How do you say goodbye

The title says it all....how do you say goodbye to something that has been everything to you.That was Saturday for me...the closing of the 200 hour official training.....the moment of coming into circle for the last time....the beautiful ritual of closing the circle....and all the good byes that I did quickly while smiling .....all so I could run out to my car and get in it and drive away before anyone saw me break down and cry. Some may look at this and think I am silly because it was just a yoga training.....something to bridge the gap from where you are to where you want to be. It may have started out that way.....it was something that I posted on my wall over a year ago....I wanted this training through Yogaworks....so you can imagine how thrilled I was when it happened. I knew I would learn a lot, and that my yoga practice would deepen...
However, what I didn't expect what just how much it would deepen and how much this training, my teachers, and the beautiful ladies in our "tribe" would become my strength and help me find my way back out of an ever growing dark space I had found myself in. This amazing group taught me to rediscover my backbone and my voice. In all of the laughter, tears,god damn-its,  and yes even the fighting there were more life lessons and gifts than I can name. There were days in between weekends that were grueling for me, and I found strength  in knowing that if I really couldn't deal with it.....if it really got to hard...there would soon be a circle of support for me to let it go. This gave me the power to just breath. I never really needed to vent much because once I found myself back in that energy I immediately felt stronger...immediately knew that at least for the next three days everything was okay.
The biggest lesson I took away from this had nothing to do with how much better my asana practice was. The biggest lesson was learning how to hold a pose that hurt....or was uncomfortable....or that I just flat didn't want to be in at that moment....and not only hold it but to stop reacting to the perceived pain and discomfort. To use the peace and power within to get through and know that the benefits were there and the strength was there.....I just had to "get out of my own way"and let it happen.
Other lessons were with the letting go and just having fun with poses....or what I took away.....letting go and just having fun in life.
It taught me that while I felt totally out of my element and felt like I had really made a huge error of judgment in how ready I was for this training ....that I could stand on my own feet and just do it. It taught me to practice harder and let go of what was not available to me right now....knowing that with time and practice it would be.
The philosophy gave me a lot to think about and honestly bridged a gap in some of my other areas of training. It really helped with learning to not react....and is giving me the ability to not beat myself up when I do. I am learning to be kinder to myself. I learned that in order to really live again ....I am going to have to stop squashing all my emotions and the things that have caused trauma or sadness or whatever.....and start dealing with them. Now that  I know that I need to ....I am waiting for the person who will come (and I am sure that will be soon...because I am finally ready) to show me just how to do that. All the physical discomforts stem from not dealing and I have to say .....it really pissed me off when I realized how much I was hurting myself.

I learned that even if the middle of all the shit in my life right now.....I have so much joy......because the gift this training gave me was the ability to once again find joy with my family tribe.....to start reaching out to friends again....to stop trying to do it all my own.

There is much more I could say.....and probably will in time......but for now.....I just want to end by saying I know we didn't say good bye. However, closing that door on the past 6 months left me scared and out of my element for a little while. I cried the whole way home....but I also know that the friendships....the lessons and the gifts that we all found and received by growing and learning together will always be available. I think as a "tribe" we were all beyond blessed with the gift of our teachers....Jeanmarie and Janet. They were not two people who just showed up because they had to.....they teach with love and it radiates from them and found its way to each of us....giving us what we needed and bringing light to the things we most needed to leave the dark. I love everyone in our tribe and look forward to growing together in a new way....the hard part of our training is beginning.....Love....light and hugs..

Namaste.....

Mystical Forest

Mystical and powerful
She feels the moon calling her forward
The earth is pounding under her feet
Beckoning for her to return
The night is rhythmically whispering
You are of ancient blood
The time for your return is near
The forest in rustling in sweet anticipation
For they know she is returning
The earth is ready to meet her dancing feet
The night is aching to hear the long forgotten Goddess chants
The forest ready to feel her true spirit reunite with them once more
The fire is burning and she is no longer blind
No longer trying to hide
No longer afraid
Few can hear what she does
Few can feel the beat of the earths drum
Sisters she is calling
Rise and come with me
We must move back into our power
We must fulfill our destiny
The earth to long has been without
And to us we hear her cry
It is time .....our truth we can no longer deny
In the forest our fire will burn
Our voices will chant
Our feet will dance
Our hands will hold the elemental powers
Our actions will heal
We must leave  false perceptions  behind
We must remember who we are and from where we came
Our power is not something we can continue to minimize nor disavow
The time is coming
The earth is calling
Do you hear it sisters....

