What a difference a year makes......

   My journey to eating for health and not just weight loss began, about a year ago, in May of 2010. I read Skinny Bitch, watched Food Inc and Food matters... and needless to say my view on food was forever changed. I was so moved by all that I had learned that I dove into my new lifestyle with enthusiasm.

• I quit drinking soda
• I stopped eating sugar
• Quit eating meat or animal by products
• Increased my water intake
• Starting working out and doing yoga every day   

I started all this and then spent a good bit of time trying to figure out exactly to handle all of the changes in a real world setting. I was not just working around a vegan lifestyle .....I also was working around may different food allergies ( corn, wheat, peanuts, and black beans)...not easy to do.. ... but I was doing it and feeling better and better every day.

   Then life hit and the blow of losing my dad rocked my whole world on a level that I was not expecting. I was unable to keep any food down for weeks after he passed and soda was the only thing that helped so I scratched   Quit drinking soda off of my list and felt totally justified in doing so.
     Long story short the year that followed was full of some of the highest/greatest moments of my life as well as some of the lowest moments.

                        Greatest

• Finding that I had the most loving support system full of family and friends
• Getting a job at the Y in the field of fitness
• Getting my certification in Yoga at the school I wanted Yoga Works...yaaay 
• Finding that I can heal myself with support and eating well
• Having time to spend with my kids
• Watching my oldest get back on stage and act

     Lowest 

• Losing my dad
• Losing an uncle and three very dear friends
• Staying sick more than not during the months that followed losing my dad
• Losing my job
• Losing myself

   So that was the past year in a nut shell. I found myself on a roller coaster of highs and lows all while fighting this sneaky little thing called depression. In trying to be a "strong" person ....I thought that depression was not something I would have to deal with. I managed to keep it at bay by throwing myself into work....then lost my job.  I refocused and put all of my energy into yoga training....then that ended. When all my distractions were gone, and it was just me... it hit me hard. Now I have to admit....it was taking its toll waaay before then. I just refused to see it until I was so covered in it that I had no choice. I stopped focusing on my own needs and quit going out unless I had to....or was just having a good moment. At the beginning of this summer May 2011....I started justifying adding crap back to my diet...sugar...white rice and potatoes....including chips....blaaa. *** These things are fine in moderation....just not as food groups.*** I stopped working out as much....and slowly my yoga and meditation practice sunk like the Titanic. That left me..... Tired....doubting and sick.

    I started doubting that eating healthy food had been making any difference. I thought I could just start working out again and just eat whatever I wanted. Wrong....eating the way I have been has not been giving my body the energy it needs...and no energy = short workouts  or no workouts...

 I was still unconvinced that any change needed to happen until a trip to the beach (another blog of its own) and discovering the small layer of fat that was protecting the hell out of my  semi well toned ...busted my ass to get them this way abs. That was my WTF moment......my lol......sigh...stamping feet....kicking wall...hissy fit....deep breath.....childs pose....New plan moment.

    I could feel how off my body was....but I had to see the effects before I would believe it...dammit.

 Now I know that I can't keep hiding in the dark.....can't hide from life....and sure as hell can't give up. I have so much that I want to do and  see .....so I have to keep pressing forward and taking care of me. That way I can take care of my family....and friends.....and have a blast living the life that I want.

Soo..here is the short list..... I have started

• Working out
• Daily yoga..
• Revamping my diet
• Letting go of sugar and soda...POUT
• Loving more and letting go of fear and anxiety 

  

  I have lost a lot this year. However, I am also starting to see that I have also gained some invaluable wisdom and insight. I know that I am still going to have bad days......but I also know that I have family and friends who love me and  have never let me down or allowed me to stand in the dark on my own. I am blessed....

  Looking forward to all the upcoming adventures and looking forward to seeing where I am ....and what I have been through this time next year.

