Demons

She is drowning
Crying
Screaming, but no one can hear
Fighting and gasping for air
Struggling against each wave
Struggling against every moment
The waves pull her under
The weight of the body of water
Is suffocating...
The pain that she feels from being beaten
By the remains of what once was her life
Take the air from her lungs
Even when she can gasp for air
Not taking no for an answer
Her demons are fighting her
On every level
Penetrating darkness into her body
Forcefully...Angrily
Her demons use her body
Taunt her
Reek havoc on her soul
She is drowning
She is dying
So she stops..
She stops fighting
Her body goes limp
She is defeated
She disconnects and leaves her body
She imagines she is in the ocean
Floating
Peaceful, serene, safe
She prays
That when she opens her eyes
It will be sand beneath her body
Not the sticky red horror of her own blood
She doesn't remember when the assault stops
She doesn't remember when her demons leave her
She comes back to her body
Alone, cold..
Covered in the eccense of her life force
A life force that was forcefully taken
She is hollow and full of grief
A sob escapes her lips
But she pushes it back
She came here
She played with fire that holds demons
She asked for love
This, she learned at an early age
Is love
A war, a battlefield
One in which you can't for a second let your guard down
This is what happens when you trust
She picks up her bruised and tattered body
Wipes the blood from her lips
Hoping it will take away the sting
Acknowledging, that there isn't a place on her body that doesn't hurt
Realizing that her body, and heart and soul
Are forever changed
She turns on the shower
Watches the steam fill the air
Cryptically watchs the blood swirl and disappear down the drain
Parts of herself that she will never get back
She feverishly washes the blood from her body
From her hair
Reminders of all she lost
A reminder of her weakness
She stays until the water loses its healing heat
Drys herself
Tries to remember to breathe
To remember her training
She once again disconnects
Opens the door
Forces a nice word, a smile
She crawls into bed with her demons
Kisses them goodnight with sore swollen lips
Listen to them lie and taunt her once again
She closes her eyes
Knowing she will fight them in her sleep
Knowing she will fight them when she wakes
Knowing she will fight them everyday
Until the last of her life is given
Until she has nothing left to fight for
This is her life
Surrounded by demons
Screaming so loud...
It's all she can hear
Screaming
But no one can hear
She is drowning

Rejection

Rejection never looked good on her
Although, she wore it well
Rejected all her life
A thousand tales to tell
A thousand ways to fix herself
She works hard to be
All of the things she thinks
Will make her accepted and free
She works to be smarter, funnier, more together
She works her body to its breaking point
She works to be loved
She works to feel beautiful
She works to find her place
She strives to find perfection
For just one slip
Everything will change
She can not stop or rest
She can't risk everything falling apart
Friends and lovers leave
She isn't quiet good enough yet
She picks herself up
After each lonely night
Feverishly stitching together
Each tattered piece of her life
She works without rest
Hoping that someday
She will finally get it right
Rejection never looked good on her
But she wears it well
Scars that she hides
Bandaged and taped together
Hidden with a smile
And woven in tales
That she will never tell

Broken Record

That broken record

Played consistently 

In her head

For years

And years

Briefly silenced

Has creaked to life again

That scratchy, repetitive sound

You will never be good enough

Once again

Spins round and round

~Anita

Finding your voice

Finding your voice will not be easy

After decades of silence

It will be hard to convey, your wants and needs

It may come out in all the wrong ways

But just keep talking baby

Keep letting your words pour out      

I promise, I PROMISE, you won't drown

Even when it's clumsy, and all over the place

Even when it's awkward, and friends turn away

Even when it hurts, and even when your scared    

Even when it sounds foreign

Like it's not even you                       

Keep speaking your truth love

It will sound fluent soon

Quit settling for things that limit you

Your soul and your spirit need to break free

Don't keep your magic locked inside

Give a voice to your feelings, thoughts

 hopes, dreams, wants, and needs

Keep them wild

Set them free

Find your voice love

Please find it soon

There is a world out there 

Just waiting for you    

Written myself empty

I have written myself empty

Laid my soul bare

Searching for something

Yet nothing is there

Breath becomes shallow

No end in sight

This is what happens 

When you let down your guard

What happens when you stop the fight        

I hear voices 

So loud in my head

Repeating my faults over and over

You knew better they said

Never let your guard down

Never lay yourself bare

For when you let someone in 

When they see the real you 

You can't expect

Anyone to be there     

I am a warrior

There is no relief in sight

I will fight this war

Until I lose my light

I will lay my life down         

                My breath will be gone                     

No more searching

No more fighting

No more hiding

My battle will be done

"She's Imperfect, but she tries"

