Maybe One Day

Maybe one day
I will love myself
Love myself enough
To demand more
Love myself enough
To not settle
On tattered illusions of love
Hold myself to a higher standard
Only give my heart to those
Whom I trust not to break it
Maybe one day...
But until then
I will love you with the shattered pieces
Cut myself on every betrayal
Live with the pain of open wounds

Suffer from the infections

Caused by the wounds
Mark my body with scars
Scars that you will one day
Look at with disdain
Love you more than myself
For the world has taught me to accept
Taught me I have no right
No right to ask for more
Yet here I stand
Wishing for more
Wishing for real
Wishing to be braver
Wishing to be stronger
Wishing I could shut my heart off
Turn it cold at the sound of your voice
Turn it off when you are wrapped
Tightly around my body
Not feel your kisses
Not feel the butterflies when you smile at me
Forget the calm your touch brings
Maybe one day
But tonight
Tonight I surround myself in darkness
You my only source of light
And I will find ecstasy in my suffering
So...yes...maybe
Maybe one day
Just not tonight

We All Crave Love.....

We all crave love
Not just any love
We crave a love that burns
A fire spinning, no holds bar, kind of love
An exciting love that provides trust and stability, within all that excitement
The kind of love that lights up the darkest corners of our soul
A kind of love that allows us
To see ourselves
Through the eyes of someone who adores us
A kind of love that holds on tighter when mediocre love would give up
Fuck Mediocre
Why do we ever settle for half ass when it comes to love
We need someone who sees all of our imperfections
And loves them
Not tolerates them
Not loves us in spite of
Someone who sees bravery in every scar, both physical and emotional
Someone who can see love, and beauty in every stretch mark
Every place that sags more than it should
Every jiggle....
Every little thing that we rip ourselves apart over
Someone who is turned on by our morning face and hair
Someone who can see  joy in every wrinkle and laugh line
Again....fuck mediocre..life is to short
Unadulterated, soul burning love does exist
You just have to wait for it
You have to be open to it when it arrives
You can find someone who craves you
All of you
This kind of love will awaken so much passion
You will roar....you will burn in desire
For you will be completely naked
Completely bare
No longer trying to hide behind masks
No longer trying to cover up in shadows
No longer dimming your light
Your imperfections, will become perfection
And the God/Goddess will come out in you
You will make love
You will live your fantasies
You will thrive
You will see countless lifetimes unfold in front of both of you
You will be the one
The one who has the type of love everyone wants
The type of love most lack the courage to wait for
The type of love that people will whisper about
The type of love that those, who have settled
May mock
But that is ok
For they will forever live in darkness
Forever afraid of the flames that bring life
Never feeling the fires of desire
Never feeling the bliss of being with someone who loves you...
Just for you
My dear....your soul mate is looking for you
They may not come in the package you expect.....
They may not come in the vision you are holding
So you must open your heart
You must be in tune with yourself
Love yourself....
Love the world....
And when the time is right...
The stars will align...
And you will see why mediocre will never work
You will see ....
Wait for it....

Fighting inner Zombies

~ I wrote this a while back....not at all in this space anymore...and doesn't pertain to my mindset or life...things are so good right now....could be better....but working on that =)
However, when I was in this space...I looked for anything I could see or read that reminded me I wasn't alone in this pain....that others had been in it and survived it. It does get easier....no matter the outcome..... This is a colorful way to express how I quit chasing and accepted what was in that moment. It's not an easy thing...but a necessary one.... 

 The idea of a perfect break up would mean....parting ways...grieving and mourning the loss...and moving on. But most don't go that way. We are human, therefore we find a way to complicate the hell out of everything.  Break ups are never easy or even. One person always seems to hold on longer than the other.  If you weren't expecting it, it feels that much worse. You can find yourself trying like hell, to figure out what is wrong with you. 
You drive yourself crazy wondering why your partner can't love you anymore. If this person can't explain, it can create and endless loop of worry, without end or closure.  If the person breaking up leaves you with a false sense of hope....that some how you are fixable.....and when you get there.....OMG he/she might love you again (I know bullshit)....but trust me its easy to get there. You can  find yourself pouring all of you, and all of your love, into someone who is not going to give anything back. Trying to prove your worth to someone who is far from worthy of this love.  In fact, this person just keeps taking. 
In those moments, they can take so much that they begin to away your light, leaving you faded and feeling less than. It can feel as if you have had your soul sucked from you, leaving you empty and in a dark space. It turns that grief and loss into something so much worse. Instead of letting that part of your life, and you, just die and become a memory. It leaves you in a state of limbo.....as something you don't even recognize. If you are lucky enough to have a moment that rocks you during all this, and allows you to shift your perspective for a moment...you can find clarity. In that clarity you can just stop and see things for what they really are. That reality is not always pretty.
 I was "blessed" with this moment.
 Yes, the word blessed is in quotations, because while grateful for it........... it was honestly more painful than the breakup itself. 
So here we go...
When he left a part of me died .....well that's not super accurate....part me should have died but didn't....but instead turned into a fucking zombie....the undead..a soul less monster trapped in a very dark space. I found myself feeding on any little bit of hope or love he would throw at me. Grasping at any word that could be twisted into a I still love you. 