                              Light and Love

    

Just don't ask me to stop believing in magic =)

    "It's just time to Grow up." This phrase is something that I have heard many times over the years and something that I have told myself on a daily basis. I have spent over half my life trying to figure out why I can't seem to fit in to this life of "adulthood." I have tried, trust me, but I always end up miserable and feel myself lacking and searching for this "grown up world" that I should some how be okay conforming to. In trying to do so I have dramatically changed me. I have outwardly become this timid, uptight, quite person because I am always afraid of letting the childish side of me come out. The reality of it is....its not working,and it never will because I am not being true to me.
    I finally get that I am a grown up and that growing up does not have to mean losing your spirit, imagination and zest for life. It does not mean that you have to cave to the norms of society. In fact when you settling for less than you really are leaves you living in zombie like state; not dead but not really alive. Its scary how many of us settle for that reality. I  realized that I was doing it all wrong while reading a book called Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill ((quick plug for the book....it is a must read for everyone.))  In this book I had to find something that I was passionate about.  Not something that I could live with, or something that would please others, but something that created in me a fire and drive.
     To do this I really had to get out of my head. I really had to let go of the shackles and chains of believing in self made limits. I had to just let it all go and believe. When I finally did .....I found it.....I found what it really is that I want to do with my life.. I am working harder than ever to obtain this dream that will be my life. My work will be something that will provide for my family, and will help others. It will be something that I feel blessed to have the ability to do everyday. Most of all it will allow me to remain to true me. I am still in the process of getting it all together. Putting tons of trust into the universe and allowing things to open up the way they should. I am super excited and will talk more about it when I have the fundamentals in place.
    I know that not everyone will understand or get me and that is okay. I wrote this more as reminder to myself when I am feeling  pressure from the world to conform.  Just please don't ask me to grow up~ if by growing up you are asking me to confine myself to a prison of being something that I am not. Please don't ask me to give up on the light and essence that is me. Please don't ask me not to believe in the light and magic of my life. I may not seem or be perfect.....but I can be perfectly me....and to those who love me that should be enough.
  So that being said ...here are a few things about me......


   In being me...I will never believe in a fear based organization. Going to Wal-Mart, a bank  or a gas station will always stress me out. I will never be in style. I will never fit in to social grown up norms. Air port security will always seem like a joke to me and stress me out. I will continue to work towards my dreams and educate myself. I will always take care of kids and make sure that they are loved, and that they are learning to eat well, learning to help others and learning about the magic of who they are. I will allow my children to dream and believe in a world full of hope and promise.
  I will always believe in :
~  Fairies, dragons, mermaids and other mythical creatures, Magic, Running barefoot in the grass, Imagination, Peace, Hope, Smiles and Laughter, Spending time watching the clouds, Yoga and Meditation, Dancing, in the beauty of imperfection, Fairy tales, Dancing in the rain, splashing in mud puddles, Road trips and Bill boards can change your life =), Adventure, Self  healing, Drumming, Moon magic, Dancing around camp fires,the power of wishing on stars, that there is good in everyone,that the beach is one of the most magical places on earth, travel, in not giving up on people, second chances, education, play grounds, making flower necklaces and crowns,  getting dirty, dirty hippie feet, Frisbee, outdoors, festivals, Mud pies and mud wars, growing things, wonder and awe, riding bikes, movie nights, hula hooping, swimming, trying lots of new things, being excited, spending lots of time with loved ones...friends ....free spirited people and children, music, spending time alone, writing, hugging trees, loving animals, in not eating animals,poetry, trusting yourself, helping others every chance you get, playing, exercise, breathing, forgiving myself and others, sunsets, letting go, trusting, one person making a difference, hugs, angels, my guides, trying new things, tarot cards, amusement parks, dressing up like pirates...fairies..harry potter character ect and just playing, love can conquer all, being true to yourself,  the Universe, those that love me, my kids, scared sounds,water falls, crystals, reading, chanting, living many life times, hand written letters,romance, candle light, watching birds, dragonflies and other insects, protecting our environment, Mother Earth, willow trees, honoring the rhythm of the seasons, taking lots of pictures, moon magic, gypsy life style,jingly coin belts, the sun, sun dresses, fire spinning, hippy skirts, healthy eating, wisdom of the Jedi, Yoda, taking in strays, cartoons, tropical breezes and drinks, water, good health, a home being full of laughter and people....not things, love, BFFs, holding hands, great sex, heroes, faith, power of Reiki and other energy healing, the magic of a kiss, fun, live theater, every person and encounter teaches us something, singing, life, joy, wisdom, sleep, herbal remedies, ....the list goes on and on  and will continue to grow every day...
 Namaste...