Magical Winds

Magical winds blow across the sea
Speaking in words….no mortals were meant to hear
Holding many secrets of times long ago….
Laughing with the ocean they play their music well
Hypnotic and mystical for all who are open
Ready to hear the words…ready to dance the song
Those who are ready know the wonders the elements posses
Water…Earth…Fire…Air ..
Can you hear them whisper …
Guiding and teaching as they go….
Open to the words they whisper
Dancing as you go
The magic winds blow far and free
Across the vast and mighty sea…..
In the twilight of the night
Under the soft dim glow of the stars above
All the wonder of the winds take flight
Dreaming things that seem far out of reach
Allowing us to see the things that are just beyond our realm
Magical winds blow across the sea….
Hoping for one …just one to believe…
Walk the path of those before
Believe in the wonders of so much more
Things beyond reason….wishes and hopes
Magical winds…do you see them as they blow…
Asking if you believe…..
Magical winds take my dreams and make them real…
Carry my hopes and set them free
Nurture them…. so they never stifle with me
Magical winds embrace my soul as they glide across me….
Watching me as I dance…..taking me on journey
A dream beyond compare….
Magical winds have blessed me in ways most will never understand
Bringing harmony with its dance….allowing me to sail upon it
Across the vast and mighty sea…for you see
I believe……..
~Anita~

In the mist of the water

In the mist of the water
Holding on tight
So much pain and turmoil
She is going to win this fight
Taking time to sooth the fire
Yet never put it out
It is in these soothing moments
She remembers just what she is about
It hard while in the battle to think
It is hard to keep the head clear
Easy to wander and fumble
Tired yet knowing victory is near
In the mist of the water
All pain is being erased
All the voices that say quit trying
All the voices who say don't believe
Those voices are quietly dying
Under the calm the water brings
In the mist of the water
The rage of the fire is cooling

Bringing  nourishing steam
Cleansing and renewing
All toxic moments are released 
In the mist of the water
Everyone thinks she is giving up
They leave her all alone

Thinking she is lost
In the mist of the water
Her heart and determination are growing
If only they knew that by leaving
They are allowing her to gain speed
In the mist of the water she is preparing
Resting for that which she knows lies ahead
For she knows the battle will be there waiting
She knows it will be hard to win
In the mist of the water all doubt is washed away
She will be victorious....there is no other way

In this mist of magic water 

She is becoming
She is being....

She is

Bucket List =)

       I found that of the things in life that I regret the most it is rarely about the things I did …instead it is about the things I didn’t do……..the things left unsaid….nothing is worse than wondering what if…… I wish that I had not left so many things unsaid and undone in my life. I often find my self wondering why I lacked courage to just put it out there. Most of the time it was fear...fear of rejection…fear of being told no…fear of being judged…fear of the unknown

Could my life be better and more rounded if I had just let go and trusted myself and my instincts.. Life is just to short to hold back all the time…..

We are all handed opportunities to try and do things that test and challenge who we are and lead us to our true selves. It is just a matter of stepping up when you get the chance and trusting in yourself and the universe to guide and direct you….following the ebb and  flow of life

So that being said I am starting a list of things the I really want to do and then  I am going to get out there and do it…..Life is to short to not enjoy and really be lived. You are not guaranteed anything ……tomorrow is hope not a promise and there is no reason to let it pass and slip by while living  a mediocre life…. we are all going to have to fears .... up and downs…we will all make mistakes…but I never want to sit and wonder why I didn’t try…why I didn’t take a chance

So I am starting my list…not because I am afraid of dying ….but because I do not want to walk through life and never live………

SO for the short list….because I know it will grow and grow

~Learn to dance several styles

~SCUBA……in a beautiful place

~Spend a weekend*maybe a week* at a wonderful beach and just relax…..

~Visit Ireland and Italy…

~ Skydive….*GULP*

~Finish school

~Make sure that I help my kids achieve at least one dream adventure

~Get my personal trainer certification

~ Get my yoga teaching cert.