~This has become my song....my way of healing. I think part of the issue in dealing with PTSD, is that I really wanted the part of me that died back. The girl who saw the world through rose colored eyes. I wasn't accepting, that I now view the world with less trust. Less trust, but honestly, I am still very trusting. I am just not as naive. I have also grown in so many ways. I am stronger than I thought I could be. Yes, I got stuck. Yes, I kinda still am on some levels. But I am working on it every day. So while this may not be where I saw my life.....it is where I am. My core qualities never went away....and honestly, my life is beautiful. I am dreamer and I have so many things that are moving forward.  I am back at my yoga... and I am speaking my mind. I am finding my voice again. That part sucks sometimes, because its hard to put myself first. Its harder when you just want to keep those you love in your life, but your needs, your voice pushes them away. Guilt is still there, but in more reasonable doses. I am really growing....and I feel like this next year is going to be mind blowing. Less waiting and more doing. This is part of the song I fell in love with, because it is very me. 

Real Strength

    I have spent years suffering in silence. Exposing only what I had to when I reached a point that I couldn't hold it alone anymore. I have been terrified of living with a label, having others view me as less than. I have held more guilt than any three people should. I have beat myself down, and been the biggest liar and bully, to my own heart and soul. I have spent more than half my life hiding from, being ashamed of, running from the fact that I have PTSD.
     It seems silly, that I am only just now seeing that this does not define me. Just now looking outside the walls I created. It seems silly that I have been freely giving my power away for years.
Yet, here I am.
    I don't think I am alone in this. I think a great deal of us are suffering alone, in silence, with this massive monster.
It is easy to shut down and feel alone in a  society where we are expected to be on 24/7. It is a common perception that we are somehow weak if  we don't get our shit together quickly and move forward. This perception still exists because we participate in it, therefore making it a reality. I have made it my reality for years. I pretended, sucked it up, painted on a smile and went about my day.
I get up and work after nights of not sleeping, because the nightmares got the better of me. I make everyone's expectations my own.
Why?
     Because,  I am terrified of what I will see if I stop. Terrified of what others will see in me if I let down my walls. Terrified of what will happen if I just stop and take a second to compose myself. Terrified of my own voice.
The very thing that I need to do, scares me the most.
      I learned over the years to disassociate from those pieces of myself.
That way I could sit in mediation, and feel without breaking down. Leave that other part of me in a box. Act like that part of me never existed.  I can flow through my yoga classes, help others heal, but never touch my own wounds. I can shower others in love and grace. Yet,I lack the ability to do it for myself.
     I thought it made me stronger, and it did for a while.
 It was only suppose to be a crutch. It gave me the ability to cope and accept.  It was honestly, the only reason I could continue to function. It did serve a purpose and it helped me. I was the one who made it a handicap. I didn't let it go, didn't try to work without it. I didn't do the work for years and years.
     The past few years, the universe broken me down again and again. The last big shake up being the one that took me to my knees. In that moment, I couldn't get it back together. The damage was far too great for plaster and quick fixes. This time I really had to do some work. It was one of the most awful and rewarding experiences I have ever had. I wish it didn't have to be so devastating, but I wasn't open for anything else. I was to hidden, too skilled at my craft. It is an ever moving process, and  am still working on it.
      In doing so I have been amazed with how things opened up for me. I have had people come into my life that have shown me magic. Brought me back here to my writing. Given me a chance to slow down. I have had amazing friends who have met me where I was at and just loved me. These amazing souls deserve a story of their own. Something I am currently working on.
      I can't speak for everyone, I can only share what I have learned. My hope is that in sharing, maybe I can find others who are stumbling through the dark with me. Make something beautiful out of our darkness. Together we can find strength and find a way to rebuild our fire.
      I am grateful for all the tools and walls that kept me sheltered and safe so I could get to this point. But I am tired, so fucking tired of just surviving. Tired of slapping band aids on open, gaping wounds. Tired of feeling less than. Tired of being afraid. Tired of holding back.
      I want to heal and I want to thrive. I want to look the world in the eyes and say "Bring it! I can handle whatever you throw my way!" I want to be a warrior who can be real with herself. I want to stop hiding and I really want to feel life the way it should be felt. Uncensored, raw and real.
     That being said, I am going to write my story. I may publish, I may not. But I am done hiding from it. My hope, is that anyone who can relate to this, will reach out. Reach out here, or to someone that you trust. There is strength in numbers and we are not alone. We never have been. It's time to come out of hiding. It is time to find our voices. Time to show the world what real strength looks like.