Yes, it looked like me but I wasn't there anymore. That was a rotted, smelly, dead version of me. A shell of who I use to be, and who I was to become. 
So I had a few options.....cut that bitches head off....and walk away. 
Let that part of me  die....
Yes,  I would grieve for her. Losing a part of you hurts, even the ugly parts.
 But she wasn't really alive anyway right?? 
Plus I could always honor and remember her at next years ancestor ritual. Dance around a fire while the drums beat wildly and thank her for dying and freeing me. Make wild passionate love under the stars....with no fear or expectation....just caught up in a beautiful moment because I am no longer a slave to trying to make some one love me.  

Or I could  merge with that sad, angry person, until I finally had nothing left to give, and I was left alone for good. However, that would leave me to roam the earth like some kind of super sick, love eating monster. Dead eyes and a heart so full of fear ....it just repeated looooove me. Going to relationship after relationship....living half a life, partly dead, never fully alive. Always running after....grasping and feeding at something that isn't mine.

Not much a decision .....

Had to find a sword ....and go all Game of Thrones meets Michonne on that zombie bitch. 

 **head rolls**  **tears fall**

* Sword back in its sheath*

Namaste

 And moving on....

Yes, I know a bit over the top and dramatic. But when you see yourself in that spot.....you will understand it had to be done. Love is wonderful and it heals. I believe so much that you can pour yourself into people and grow and be better for it. But we have to be real.....not everyone is going to reciprocate and you can hurt yourself if you aren't careful. Maybe we can be friends in time.....but not with that version of me hanging around. Sometimes you have to be your own hero....especially when you are fighting for yourself and your life.....

Fighting

She took a moment to step out into the wonderland that mother nature had left behind
An ice storm unlike any other seen
The turmoil that she had been feeling was only heightened by feeling trapped in the house
As she stepped off the asphalt, and into the grass, she was surprised by the way the ground crunched beneath her feet
She was seeking .....quiet....refuge from her feelings..
However, the forest was very loud that night
Each step she took was loud, every crunch of ice bringing up a new doubt or fear
The woods were a combination of Gothic gloom (a beauty in its own right) and a magical crystalline wonderland.
The stars bounced off the ice
Creating a shiny world...sparkly and seemingly full of life...and she paused for a second
Closed her eyes, and tried to just let go
Hoping to soak up the magic of the moment
However that proved impossible
For not only could she not soak up the magic, she was unable see it at all
In that moment she notice something she had never seen before
Walking deeper and deeper into the forest
She began to see how much damage the ice was doing to the trees
Every small breeze or sway of the wind
Caused the trees to creek eerily
Speaking as if they understood her agony
For they themselves were feeling it too

Her heart was so heavy that night...
And she just wanted the moon to strip it from her...
Take away all the pain.....
The moon was there for comfort and strength that night
But this lesson was not hers to teach
"Sweet Goddess" the moon said..."You are fighting the freeze.... fighting to keep away the bitter cold.... fighting to stay open....and tonight is not about fighting my dear."
The Goddess was tired on every level
And while the words the moon spoke rang true, they offered no comfort
The lack of comfort made her angry..
Looking up at the moon she yelled...."Yes I am fighting....if that's wrong...then please take it...take it all....take these negative feelings...Take the pain....I am tired of all of it...I don't want to feel this much hurt.... of course I am fighting....I can't just drown it all of it.. "
The  moon grew quite and slid behind a thin veil of clouds
The Goddess looked up in disbelief
Feeling angrier and abandoned
It was then that the trees groaned... getting her attention
For this was their lesson to teach tonight
Her attention shifted
Seeing her majestic friends bowing beneath the load of ice furthered her anger
She then turned that rage toward the trees....
"It is weighing you down.....all of this ice", she yelled.
"Why don't you fight it, why don't you even try?"
The goddess felt angry tears roll down her face
She ran towards the trees as if to prove a point
Only she slipped, falling to the cold ground
And in a moment of pure fear and anger  punched the icy ground below her
As she pulled her hand back, tears fell abundantly, her hand bleeding, she curled up on the crystal forest floor ...sobbing openly

