"She's Imperfect, but she tries"

~This has become my song....my way of healing. I think part of the issue in dealing with PTSD, is that I really wanted the part of me that died back. The girl who saw the world through rose colored eyes. I wasn't accepting, that I now view the world with less trust. Less trust, but honestly, I am still very trusting. I am just not as naive. I have also grown in so many ways. I am stronger than I thought I could be. Yes, I got stuck. Yes, I kinda still am on some levels. But I am working on it every day. So while this may not be where I saw my life.....it is where I am. My core qualities never went away....and honestly, my life is beautiful. I am dreamer and I have so many things that are moving forward.  I am back at my yoga... and I am speaking my mind. I am finding my voice again. That part sucks sometimes, because its hard to put myself first. Its harder when you just want to keep those you love in your life, but your needs, your voice pushes them away. Guilt is still there, but in more reasonable doses. I am really growing....and I feel like this next year is going to be mind blowing. Less waiting and more doing. This is part of the song I fell in love with, because it is very me. 

Real Strength

    I have spent years suffering in silence. Exposing only what I had to when I reached a point that I couldn't hold it alone anymore. I have been terrified of living with a label, having others view me as less than. I have held more guilt than any three people should. I have beat myself down, and been the biggest liar and bully, to my own heart and soul. I have spent more than half my life hiding from, being ashamed of, running from the fact that I have PTSD.
     It seems silly, that I am only just now seeing that this does not define me. Just now looking outside the walls I created. It seems silly that I have been freely giving my power away for years.
Yet, here I am.
    I don't think I am alone in this. I think a great deal of us are suffering alone, in silence, with this massive monster.
It is easy to shut down and feel alone in a  society where we are expected to be on 24/7. It is a common perception that we are somehow weak if  we don't get our shit together quickly and move forward. This perception still exists because we participate in it, therefore making it a reality. I have made it my reality for years. I pretended, sucked it up, painted on a smile and went about my day.
I get up and work after nights of not sleeping, because the nightmares got the better of me. I make everyone's expectations my own.
Why?
     Because,  I am terrified of what I will see if I stop. Terrified of what others will see in me if I let down my walls. Terrified of what will happen if I just stop and take a second to compose myself. Terrified of my own voice.
The very thing that I need to do, scares me the most.
      I learned over the years to disassociate from those pieces of myself.
That way I could sit in mediation, and feel without breaking down. Leave that other part of me in a box. Act like that part of me never existed.  I can flow through my yoga classes, help others heal, but never touch my own wounds. I can shower others in love and grace. Yet,I lack the ability to do it for myself.
     I thought it made me stronger, and it did for a while.
 It was only suppose to be a crutch. It gave me the ability to cope and accept.  It was honestly, the only reason I could continue to function. It did serve a purpose and it helped me. I was the one who made it a handicap. I didn't let it go, didn't try to work without it. I didn't do the work for years and years.
     The past few years, the universe broken me down again and again. The last big shake up being the one that took me to my knees. In that moment, I couldn't get it back together. The damage was far too great for plaster and quick fixes. This time I really had to do some work. It was one of the most awful and rewarding experiences I have ever had. I wish it didn't have to be so devastating, but I wasn't open for anything else. I was to hidden, too skilled at my craft. It is an ever moving process, and  am still working on it.
      In doing so I have been amazed with how things opened up for me. I have had people come into my life that have shown me magic. Brought me back here to my writing. Given me a chance to slow down. I have had amazing friends who have met me where I was at and just loved me. These amazing souls deserve a story of their own. Something I am currently working on.
      I can't speak for everyone, I can only share what I have learned. My hope is that in sharing, maybe I can find others who are stumbling through the dark with me. Make something beautiful out of our darkness. Together we can find strength and find a way to rebuild our fire.
      I am grateful for all the tools and walls that kept me sheltered and safe so I could get to this point. But I am tired, so fucking tired of just surviving. Tired of slapping band aids on open, gaping wounds. Tired of feeling less than. Tired of being afraid. Tired of holding back.
      I want to heal and I want to thrive. I want to look the world in the eyes and say "Bring it! I can handle whatever you throw my way!" I want to be a warrior who can be real with herself. I want to stop hiding and I really want to feel life the way it should be felt. Uncensored, raw and real.
     That being said, I am going to write my story. I may publish, I may not. But I am done hiding from it. My hope, is that anyone who can relate to this, will reach out. Reach out here, or to someone that you trust. There is strength in numbers and we are not alone. We never have been. It's time to come out of hiding. It is time to find our voices. Time to show the world what real strength looks like.

