Walking through fear

~ this is something I wrote after In the Mist of the water....Kinda fits where I am now... I am doing a lot more writing and may be posting older things before I start adding new.....

A treacherous and rocky path brought her here
To scared waters to help her heal
Just for a while
There is more work to be done
She is stronger than she ever thought she could be
For all of her trials and pain sculpted and shaped her
All wounds are healing
Nothing left from her past to hold her back
It is dark as she starts back out
But she no longer fears it
For she is full of light and her connection to the earth is real
Onward she walks expecting more danger to come
Only to find that now,  she can move through the fear of danger
Fear no longer holds her in its grasp
She sees nothing to run or hide from
She walks with more peace than she ever thought possible
Through the darkness of the night she walks
Holding to her connection with the earth
Holding her connection with the goddess within
Moving Forward
Dissolving all fear
The sun begins to rise

She takes a moment to pause and look around
Catching her breath 

She beholds a beauty meant only her eyes
All the wonder and joy without the veil of fear
She sees that fear was just a self made illusion
She sees others still trapped in a darkened veil
Fighting and lashing out at those around
Finally she understands that is was only illusions that held her in place
As the sun gets brighter she finds a willow tree 

And stretches out beneath its magical branches
Giving thanks for her journey
Giving thanks for the lessons that brought her to where she is
With peace and gratitude
She starts on to the next phase of her life
Her next journey

Never fearing the dark
Always looking towards the light

She found herself drawn to the back yard....as she stepped out the trees began to talk excitingly and let go of hundreds of leaves in all different colors. As she walked through the beautiful fan fare.....she felt that familiar tingle that she received when she was doing something that was right for her path. She laid a blanket out in the grass...and stretched out. She closed her eyes and allowed the warmth of the sun to radiate off her skin. The wind was soft but the trees still had so much to say. She allowed herself to be drawn in to their world for she knew she needed to hear what they had to say. Their message was one of release. Allowing yourself to process pain and grief and then let go of them. Let go of the things, people and places that are causing them. "Let go and have faith," the trees whispered.  "You are a goddess fully protected by all that surrounds you.  Please don't lose faith in us....we shall never lose faith in you." In that moment she remembered. It is always necessary to let go of the old things, in order for the new to move in. The sweet goddess realized, that the longer she held on the things that were making her cry....the longer she would put off her future. She didn't know what that future held...but she knew she had to trust. She curled up on her side and closed her eyes. She always needed a little rest after these talks. The wind picked up slightly and the trees sang a lullaby in harmony with the birds that allowed her to drift away and sleep. She knew when she woke, things would be very different, and that was a great place to start on her new journey.

Moon magic

She loved the way the moon caressed and bathed  her bare skin. Leaving her whole body seductively illuminated and glowing.  She felt her power growing as she moved through the moon beams that night, allowing the moon to pour itself into her soul. Her bare feet were in contact with the earth. She could feel the nourishment and love. She could feel it's music that night.  Even alone she could hear the drums....hear the music that came from long ago.....and her hips moved and swayed to their rhythm. She had more power than she had ever believed. The moon was opening her to her path....

She understood the secrets and magic this night. She knew she could never go back to ordinary ways of thinking...

She was goddess, and with that, she could not stay stuck in the mundane. Her purpose  had been decreed long ago. It had been written in the stars. She has a divine path and must move towards her birthright.

The wind picked up slightly as the trees breathed a sigh of relief. How they had longed to talk with her again. Now she could hear them and she knew she was home. She could feel the energy around her in all living things. 

Giving great thanks to the moon and earth she stretched out on the grass, and closed her eyes. Sleep would soon be hers. She could finally relax under the soft rays and fierce protection of the moon. The moon continued to immerse her in love and strength all night. The winds glided over her skin, and the trees and birds sang soft songs. Sleep, sweet goddess sleep, For when you wake there is work to do :)

Darkness

     She fought the darkness only seeking light. For she feared the shadows and things she could not see. However, it was in the darkness that she found herself, and in the darkness where she finally began to understood not only day but night. 

It was in the darkness that her heart broke open and grew wings. It was where she allowed herself to be vulnerable and no longer feared being hurt. She learned to blossom even when she thought she would never see light again. She found a way to find joy, even when all seemed lost. She found faith when the shadows seemingly swallowed her up. When she allowed the darkness in and quit fighting and fearing it she found balance in her soul. She found strength and courage she didn't know she had. She found she needed equally both the day and the night. She craved the dark sky, the stars and the moon. She craved the clouds and sun. She craved the wind and the rain. She didn't want perfect anymore. Instead, she craved the messy, crazy adventure that is life. She learned to quit existing and to live. But only when she realized that sometimes you can't see the next step. Sometimes when moving forward you can't see or plan for what happens next. Most of the time part of the joy in life is not knowing and bravely stepping into the shadows. 

