Tired

I feel broken today. Ripped into little shreds....tired and drained on a level I can't explain. Nothing major has happened, just a lot of drama over the past few weeks,and lots of change on the horizon. I am not sure how to put anything back into order or even what it is I need to do right now. I know that this is a fleeting feeling and that sometimes things have to fall apart to get better. I know that they will, yet I still have that little bit of inner struggle that is just tired. Tired of feeling like every time things seem to be on track, they fall apart and a new lesson starts. The wiser part of me knows and is in gratitude for all the blessings these lessons continue to provide. So that being said....I am breathing....I am working ...everything is opening up just as it should.

Learning to trust

I wrote this a while back as part of journal entry......it speaks to where I am at now (minus the ice =) )
   As the ice pounds the world outside the walls in which I am confined, I find myself being swallowed in an ocean of worry and doubt.
The clouds of these old friends who just hours ago had no meaning or existence in my life are back and in strong force. This is life I guess....  The ebb and flow that continues to bring change and keeps us ever moving down our path. I know that there is much that I must do. I also know that I have hit a point of no return. There are no redos here,no opps I guess I was wrong, or please give me some more time to figure things out. This is a time of standing up and facing things head on. However, I find myself faltering a bit because of fear. Not just fear of the unknown..that I find rather intriguing. It is the fear of standing in an all to familiar place of trusting someone. Trusting in other person to be who they say they are...to do what they say they are going to do. This is not a fun place for me to be. It is trying to believe that I am good enough for someone to maintain what they say. It is believing that I am not disposable. It is believing that the people who directly influence my life on a daily basis are in my life because they want to be. It is trusting that they are not there just because I am safe, stupid, naive( I have been told that I only see the good in people) ....or just always there. It is trusting that it is okay to be me and see life through rose colored glasses even if it means getting hurt over and over. Despite this paralyzing fear I am still moving forward and at much more rapid pace than I ever thought I could. I am learning a long over due and very valuable lesson of letting go of the illusion of control and working on trust.I am learning to be open to the lessons(they seem less painful when I meet them in a place of acceptance and gratitude. ) Life is opening up in ways that I could never have imagined. So that being said....I also know it is time to start moving out of the fear so that life can continue to open up and guide me where I need to be.
Hope the lesson for that is something that I am ready for ....

Lunch???

This is my lunch today.... Which of these things does not belong? If you guessed chicken your right. After 2 years of being a strict Vegan, I finally decided to add meat back to my diet for 30 days to see if it would off set some of the health issues. This is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I am so sick of being sick all the time....so I am willing to try. I am following the Paleo diet because it includes tons of veges and gets me away from all the food I am allergic to. It also takes away grains (like rice) which I have been living off of. Plus it does not allow dairy which I will never consume again. So wish me luck....going to blog about it because it is a huge change and really big deal for me.
This is day 4 and the 3rd day I have gotten up with tons of energy and without a sore throat (have had that non stop for 3 months now). Not sure if it has anything to do with the diet change....we shall see. (doing this from so please excuse any mistakes )

A moment

    I knew today was going to be a good day when I walked into the kitchen. The sun was shining through the vast leaves of the tree in front of the window, creating magic. It looked as if fairies were dancing all over the window and in part of the kitchen.  How can that not be a sign of good things to come?
    Later as I walked to the garden I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude. The breeze was blowing and the birds were singing,and while it may sound corny, it just made all the worries disappear.  In that  moment I was blessed with being in nature, working my garden, and yes talking to my plants. I do happy dances when I see something new growing and sprouting. I love the time I spend watching the water create it own beautiful magic as it helps to give life to what will soon be my food...and in turn give life and energy to my family and I. After I finished the work I allowed myself a few minutes to sit and meditate. Just a few moments of just being. Today will get busier and before long I will be closing my eyes and ending another day, dreaming for more moments like this  =) . 

Light

This is another one from a different blog....trying to get them all in one place =)

Gentle words they speak
Flowing over spirit glides
Guiding and teaching
As we learn and grow
Teaching wisdom of times long ago
Hoping that you will come into the light
Where all is peaceful ..and all is right
No need for the stress and worry they say
We are here always...and always we will stay
Listen to our soft spoken words..
We offer you wisdom..
We offer happiness and hope
Please do not worry we give you free will
For we need you to come openly
Open your heart..your mind and your soul
Open yourself to the wonders of yore
The things that we teach have always been so
We offer a path for those willing to grow
You are connected to the infinite power
You can manifest all your needs or desires
Trust in us while trusting your self..
You have a such divine soul
You are the light

Hold fast to you....connect to the light
We are here always...

