moving us always into the life we were meant to live, keeping us growing and learning, moving us always to the light.