Life lesson from Virabhadrasana 1 and the word floppy...

I have been blessed over the past few years with some really strong teachers who have taught me a lot about myself just through letting me in on an observation or just making me see things as they are.
  Samara taught me while trying to get me to move my feet during belly dancing class that I have commitment issues. It is a moment that I will never forget. She was standing beside me telling to move... she said "just quit thinking and commit to moving your feet". It didn't happen that day and she said "Anita you have some serious commitment issues" To which I replied.."No I don't I have 4 kids." LOL....sometimes the things that ring most true are the ones we immediately deny. She was of course right....and I took that lesson and learned that  I do indeed have a issue with commitment and now that I see it... it is something that I am working on and getting better at all the time.
My Reiki teacher Lee.... has been the biggest blessing in my life. She never sugar coats but always speaks from love. I have learned so much from her and she continues to teach and my bless my life.  She taught me about Ego.....and the first time she talked about keeping our egos in check was during a Reiki I training....I was thinking...ohh...thats easy...I don't have an ego...*bwhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha*...... I do have ego....lots of it. Knowing this helps me to keep it in check....I even gave ego a shape....it looks like the Hopi Kokopelli Indian figure...and when I am meditating or doing reiki....I always put him in a cage...and say just for now I need to be without you.

Sooo all of that brings me to my latest life lesson. I am taking 200 hour yoga teacher training course..I have attended 2 weekends of it now and it has been one of the most amazing experiences.....albeit painful and very humbling.
Before I go on I need to break the "voices" ~no not the crazy kind~  down so it has a chance of making sense. These are how I break down my thoughts ...and how I sort through things...so don't laugh at me too much =)

Ego~~Hopi Kokopelli  Indian figure
Inner Retard~~ if you have seen Titus...you know what I am talking about...if not ...its that part of you that always thinks you are going to screw up or do something stupid. That being said...lets move on....

On the last day of training this past weekend  we are working on Vira I/warrior 1, and I have been working very hard on it in hopes of finally getting something right. Our teacher Jeanmarie has all of us get in front of the class and go through the things we have learned so far. My turn gets here and I am doing okay until we get Vira I/Warrior 1.... I go up into what I think is a very strong pose and so I understood all the feed back I was getting until she tells me to straighten my back leg.  
Ego.. What ...my back leg is straight....
I keep trying  to straighten it but I just have no idea what it is she wants me to do. I already feel like I have hyper extended my knee...Jeanmarie...makes some adjustments and while she is doing so  she makes the statement..."you are a floppy girl"...WTH?!?.....floppy...she goes on to say " that she was too when she started...just means I have more flexibility than strength." Again what????? she makes some more adjustments and my leg is killing me.. but  finally...I am in what she says is a better warrior 1. She takes some before and after pictures...lets me to finish the sequence and I finally get to get off the mat and go sit down.
I am trying to watch the other students and get my mind off the word floppy.....but it continues to run circles in my mind....Floppy??!!?? For the first little bit all I could do was associate the word floppy with fat....Reactive YES....but given my past issues with weight ...a very expected ...conditioined first reaction. I resist looking at the pictures....wanting to be alone when I did in case I was unhappy with what I saw...
Later in the day we start doing sutras and I calm down and realize that I am reacting and I just need to let it go for know.....yaaaay yoga and the power of calm.