Fairies

Fairies 

In the quiet silver starlight

Under the careful watch of the moon

Magic is abound across every forest and meadow

Tiny dancers out to play…making mischief come what may

Spreading their wings they fly

Grateful to be not bound of human things

Twinkling in the dark night sky

Tiny little rays sun

Bringing goodness by having fun

Charging the energy of the night time air

Together they play with out a care

Do fairies exist??

 I have to say…

We could not have the glory of the day

Nor hear the laughter of the trees

Nor feel the power of the flowing streams

No happiness could be found…without our fairy friends around

Life Moment

This is also an older blog post from myspace ....when I read it today it really hit home because I had a few moments last week where all I could do was just breathe. The biggest difference between then and now was how long it took me to feel better...It didn't take hours and hours...it took minutes.....I have the tools of reiki, meditation and yoga now....  and it didn't take long to come out of this place. I have so much love surrounding me everyday that I can't allow myself to not see it......sooo that being said here is the old post

Holy Crap!!

Have you ever had a day when the reality of everything punched you in the stomach..Out of no where you find yourself "emotionally" laying on the floor willing yourself to breathe....just take a breath............................breathe....

You want to close your eyes and hide from all the unknowns all the things that just seem so bleak...but you know you have to be strong.  You have to smile and be the one who makes everything ok, the one who makes it all work. You know that YOU out of everyone must be the one to maintain a positive outlook, because so many people are relying on you to be there, to be strong and to not fall apart....

SO you pull yourself up....paint the smile on your face....you hide your anxiety and fear...and move on to the next step...

Praying that you will be able to keep it up...praying that everything will be okay and this is as bad as it will get...praying that nothing else will knock you back down....praying for strength and wisdom if it does

So you find yourself breathing, praying, hoping and taking small baby steps....getting stronger with each one.

You begin to start focusing on the positives of your family and friends... Being blessed to have loved ones to talk to..who always have your best interest at heart......being blessed to have someone you can share with and "fall apart" around...even in a temporary moment.....

Focusing on the positives gives you the faith that while you may not understand why all this is happening...there is a reason and in the end it will make you a better.... stronger person
Having that faith and love makes it all easier to do...One step and one day at a time. .

Feeling better and breathing again...because I have so many blessing and so much love in  my life...how can I lose faith when I am  blessed so much........   DEEP BREATH ...* smiles*

Sunset Memory

I was able to go outside and spend some time with the kids...I spent some time with John swinging on the tree swing...he loves looking up at the sky and swinging..he loved the fact that the leaves were all changing.

We did that and then I was able to just watch them play. It was cool out and the sun was beginning to set..there was a magic to the sunset today....and in the magic of that sunset... when the suns brilliance was shining and dancing across the blades of grass...reflecting on the skin and hair of my children..casting shadows that followed and chased them around the yard while they laughed and played. In the magnificence of that moment... time seemed to stand still...and all the worries..all the fears..all the unknowns seemed to disappear.  In that brief moment it was almost as if I granted the gift of seeing through a veil of all the things that hold me back and caught a glimpse into the joy of what what is...the simple joys you can't put a price on. The magic of today's sunset is one I shall never forget....it will forever be engraved in my heart and spirit...because at that moment "my heart took a picture." 