Goddess Love

Life has hurt her
Hurt her on a soul level
Yet, she still finds ways to love
She still opens up to the possibilities
She owns the idea of forever
But her wounds are deep
Deeper than anyone could imagine
And this Goddess
Does not do mediocre in love
When love enters her life
She gives all of herself
Opens up completely
She allows her spirit and her heart to fly free
She moves from a level of deep trust
A level of trust that rarely exsists
A passion that is so hard to find

So when those she loves leave
When those she loves reject her
The pain is unbelievably deep
That pain runs through circuits and channels
It runs through and rips off every band-aid
Leaves old pain open and raw
Reminding her to feel unworthy
It combines with every other wound
Every other rejection comes up front and center
With every rejection
She looks in the mirror
She hates herself a little more each time
She trusts herself a little less each time
She closes up
Much like the buds of flower
Closing at the end of the day
Tightly she pulls the petals in and around her heart
Sometimes the rejections are temporary
Sometimes they are just about the growth of the other
Sometimes those who rejected her come back
And those she chooses to  love
She loves deeply
Always
Her love for another never goes away
No matter how hurt she is
So she opens a little
She listens to why
She comforts the through the apologies
She hears the words of love
She needs to believe in that person
She needs to believe in the magic of love again
She wants desperately to go back to how she felt in the beginning
So she tries
Logically she can process the why
She can see the other side of it
So she opens a little more
But this time not as freely
For every word that sounds like rejection
Every action that looks retreat
Causes a state of panic
Causes her to retreat a little more
She understands that she is sensitive
Her logic tells her to relax and trust
So she chides herself for over reacting
She  continuously beats herself up for being so afraid
She beats herself up for knowing that her distance
Her lack of opening
Her instinctive ability to shut down
Hurts the one she should be loving so fully
But she doesn't move nor thrive on logic
She moves and thrives from her heart
She blossoms from her soul
Those deeply guarded areas
Those areas that have been hurt
Those areas where logic ceases to exists
Those areas will always override her logic
They keep her in limbo
She can't let go
She can't move forward
She just resides in a state of fear
A fear of being stupid
A fear of being rejected
A fear of hurting someone she loves so much
A fear of the unknown
So she loves with everything that she is able to
Knowing that it will never be enough
Knowing that she may never be able to fully open again
No matter how much she wants to, or tries
So she waits
Waits for that magic moment
Waits for her love to say something
Anything that she can trust at a heart level
She waits for the possibility
The possibility that someone may see her and love her
Love her for who she is
Shine love upon her like the sun
Allowing her to open and blossom fully again
For you see
Life has hurt her
Yet she still believes in possibility of
She believes in magic of love
And trust ....
Trust is something she gives freely when you first meet
Trust is something that can come back
If you understand her
If you are patient and allow her wounds to heal.
So if you meet this Goddess.
Tread lightly with her heart
Only dive in if you are willing to stay
If you are willing to battle the hurricanes and storms that rage in her soul
Love only if you are willing to pick up sword and fight with her
Love only if you are willing to hold her hand when she ventures off into the dark wood
Love her only if you really see all that she is giving
For if you leave....
She may never be able to open up again
And her love is one that will never forget
Her love, is one that no one will ever be able to replace
For it rare to meet someone
Who loves and gives so freely in spite of all the pain.
Love
That is her magic...
Her gift to you
She loves with all that she has....

She tries to sleep...

She tries to sleep
Sleep off the anxiety.
Sleep off the fears
Sleep off the ever growing dissatisfaction
Sleep off all the disillusionment
Bring herself back to a state of sanity
Yet , when she closes her eyes
Drifting softly off to sleep
Her fears invade her dreams
Wave after wave of fear, wash over her
Crashing all around her
Knocking her to her knees
Over and over again
In unrelenting waves
Her fears keep coming
Drowning her in their presence
Leaving no air
No room to breathe
Sweaty and hot she battles
Battles her way back out
Out of the nightmares
Back to her present
Gasping for air
She throws the blankets off
And just like that.
She is back in reality
Heart racing. ...
Talking to herself
Bringing herself back...
Naming items she can see...
Turning on lights
Letting go of her dreams
Tired and weary
She knows...
There is another day to meet. .
Smiles and love
She will pour freely out
Watching the day go slowly by
Watching the hours
Feeling the anxiety begin to creep..
Minute by minute
Gaining force with every hour
Finding it's way to her heart
Her throat ..her head...her ears
Telling her all the things she can't do
Slowly killing her aspirations,  her hopes
Her sanity ever closer to the edge
She finds her way home
Crawls into bed
She just needs to let it all go
She tries to sleep....

I want...