Death is Upon Us

Death is upon us

Icy fingers sliding down

Pulling away all of the what if and if only

Now....there is only now

Death is upon us

Nothing left to do

All of the attachments are leaving

All the big stresses now seem small

All of the ..someday I will

Those chances are now gone

Death is upon us

Moving in its sleek seductive way

Bringing light to all that was dark

Bringing peace where there was once pain

Death is upon us

It looks us in the eyes

Bringing forward all the memories of our life

All that we did and all the we neglected and failed

Becomes transparent while rocked in deaths embrace

Death moves upon us 

Sucking away the very essence of life

In this moment we see

All of the moments we sacrificed for this or for that

All of those moments that we can't have back

Death holds its icy grip 

The last moments of life begin to fade

The last moments of wishing we had just known

The moments of wishing we had just a little more time

Death hears us and nods while dropping us from his hold

Bringing back life in one sharp breath

Death came upon us to offer a gift

A chance to see all the ways we sabotage our light and our life

Death came upon us so that we would learn that we are here for just a short time

Reminding us to live our lives with love and light

To let go of regrets and be in the now

For when Death comes for us that is all that we have

Death is upon us

Lurking in the shadows 

We know not when or where 

 We will have to face deaths eyes again

So we live the lesson we were taught 

Now is all that we have

What a difference a year makes......

   My journey to eating for health and not just weight loss began, about a year ago, in May of 2010. I read Skinny Bitch, watched Food Inc and Food matters... and needless to say my view on food was forever changed. I was so moved by all that I had learned that I dove into my new lifestyle with enthusiasm.

• I quit drinking soda
• I stopped eating sugar
• Quit eating meat or animal by products
• Increased my water intake
• Starting working out and doing yoga every day   

I started all this and then spent a good bit of time trying to figure out exactly to handle all of the changes in a real world setting. I was not just working around a vegan lifestyle .....I also was working around may different food allergies ( corn, wheat, peanuts, and black beans)...not easy to do.. ... but I was doing it and feeling better and better every day.

   Then life hit and the blow of losing my dad rocked my whole world on a level that I was not expecting. I was unable to keep any food down for weeks after he passed and soda was the only thing that helped so I scratched   Quit drinking soda off of my list and felt totally justified in doing so.
     Long story short the year that followed was full of some of the highest/greatest moments of my life as well as some of the lowest moments.

                        Greatest

• Finding that I had the most loving support system full of family and friends
• Getting a job at the Y in the field of fitness
• Getting my certification in Yoga at the school I wanted Yoga Works...yaaay 
• Finding that I can heal myself with support and eating well
• Having time to spend with my kids
• Watching my oldest get back on stage and act

     Lowest 

• Losing my dad
• Losing an uncle and three very dear friends
• Staying sick more than not during the months that followed losing my dad
• Losing my job
• Losing myself

   So that was the past year in a nut shell. I found myself on a roller coaster of highs and lows all while fighting this sneaky little thing called depression. In trying to be a "strong" person ....I thought that depression was not something I would have to deal with. I managed to keep it at bay by throwing myself into work....then lost my job.  I refocused and put all of my energy into yoga training....then that ended. When all my distractions were gone, and it was just me... it hit me hard. Now I have to admit....it was taking its toll waaay before then. I just refused to see it until I was so covered in it that I had no choice. I stopped focusing on my own needs and quit going out unless I had to....or was just having a good moment. At the beginning of this summer May 2011....I started justifying adding crap back to my diet...sugar...white rice and potatoes....including chips....blaaa. *** These things are fine in moderation....just not as food groups.*** I stopped working out as much....and slowly my yoga and meditation practice sunk like the Titanic. That left me..... Tired....doubting and sick.

    I started doubting that eating healthy food had been making any difference. I thought I could just start working out again and just eat whatever I wanted. Wrong....eating the way I have been has not been giving my body the energy it needs...and no energy = short workouts  or no workouts...

 I was still unconvinced that any change needed to happen until a trip to the beach (another blog of its own) and discovering the small layer of fat that was protecting the hell out of my  semi well toned ...busted my ass to get them this way abs. That was my WTF moment......my lol......sigh...stamping feet....kicking wall...hissy fit....deep breath.....childs pose....New plan moment.

    I could feel how off my body was....but I had to see the effects before I would believe it...dammit.

 Now I know that I can't keep hiding in the dark.....can't hide from life....and sure as hell can't give up. I have so much that I want to do and  see .....so I have to keep pressing forward and taking care of me. That way I can take care of my family....and friends.....and have a blast living the life that I want.

Soo..here is the short list..... I have started

• Working out
• Daily yoga..
• Revamping my diet
• Letting go of sugar and soda...POUT
• Loving more and letting go of fear and anxiety 

  

  I have lost a lot this year. However, I am also starting to see that I have also gained some invaluable wisdom and insight. I know that I am still going to have bad days......but I also know that I have family and friends who love me and  have never let me down or allowed me to stand in the dark on my own. I am blessed....

  Looking forward to all the upcoming adventures and looking forward to seeing where I am ....and what I have been through this time next year.

                              Light and Love