Now fast forward to Monday....the word floppy keeps popping up in my head and so I decide to really look at the pictures....I pull them up on my phone and what do I see very clearly in the before photo???? Floppy.... ugggg...and not floppy in the sense of fat...it looks like a lazy pose....like someone who just took the shape of the pose with no real effort put into it....WTH....ooooo... and yes she was right ...in spite of all my inner bitching my back leg was indeed bent. So here is how I finally processed it...
Ego...welll its okay ...you have never really had anyone teach you how to do it....
Inner Retard...noooo thats not true....you just don't like to do things that hurt because you are not strong.....
Ego....That's not true...that would be living in fear and I have a whole life based on love and not living in fear...
Inner Retard....**laughing  hysterically**....look at all the issues in your life....
Ego....I have more strength than you could imagine....and firey passion for life that you will never understand....I just don't like to show it much because I am afraid of the damage it will cause....
Inner Retard.....*smug*
Ego...*defeated*...back in cage   
Me...G*d Dammit.....here I am trying to half ass hold a pose without using  any of my inner strength to help me through it. Am I hurting anything short term....probably not...but I am making things waaay harder than they have to be. Am I hurting anything long term....you betcha...
Now apply that to my life.....do I have lots of issues that I am merely getting through....doing only what needs to be done on the surface so that I give the appearance of trying ....*deep sigh* yes...I am...I am living a floppy life....so there is my life lesson....and once you know something....you can't pretend you didn't see it or that you don't know it.
Sooo...it is time to learn how to stop being afraid of the inner strength...time to embrace my passion and find the wisdom to deal with things....Time to draw on all my strength and straighten that back leg into a powerful Vira 1/warrior 1. Thanks for the life lesson Jeanmarie =)

Learning to forgive ...learning to fly

There are moments in time that are so hard...so traumatic that they strip you bare

Moments that seem rob the light and essence of your spirit and soul

Moments that haunt you in the dead of night..and leave you wishing for reprieve

It’s in these moments …these awful times that we seem to really define who we are

We are not the event... nor are we defined by it

However,our true character comes through by how we handle them

It not the immediate reaction for those are so heart rending that there is no room for anything but grief and anger

It's what we do with the time after…how we heal…

How we forgive…how we let go…how we reach out to others

There is no set time on how long we stay in that anger and grief...no set time on how long it takes to heal…for these moments also offer up lessons that must be learned

These lessons can often seem harder than the event itself…because you are already so vulnerable and raw

It requires a great deal of faith to believe that some how...some way...you will find a new sense of normal

It’s hard sometimes to walk so blindly on faith in the dark…

The one thing we must remember is that no matter how dark things seem the light never leaves us…

The light is something that we must keep seeking out despite the hurt….

We must learn to walk our path to find our truth and light... even when all we want to do is stop and hide…

We must learn the lesson of forgiveness 

Forgive

It seems to be such a simple concept...and very necessary for growth  

However,  it always seems to be the hardest part….

We must of course find a way of letting go and find a place of  forgiveness for the event or people who have hurt us.....but that is not the hardest part..

The hardest part always seems to be forgiveness for yourself…

But it is the first and biggest step to reaching the light

It allows us to begin to understand that we are never alone 

That sometimes the things that we don’t understand are just moments of growth

Closing doors on our old perceptions...our old beliefs....and throwing us out of our comfort zone is the only way most us will reach for a new door...or even look out the window

Our  greatest opportunities...and greatest moments of growth always seem to stem from our greatest sorrows and loses... ~Anita Delashmit ** a "pep talk" to myself....I almost always have to write it out to get it..lol*

  ~I have a very blessed life....I am surrounded by wonderful family and friends who love and support me even when I don't deserve it. In spite of all the pixie magic....my life has had many moments that I was not sure I could get through. Each and every one of those moments changed me.....and helped me become a better person. They helped me reach beyond my self made limits and grow. Those moments made me appreciate the things that I had taken for grated. They taught me to sit and learn to breathe...they helped me develop  a deep love of being out in nature. ~* Maybe that is why I have always loved the stars, and why they bring me so much peace. It is when I am outside sitting under the stars and moon that I am reminded that I am always surrounded by light...even when it is dark and even if the stars seem small or far away.*~ There was one moment in my life that was changed everything....it was by far one of the hardest moments to pull myself out of the dark from....but I have been doing it. Little by little...bit by bit..year by year....  I am finally learning that the light has always been within. That all I ever needed to do was let go of the fear and pain. I am understanding and accepting that yes this is a hard time of the year for me.....and yes...its worse this year because I am still learning to live without my dad in physical form. However, I would not be who I am today without it. I learned to forgive the person and event a long time ago, and for years I thought that was enough. Now I am forgiving me....letting go of the trauma of the moment and learning to fly in a new way. I am even finding ways to live in gratitude for it.... it was one of my greatest lessons. Something that even years later I am learning from....it was a single moment that put me on a path that has lead me to so much joy and happiness.....I am blessed...I am ready to fly in light and joy.