"Goddess"' the trees whispered in heavy moans
"Just as the sun will heal us.....warm us....melt this ice away...so will love open your heart.
You must find this love within yourself
Sit with all of the emotions that you are fighting.....stop fighting and just let them come up
When you carry that much sorrow .....that much hurt....you have to feel it
Sorrow is heavy on the heart, soul and body, just as ice is to us
Let the burden of them weigh you down for a moment
Own them....let them wash over you.....Feel the ice
If you do this...you will be ready when the heart opens
Don't wallow in it.....or it will topple you
Don't continuously fight it or it will break you
These are emotions to powerful to just ignore or give away
Stay open....let the heart melt it all away in the right time
Just as the seasons flow...so do the lessons of the soul and heart
These moments are great teachers..."
She sat for a while to allow this powerful lesson to sink in and resonate
She reached out and placed her hand on the big tree
Allowing love to flow from her to the trees, and thanking them
All the anger left her, and she felt deflated but hopeful

She picked her tired body up and looked up at the moon...
The radiant moon peaked out from behind the  clouds ....
A single beam shining only on her
Words didn't need to spoken.....
She felt the love....the comfort ....the concern.
She also felt her power growing ....for she finally realized
That yes, this heart ache hurt....but the fear of walking through it was worse..
She was growing....and moving into her birthright
Each lesson bringing her a little closer
"Sweet Goddess", the moon whispered so softly
"You have no idea how much power you hold....but you will.....very soon you will."

It took a while

It took a while for her to look all that trauma, fear and pain 
Took a while for her to see she must feel and own it
It took time to see all the ways she sabotaged her own dreams
Took a while to realize she was killing herself. ..
Slowly. ...painfully. ...meticulously. ....
Took a while to see all the grey she was settling for
All the things she was missing
Took a while to breathe again.....
But once she began to make that turn
Once she began to see the patterns
Once they began to make sense. ..
The whole forest began to celebrate
For they knew ......she was healing
They knew there was no going back
The Goddess was regaining her power....
And everything was about to change

Sometimes.....

Sometimes the damage is to severe
To catastrophic to fix
Sometimes a new trauma can break open older traumas that have not been dealt with
Traumas and wounds that have been tightly sealed by an illusion of trust and control   
Once broken, the poison from those festering wounds, unleashes on the body and spirit with the fury of a cork released from a wine bottle
Spilling out in an unforgiving cascade....

Spiritually ...

You code...you die...but you come back....

Once the initial shock subsides .....you look and seem ok...        
Tired and drained. ...but here

However, the toxin is still left to reek havoc on the body..

Without help or intervention

It spreads....infecting every fiber and cell in the spirit, mind and body 
If left unchecked. ....  
The damage is typically irreversible
We can try...and we do...for warriors never go down without a fight
We hang on to hope...like a lifeline from certain death..
We can meditate ......do yoga...eat right....chant ....we can try to heal
But all the while knowing that catastrophic injuries are just what they seem  
Catastrophic. ....
And sometimes no matter how hard we try..
We just can't save ourselves

Goddess Moon

She felt small, insignificant and insecure as she stepped out under the bright moon
Wrapping her jacket a little tighter to block out the cold
She had ignored the pull of the moon over last month and her soul was more weary than she could have imagined.
Finding a place to sit, the trees, her guardians blocked the sting of the cold. 
She closed her eyes, opened her heart, and poured all of the fear and hurt out to the moon
All at once she felt her heart fill full with love as the moon poured it's magic into her
The Goddess closed her eyes ready to hear what the moon had to say
Ready for answers to all the questions that burned in her like fire
"My child", replied the moon, "the answers will come. First you must release all of this hurt...All of what you fear. You are holding on to so much that you haven't been able to hear me. Just sit and breathe. Sit and know that you are a Goddess....Sit and know you are never alone."
She took a deep breathe and the tears came, dripping off her face in fat drops....washing it all away
In that sacred moment, she could feel the earth helping to pull the sadness and anger into the ground
She could feel the earth supporting and rooting her....grounding her until she felt safe.
It felt as if the trees bent closer wrapping thier branches around her...protecting and loving her.
The wind slowed and bathed her skin in its cool embrace...cooling the fire that had raged.
You are whole she heard them say..
You are enough...
She knew not how long she sat under the protection of the moon..
But when she rose.....she felt more powerful than she had
Still tender.....but full of hope
She thanked the moon......and stepped inside to lose herself in the deepest sleep...
Before she stepped inside, she looked back up at the moon once more in gratitude.
The wind blew gently, as moon softly whispered,
"Remember sweet Goddess. ...I am always here. ....you always have my magic. You will find that warrior strength again. ...it never left....let go and heal."