~This is an old post...my kids are all about 5 years older.......but one of my favorite memories. Posted it before Blogger had its glitch and it was erased....so re posting

How do you say goodbye

The title says it all....how do you say goodbye to something that has been everything to you.That was Saturday for me...the closing of the 200 hour official training.....the moment of coming into circle for the last time....the beautiful ritual of closing the circle....and all the good byes that I did quickly while smiling .....all so I could run out to my car and get in it and drive away before anyone saw me break down and cry. Some may look at this and think I am silly because it was just a yoga training.....something to bridge the gap from where you are to where you want to be. It may have started out that way.....it was something that I posted on my wall over a year ago....I wanted this training through Yogaworks....so you can imagine how thrilled I was when it happened. I knew I would learn a lot, and that my yoga practice would deepen...
However, what I didn't expect what just how much it would deepen and how much this training, my teachers, and the beautiful ladies in our "tribe" would become my strength and help me find my way back out of an ever growing dark space I had found myself in. This amazing group taught me to rediscover my backbone and my voice. In all of the laughter, tears,god damn-its,  and yes even the fighting there were more life lessons and gifts than I can name. There were days in between weekends that were grueling for me, and I found strength  in knowing that if I really couldn't deal with it.....if it really got to hard...there would soon be a circle of support for me to let it go. This gave me the power to just breath. I never really needed to vent much because once I found myself back in that energy I immediately felt stronger...immediately knew that at least for the next three days everything was okay.
The biggest lesson I took away from this had nothing to do with how much better my asana practice was. The biggest lesson was learning how to hold a pose that hurt....or was uncomfortable....or that I just flat didn't want to be in at that moment....and not only hold it but to stop reacting to the perceived pain and discomfort. To use the peace and power within to get through and know that the benefits were there and the strength was there.....I just had to "get out of my own way"and let it happen.
Other lessons were with the letting go and just having fun with poses....or what I took away.....letting go and just having fun in life.
It taught me that while I felt totally out of my element and felt like I had really made a huge error of judgment in how ready I was for this training ....that I could stand on my own feet and just do it. It taught me to practice harder and let go of what was not available to me right now....knowing that with time and practice it would be.
The philosophy gave me a lot to think about and honestly bridged a gap in some of my other areas of training. It really helped with learning to not react....and is giving me the ability to not beat myself up when I do. I am learning to be kinder to myself. I learned that in order to really live again ....I am going to have to stop squashing all my emotions and the things that have caused trauma or sadness or whatever.....and start dealing with them. Now that  I know that I need to ....I am waiting for the person who will come (and I am sure that will be soon...because I am finally ready) to show me just how to do that. All the physical discomforts stem from not dealing and I have to say .....it really pissed me off when I realized how much I was hurting myself.

I learned that even if the middle of all the shit in my life right now.....I have so much joy......because the gift this training gave me was the ability to once again find joy with my family tribe.....to start reaching out to friends again....to stop trying to do it all my own.

There is much more I could say.....and probably will in time......but for now.....I just want to end by saying I know we didn't say good bye. However, closing that door on the past 6 months left me scared and out of my element for a little while. I cried the whole way home....but I also know that the friendships....the lessons and the gifts that we all found and received by growing and learning together will always be available. I think as a "tribe" we were all beyond blessed with the gift of our teachers....Jeanmarie and Janet. They were not two people who just showed up because they had to.....they teach with love and it radiates from them and found its way to each of us....giving us what we needed and bringing light to the things we most needed to leave the dark. I love everyone in our tribe and look forward to growing together in a new way....the hard part of our training is beginning.....Love....light and hugs..

Namaste.....

Mystical Forest

Mystical and powerful
She feels the moon calling her forward
The earth is pounding under her feet
Beckoning for her to return
The night is rhythmically whispering
You are of ancient blood
The time for your return is near
The forest in rustling in sweet anticipation
For they know she is returning
The earth is ready to meet her dancing feet
The night is aching to hear the long forgotten Goddess chants
The forest ready to feel her true spirit reunite with them once more
The fire is burning and she is no longer blind
No longer trying to hide
No longer afraid
Few can hear what she does
Few can feel the beat of the earths drum
Sisters she is calling
Rise and come with me
We must move back into our power
We must fulfill our destiny
The earth to long has been without
And to us we hear her cry
It is time .....our truth we can no longer deny
In the forest our fire will burn
Our voices will chant
Our feet will dance
Our hands will hold the elemental powers
Our actions will heal
We must leave  false perceptions  behind
We must remember who we are and from where we came
Our power is not something we can continue to minimize nor disavow
The time is coming
The earth is calling
Do you hear it sisters....