I want to run naked through the forest
Fast, Wild and Free
Feel the wind rush my skin
Feel the earth beneath my feet

I want to play naked in the storms
Dance to the thunder
Revel in the magic of the lighting
Allowing it to reveal in small flashes
All that really is
I want to feel the rain drops glide across my skin
Unencumbered, dripping from my fingers, breast and nose

I want to swim naked in the ocean
Dive deep within it depths
Play with the dolphins
Feel the seaweed tickle my toes
I want to feel the power of the ocean
Jealously pulling me back with the tide
Holding me, begging me not to leave
I want to feel the love
Of being rocked within the oceans embrace
Feeling that moment of hesitation
Before reluctantly pushing me back to shore
With only the promise of my return

I want to lay naked on the beach
Feel my fingers and toes in the sand
Feel the suns love as he warms my skin
I want to laugh and play freely along the shore
Teasing the ocean waves
Watching them build, beckoning for my return

I want to dance naked in the forest
Under the soft light of the moon
Feel the earths beat and rythmn begin to match my own
I want to close my eyes
Hearing the crackling of fire
Hear the sounds of the night time woodland creatures
I want to sing my song to the trees
Hear them echo it in the wind
A song that can only be heard by one
The one whose soul matches mine

I want to stand naked by the fire
My body illuminated by the flames
My hips moving seductively to the fires song
Waiting for the one who hears my song

When my lover comes
I want to stand naked together
No spoken words
Just feeling a force stronger than us both
Pulling us closer and closer together
Eyes locked, we take each others hand
Only the sound of coyotes in the wind
Our hands explore each other
Our hearts connect our spirits as one
For our souls are very old friends
We have been here before
Our lips will find each other
Unlocking all the passion of the fire
All the power of the ocean
In the heat of this moment
Our bodies will match our souls
Intertwining into one
Making love openly and wildly

I want to sleep naked on the soft grass
Under the watch of the stars and moon
Wrapped within the arms of my wild love
Open and vulnerable
Feeling the power of trust

I want to run naked and open in life
With my soul mate by my side
So meet me in the ocean, the sand, the rain
Listen for the trees to sing my song
Bring only your passion and heart
Meet me in the woods love
Find me naked by the fire
Protected by the moon
Find me love
I'm waiting
 

The stars

Lost beneath the stars

You slip your hand in mine

Fire fills my body

I lose all sense of time

You turn to kiss me

Stars reflecting in your eyes

There is a hunger between us

A passion only we can tame

We explore each others bodies

While the stars shine brilliantly
 Night creeping closer to day
The moon speaks her approval
Casting her light around you 

Sensuously
Illuminating your body

In that moment
We both are nearing peak

And when we begin to come down

You sleepily whisper in my ear

Words of desire 

Only meant for me to hear

You pull me closer
We both drift off to sleep
Safe in each others arms
A precious moment to keep

We may not have tomorrow

We may only have today

But we made magic under the stars love
We made memories that can not fade way

She Deserves ....

She deserves to be cradled and loved, able to feel and be fluent in her emotions.

She deserves to wake up fresh and renewed at a soul level.

She deserves to live life with the fluidity of the oceans and streams she loves so much.

She deserves to feel warm and cared for.

She deserves that same feeling she gets from the sun warming her body and spirit.

She deserves to feel as desired as she does when the wind caresses her skin.

She deserves long conversations where she is free to speak her truth.

She deserves to be heard without repercussions by someone she loves.

She deserves the back and forth wisdom in conservation, like she gets from the trees.

She deserves to feel grounded and steady.

She deserves love that will hold her up like the earth under her feet.

She deserves to feel as safe and loved as she does wrapped in the magic of the moon.

She deserves the wild freedom she feels playing in the storms.

For you see...

Nature has taught her about loving herself, has taught her she is never alone.

Nature has taught her to dig deep and find herself. 

Taught her through life lessons about burning and dying to be reborn.

She has learned to start from nothing again and again.

This Goddess is a mighty up an coming warrior.

She doesn't have time for those who seek to pull her from her path.

Her heart is open in spite of all the wounds.

The power she is taking back will make her more powerful than many are comfortable with.

So...

Anyone who becomes apathetic with her heart and soul....

Anyone who shuts down or leaves when she has nothing left to give....

Anyone who refuses to pick up and sword and fight these battles with her....

Anyone who only seems to love her when she is giving them something....

Anyone who only loves her when she fits the "picture" of what they think she should be....

All these "anyone's" will have to go...

For she still has many lessons to learn and to teach..

And only those strong enough to love her right where she is at...

Love her strength  as much as her short comings

Only those deserve the love she freely offers....

And now that you know....

You can not blame her if you don't make the cut

For not just anyone can hold the magic she possesses 

It will take the "someones" who can see her....

 The someones who can feel her spirit.... 

The someones that deserves this same kind of friendship,  magic and love.

~Anita