When the nightmares win

I am fighting
Fighting to breathe
Fighting to stay present
Fighting the tears
Fighting the screams
Fighting the pain
Fighting to stay here
Fighting to let go
Fighting shame
Fighting fear
Fighting anger
Wondering how I got here again
Tired
I am so tired
Tired of long nights
Tired of fake smiles
Tired of losing myself in alcohol
Tired of running
Tired of crying
Tired of feeling broken and lost
Tired of feeling weak and alone
Just wanting the pain to stop
This what you did when you preyed upon my trust
This is what happened when you stripped me of my power
This is the reality of my work..
This is unbelievably heart breaking
Soul shattering work
This is 2am
This is raw
This is vulnerability
This is praying to whoever will listen
This is me
Reminding myself to hold on
Reminding myself that I am worth the fight
This is me
Fighting to rise
Rise up out of the ruins
Rise up out of the ash
Rise up out the dust of a world that you burned
This is me saying Fuck you
This is me saying you didn't beat or destroy me
This is me fighting
I am fighting..
~Anita

Inner Warrior

There have been days...years even..
 That I never would have believed this.  Something in the last couple years ....and even more so that last few months has shifted. I still struggle with trust (in myself and with others) and self worth....
Now, I also see the warrior
I see the survivor in me.
I see that there have been moments that should have destroyed me ....but I didn't let them.
I see the divine, the Goddess. I see that even with all of the horrific moments.....I still have grace and love.
It may have kept me frozen....but I never lost my ability to love. I never lost my ability to see only the good in people. I have been told this is one of my greatest gifts and curses. Even with all the hurt, I would never trade it.
Yes, sometimes I can't deal with real life and I stay in my own little world. But that world....those rose colored glasses have protected me.
All the trauma...the decades of nights spent reminding myself that things would get better. The nights of telling myself to just hold on and breathe for another hour.....hour after hour until the sun came up....made me who I am today.
 Those nights alone guided me to the moon,  she became my best friend and confidant.
Those days of painting a smile on my face and going through my day,even when everything in me was dying, gave me the ability to see the hurt in others.
Today, years and years ago, everything changed for me. I died that day....not physically although it could have easily happened. The person I was died. I think I spent so much time reaching back for the girl I was. Reaching for all that I thought I had lost.
Subsequent traumas followed and with each one I faded.
I felt myself losing more and more of me. I just wanted the old me back, but she no longer exists. I think the biggest part of my healing is to let her go, and fully step into the woman I am today. Then to share my story with others, and hopefully in some way help.
This is where I think my work is....in helping others heal. I have developed a great ability for public speaking. Even though I am still finding my own voice.
I have the ability to teach, and a love for healing in areas like yoga and reiki. I hope to continue to learn and grow in other forms of the healing arts.
So I don't know where all of this will lead. For the first time this month, I woke up feeling strong, and like maybe some of the trauma is fading. Maybe I am just using it as fuel to take the next steps. It will be interesting to see where the next year leads me. I have no clue....but I feel big changes in the air..

Moonlight

She loved the way the moon caressed and bathed  her bare skin. 
Leaving her whole body seductively illuminated and glowing.  
She felt her power growing as she moved through the moon beams that night, allowing the moon to pour itself into her soul. 
Her bare feet were in contact with the earth. 
She could feel the nourishment and love.
 She could feel it's music that night.  
Even alone she could hear the drums....
Hear the music that came from long ago.....and her hips moved and swayed to their rhythm. 
She had more power than she had ever believed. 
The moon was opening her to her path....

She understood the secrets and magic this night. 
She knew she could never go back to ordinary ways of thinking...

She was goddess, .and with that, she could not stay stuck in the mundane. 
Her purpose had been decreed long ago. 
It had been written in the stars. 
She had a divine path and she had move towards her birthright.

The wind picked up slightly as the trees breathed a sigh of relief. 
How they had longed to talk with her again. 
Now she could hear them and she knew she was home. 
She could feel the energy around her in all living things. 

Giving great thanks to the moon and earth she stretched out on the grass, and closed her eyes. Sleep would soon be hers. 
She could finally relax under the soft rays and fierce protection of the moon. 
The moon continued to immerse her in love and strength all night.
 The winds glided over her skin, and the trees and birds sang soft songs. 
Sleep, sweet goddess sleep
 For when you wake there is work to do :)

Dreaming

She found herself alone sitting among the decay
In an old cemetery that had become her favorite place
She allowed herself to melt into the soft cool grass
Looking longingly above her at the stars
Glistening against the blackest sky
Here she would lay down her sword
Here she would rest if only for a night
She was losing hope
She was losing power
Her light was draining hour by hour
This is why she felt so at home among the dead
It is why she found hope in the souls whom had lost their bodies long ago
It won't be long she said with a sigh
Until I dance in the other world
Not long before my spirit flies high
She was so tired of fighting
So she slept and she dreamed
Dreamed of swimming in the stars
So high, at peace and free
For in that moment lost in her dreams
This warrior could finally breathe
It won't be long she said with a sigh
The light of new day filling her eyes
She squared her shoulders and picked up her sword
Thanking the ghosts whose earthly bodies
Rotted beneath the ground
They had protected her
Allowed her to sleep
With a final sigh she set out
On yet another quest
For mortal life is not easy
It was not meant for the weak
There are many battles to fight
For there are to many demons to beat.

