Sometimes.....

Sometimes the damage is to severe
To catastrophic to fix
Sometimes a new trauma can break open older traumas that have not been dealt with
Traumas and wounds that have been tightly sealed by an illusion of trust and control   
Once broken, the poison from those festering wounds, unleashes on the body and spirit with the fury of a cork released from a wine bottle
Spilling out in an unforgiving cascade....

Spiritually ...

You code...you die...but you come back....

Once the initial shock subsides .....you look and seem ok...        
Tired and drained. ...but here

However, the toxin is still left to reek havoc on the body..

Without help or intervention

It spreads....infecting every fiber and cell in the spirit, mind and body 
If left unchecked. ....  
The damage is typically irreversible
We can try...and we do...for warriors never go down without a fight
We hang on to hope...like a lifeline from certain death..
We can meditate ......do yoga...eat right....chant ....we can try to heal
But all the while knowing that catastrophic injuries are just what they seem  
Catastrophic. ....
And sometimes no matter how hard we try..
We just can't save ourselves

Goddess Moon

She felt small, insignificant and insecure as she stepped out under the bright moon
Wrapping her jacket a little tighter to block out the cold
She had ignored the pull of the moon over last month and her soul was more weary than she could have imagined.
Finding a place to sit, the trees, her guardians blocked the sting of the cold. 
She closed her eyes, opened her heart, and poured all of the fear and hurt out to the moon
All at once she felt her heart fill full with love as the moon poured it's magic into her
The Goddess closed her eyes ready to hear what the moon had to say
Ready for answers to all the questions that burned in her like fire
"My child", replied the moon, "the answers will come. First you must release all of this hurt...All of what you fear. You are holding on to so much that you haven't been able to hear me. Just sit and breathe. Sit and know that you are a Goddess....Sit and know you are never alone."
She took a deep breathe and the tears came, dripping off her face in fat drops....washing it all away
In that sacred moment, she could feel the earth helping to pull the sadness and anger into the ground
She could feel the earth supporting and rooting her....grounding her until she felt safe.
It felt as if the trees bent closer wrapping thier branches around her...protecting and loving her.
The wind slowed and bathed her skin in its cool embrace...cooling the fire that had raged.
You are whole she heard them say..
You are enough...
She knew not how long she sat under the protection of the moon..
But when she rose.....she felt more powerful than she had
Still tender.....but full of hope
She thanked the moon......and stepped inside to lose herself in the deepest sleep...
Before she stepped inside, she looked back up at the moon once more in gratitude.
The wind blew gently, as moon softly whispered,
"Remember sweet Goddess. ...I am always here. ....you always have my magic. You will find that warrior strength again. ...it never left....let go and heal."

Ramblings for today

It's safe to say that I hate being alone. 

That those spaces in time where I am left alone are hard.
It's safe to say that when things are crazy I crave alone time..only to find it scares me.
It's safe to say I have had enough of being treated like shit....and I know it is going to stop
It's safe to say that I am done with feeling like I am second choice.. ....or in case plan A fails..
It's safe to say I am tired of holding back what I need..

Including what I need to do and what I need to say....
It's safe to say....that things are going to change. ....
That this time next year.....my life will be radically different
It's safe to say....you can get on board or get out of the way

Warriors

If I Die Today

If I die today
And my spirit floats gently to the heavens
Up and away
Will you know all the things I never could say
Will you know how my heart loves yours
That even staring into the abyss
It was your light that gave me peace
Will you know how my body yearned for yours
How much I wanted to tell you I love you
But kept those words under lock and key
Will you know the sound of your breathing at night was keeping me alive
For you fought away the nightmares of other things I couldn't speak
When my spirit leaves
Will you know that a piece of it will be with you wherever you go
So sleep my love in peaceful serenity
I am here
For, from you I can never go
We have loved in more lifetimes than you know   
You are my light, my love, my dream
Feel me in the rain, the wind,
Feel me under the sun and moon
You are love
I will be near
Making sure the light shines on you even when all seems dark
Sleep my love until your body can no longer hold your massive spirit
For that is why most of our bodies die
Find me, when your spirit drifts to the heavens
I won't be far

Darkness and Hope

~Another old post....

Sitting alone under the vast night sky
Staring at the stars that twinkle so high
Wishing for answers to all that she seeks
Desperation and fear begin to creep
She is on the edge of losing it all
Knowing she will be all alone when she falls
Loved by so many
Yet she always feels numb
Wishing and praying for the light to come
The light that will open her eyes and her heart
To let her step out in the sun
Each night spend praying for more control
To the moon she pours out her heart and her soul
Needing to know
Hating to trust
Wishing that she was enough
Haunted by a past that won't go away
Leaves her fighting this war everyday
No one will know of the battle inside
No one will feel the pain that she hides
Looking for someone that she can let in
Praying she won't hurt again
Someone to love her and never let go
Bringing the light to her heart and her soul
Chasing away all the fear and the pain
Letting her dance in the rain
Shes all alone when she closes her eyes 
Dreaming of a bright sun filled sky

My Ramblings for Today....

I have found myself seeking magic over the last few months. Not the wave your wand kind of magic (although I have to admit I would love that kind) but the everyday magic that makes life wonderful. It is finding the wonder and beauty in everything. It is seeing those you love light up when you walk through the door, it is a hug that says everything, a look from a friend that lets you know that they get where your at, it is the laughter of my children, the list goes on and on.
  In looking for that magic, I have found it in all those places  and in places I never thought I would. I have found it in the soft glow of the moon. In the whispers from the trees....in the sound and flow of water. I have found it in the love and friendships that emerged and held me up. In those around me who always seem to believe in me.....and are always reminding me of my power and worth....even when I can't see it myself.  It has also left me more sensitive to areas that I am not seeing it, areas that I thought would be the easiest to find it. Areas where I was trying to force the magic that I wanted to see. Magic is all around me ...you ...all of us. Its not about seeking it....or finding it.....its about opening your eyes and heart to all the amazing love energy and magic around you everyday. That kind of magic builds on itself and grows into something that leaves you breathless. Grateful everyday for the amazing friends and loved ones who reminded of that .....and pulled me back into my moon lit ...glitter filled world of fairies and talking trees.  Namaste...