illusions

There are some truths that come at you hard and fast. They suddenly and without remorse break all the illusions you have built around yourself. You find yourself  among all the pieces broken, scratched and bleeding. You take a deep breath and  try to assess the damage. You may even try, in a panic, to frantically gather the pieces and throw them back together. However, the pieces are to small and the damage is to great for an easy or fast fix.  In that moment you mourn the loss of the lies and illusions. It's not that you don't value the truth, it's not that you would want to continue living a lie. It's just that in that moment you know nothing will ever be the same and everything is getting ready to change. You can't keep playing the game. You can't pretend that you don't see, you can't keep blaming yourself, you can't keep thinking it's all in your head. The illusions are gone and the glass is broken. The lights are no longer playing their magical games as they dance between the glass and show you what you want and need to see. Instead you are left with a glaring and painful truth. You are left with the pieces and you have to decide what to do from here. Do you cut yourself over and over trying to repair something that may be impossible to fix? Do you continue to bleed and hang on to hope? Or do you dust yourself off, step through the glass and walk away?

Healing and Breathing

~ Wrote this as kind of an ode to my yoga mat. It has gotten me through so much....and been one of the best forms of therapy out there....... There are days that I just don't know how I would get through without it.....~

Sitting alone 
Lost in a wave of grief to big to hold alone
Holding on to a hope that is long gone
Breathing is all that is left to do
Breathe to hold back the tears
Breathe to hold back the pain and push through
Breathing until a real smile can once again appear
Breathing to hold yourself up
Moving though seemingly thicker air
Breathing and moving
Until all the heavy thoughts begin to flow like wisps in the wind
Breathing and moving 
Learning to accept what is
Taking moments to find balance and breathe
Balance to pull in 
Gaining confidence to weather the storm
Breathing and balancing
Finding a new kind of strength
Breathing and moving 
Pushing past old limits
Breathing and moving 
Gaining a new sense of power
Breathing and moving
Until the body has nothing left to give 
Lying alone 
Breathing and letting go
Releasing all that no longer serves
Breathing and surrendering 
Allowing to pain to come up
Breathing as the tears streak down the face
Breathing...
 Letting the tears wash the pain and fear away
Closing the eyes and feeling a new sense of peace
Breathing and continuing to surrender
Knowing that all will be well
Knowing you were never really alone

Letter to my child, embarking on their first warrior quest ;)

My Dearest Child,

It has come to my attention that you no longer see yourself as a child. That I have overlooked the fact that you are growing up and becoming a young adult. I do apologize for the over site. I would love to keep you as my little baby forever. However, as you so lovingly pointed out.....that is no longer my reality.
I am proud that you are ready to take on adulthood and all the it requires.
Now here is where I am going to let you in on a little secret. You are not just a mortal child growing into adulthood; you are a great and mighty upcoming warrior. I am starting your training with the very basic household warrior training. You are right, I should have started this years ago. You should move through the quests I am giving with great ease so that you are ready for your outdoor warrior training within a few months.

Your journey and very first quest begins here. I am so proud of you....best wishes.


Your first quest......You will enter the bathroom and wield the mighty sword of truth. (you will know what it is when you finish reading ;) ) You will walk towards the Sacred Basin of Porcelain and look within its magic waters. You must then find the magic blue potion, that allows one to remove all that holds them back from seeing their truth.
You will pour some of this potion into the water and raise your sword of truth up high, and to the Gods of  Porcelain you will say:
"As above, so below
With this sword and potion
Let my truth be known."

You will then plunge the mighty sword of truth into Basin of Porcelain and begin to scrub. When you feel as though you have washed away all that will keep you from seeing your truth, your will flush all the toxic energy away. (You may have to repeat this step as you are learning)
When you are done you will look deep into the waters and know a few things.
# 1 That it is clean enough to see yourself....and maybe with time see your truth (whatever that may be)
#2 That you cleaned the great Basin of Porcelain
# 3 You have competed your quest

You will return the mighty sword of truth to its resting place (make sure to thank it for all its work)
You will repeat this quest at least every other day until you move out.

P.S.
I know you well enough to know that you just rolled your eyes and are super unimpressed. Maybe you don't yet believe in the everyday magic. However, you must believe in it before you can embark on the more powerful magic that fills your books and video games.
You may also be saying that I just told you how to clean a toilet.  I have to say I super disappointed that you have such a muggle attitude. That will change with each quest ( I promise) I also promise to never give up on you if this proves to be a challenge.

Here is what you need to know about the Gods of Porcelain. One day many years from now, at the age of 21. You will be invited into a magic world full of magic elixirs, drinks and potions. You may choose to drink these and party and dance with your friends. They will cause much merriment and laughter, so much so, that you will at some point forget your limits and over do it.
It is this moment that you will be praying to the Porcelain Gods. As you are praying to them with all passion of a Wookie, you will know that your prayers are being heard. Why? Because you my child have honored them on a regular basis. You have sought their wisdom and truth. In that moment of complete vulnerability while you are holding on to that basin and looking into the sacred water, you will know they have your back.

P.S.
This quest must be done on a regular basis for one month before curfew can be extended. Safe journey into the realm of truth. More quests will follow soon.
All my love,
Mom