Storms.

I stood before you and exposed the storms and hurricanes of my heart
I showed you the winds that were designed to keep you at a distance
Yet, you didn't back away
You spoke with words and music that calmed the winds
And in a moment of complete vulnerability and trust
I let you in
I let you in believing that within the eye of both our storms
We could both finally find love and peace
Your fire would evaporate my drenching rains
My rain would sooth the intensity of your fires
We had moments of pure bliss
We fueled each other
Our storms growing bigger and more intense each day
Growing and dancing within one another
A force so powerful that no outside force could stop it.
Only we could

And we did...

We weren't ready for the raw power and passion our union brought

So in a moment of anger

Our storms collided headed on

And we bounced away from each other

Left alone

Weakened temporarily 

Yet, still very powerful

In spite of our anger and egos

In spite of all we know 

We keep circling back to each other

Dancing around the outer rims of each others storms

Loving the way we both soothe and ignite one another

Drifting away to learn what makes us grow

A delicate dance of fire and water

Waiting for that moment when we are ready

Waiting for that moment that our storms once again combine 

Taking on the world together with more

Passion, Energy and Magick 

Than anyone can imagine...

Realm Dancer

She spent her whole life
jumping between the portals
Of fantasy and reality
Sometimes standing in the space
Between the two...
She was always alone here
Feeling the need to choose
Until she unexpectedly found herself
In the arms of someone
Who like her....
Moved between realms
This brief moment
Grounded her
Allowing helping her see       
She doesn't have to choose
Part of the complexity that made her who she was
Was the dance between  reality and fantasy......
Both shadow and light
Nymph and lady....
All just part of her beautiful realm dance
Never knowing exactly where it would lead
~Anita

Letter to those who are struggling

I wrote this for a friend a while back. I think that maybe we need to extend the same kind of love to ourselves. That we have to be our own hero and best friend. We should extend this to others as well, knowing the love and friendship may never be returned. That's okay because when we learn to be our own hero...we really don't need anyone. Those in our lives are there because we want them to be. We lose the attachment of need and we find our own strength. Warriors can find and battle their way out of the dark woods. We always survive and our scars become our stories....our legacy. We all tell them in our own way. Mine will always be with words and soon dance. 

To those in my life struggling, here is a reminder of your greatness and your strength...

I will be here if you need me....

Sweet beautiful girl
One day you are going to meet someone that will love you through your darkness. Someone who will pick up your broken pieces, and show you how beautiful you are.  They will see you start to spiral and they will pull you closer.  They will help bring balance and they will stay.
One day you will meet that person who won't leave. The love that will really see you.You will find your light in darkness. And I know, god I know, that right now it feels like things are darker than they have ever been. You are not alone in the dark, I am here. People like us don't go  through all that we have been through, to just give up. We don't cave just because someone can't handle our hurricane. We rest and we fight. We are warriors, it's always been our path. We shall not go out easily...warriors never do.
It's okay to rest today.  Lay down your sword and let me hold your pain, your insecurity, your anger. Breathe, for a moment, free of is burden. Allow your strength to build. I can hold it for us both.
I see you. I see your beauty, and I won't leave you. I will protect you with my life, with the very essence of who I am. I won't let anyone hurt you while you breathe. I know it's hard to trust because everyone has let you down. I know you have heard this over and over. I know how vulnerable you feel in these moments.  I know how it feels so hear me when I say, I won't let you down.
Rest until you are ready. And you when you are...I will hand you your sword and I will help you fight your way out of this dark forest. I will not leave your side until you are in a safer space. One day those that have left and hurt you, in search of something better, will realize they had everything they needed in you. That all the new adventures and loves pale to the storm that is you. They will look back and see that you are even more beautiful than you were. That all of the unrest and hurt and fighting have strengthened you. That your broken pieces are an unbelievably beautiful form of art. Then they will finally see you, but the winds of your strength will keep you safe from further damage. They will be left to marvel at your greatness and wonder how they ever let you get away. You are going to be okay, I promise. You are going to happy and free again. You are going to find your way out of this forest, away from the abyss. You are going to have the most amazing life. But first, you have to take care of yourself. You have to let everything go and just breathe.  Rest my beautiful friend....I have this.