Gratitude

 Love this time of year for many reasons.  It marks a changing of seasons that rides in with a colorful, magical display by mother Nature. It is a time of celebration and bonfires. It is when I get my jackets and boots back out. It is crisp and clear out and I can enjoy the cool with out freezing (most days)
   I just celebrated both Samhain and Halloween with family and many friends. Halloween as many of you know is my favorite times of year.....I have no idea why, but making the house all creepy, dressing up, and attending FOS are better than Christmas for me. I find as many things to attend and do, so I can soak it all up. I always feel a huge sense of blaaa when its all over. That being said, I decided to find a way to change that this year.
    In the Pagan/Celtic/Gaelic tradition this time of year marks a new year. I have never really given it much thought until now.
It makes sense to me on a spiritual level to start the new year now. It is a time to turn inward. It is a time a to reflect on the up coming physical new year (January 1) and make a plan that I can put into motion. It also makes sense to use this "new year" and take the time to really reflect on all the things in my life that are good....all the things that I am grateful for. That is what I am going to do. I have been hit with so much over the last few years and I need a way to make it all make sense. I need a way to change some things and find that inner fire. I need a way to gain a fresh perspective. I need to get back to seeing only the positive and letting go of all the negative things and thoughts that hold me back.
    I am going to spend the next year.....not month focusing on all the things that I have to be grateful for. I am going to try and do this on a weekly basis via this blog so that I don't drive my friends of facebook crazy LOL.
 So far this week.....I am grateful for my family and friends....I have had so many people who have held me up during all of the hurt and pain that has come up. I have friends who love me no matter what, that I can call at any moment and know that they are there for me.
I am grateful for my kids who laughter and love always bring light and laughter on the darkest days.
I am grateful for my home...it is old and in much need of repair, but keeps us warm and there is so much love and laughter within the walls.
I am grateful for all the love in my life
I am grateful for yoga....my mat has been the best therapy out there...
Will continue this type of blog through out the upcoming year and hopefully find a way to start writing again.

Fighting Shadows

    I have not written in a long time. I just can't seem to find the focus or inspiration....mostly because I am overwhelmed. I am seeking direction and for the longest time I have felt completely abandoned spiritually. However, now I feel like maybe it is just because I have been afraid. Afraid of more change.....more loss.... more upheaval. The control freak in me thinks that if I can find someway to maintain a "balance" then I can keep things the way that I want them. This mind frame is funny because if I have learned nothing else, I have learned that change is always going to happen. I can't stop it, I can only make it harder on myself to go through. I am trying to figure out what it is that has me so trapped in fear, and I think maybe it is fear of loss. It seems like that has been a primary theme for my life lately, and to be honest, I am tired of it. So I am trying to breath into that fear......let go of my need to control...let go of fear and just let life open up. Easier said than done. I would really like to be open to the change instead of having it blow up in my face. I would really like to step back into myself and do the things that I know I need to do. I would really like to complain less and just do the work that needs done.  I would really like to take back my power and find my voice again. I don't like the more meek, scared version of myself. I hate stumbling through everything because I am afraid of getting it wrong, making a mistake, or hurting someone. I have had many things that have been put in my path to let me know its time to step up....time to wake up.....time to move. I have two very good readings from dear friends that have just further confirmed this. Just need to listen and trust as I ask for my next move. Its time to face the shadows and walk towards the light.

Tired

I feel broken today. Ripped into little shreds....tired and drained on a level I can't explain. Nothing major has happened, just a lot of drama over the past few weeks,and lots of change on the horizon. I am not sure how to put anything back into order or even what it is I need to do right now. I know that this is a fleeting feeling and that sometimes things have to fall apart to get better. I know that they will, yet I still have that little bit of inner struggle that is just tired. Tired of feeling like every time things seem to be on track, they fall apart and a new lesson starts. The wiser part of me knows and is in gratitude for all the blessings these lessons continue to provide. So that being said....I am breathing....I am working ...everything is opening up just as it should.

Learning to trust

I wrote this a while back as part of journal entry......it speaks to where I am at now (minus the ice =) )
   As the ice pounds the world outside the walls in which I am confined, I find myself being swallowed in an ocean of worry and doubt.
The clouds of these old friends who just hours ago had no meaning or existence in my life are back and in strong force. This is life I guess....  The ebb and flow that continues to bring change and keeps us ever moving down our path. I know that there is much that I must do. I also know that I have hit a point of no return. There are no redos here,no opps I guess I was wrong, or please give me some more time to figure things out. This is a time of standing up and facing things head on. However, I find myself faltering a bit because of fear. Not just fear of the unknown..that I find rather intriguing. It is the fear of standing in an all to familiar place of trusting someone. Trusting in other person to be who they say they are...to do what they say they are going to do. This is not a fun place for me to be. It is trying to believe that I am good enough for someone to maintain what they say. It is believing that I am not disposable. It is believing that the people who directly influence my life on a daily basis are in my life because they want to be. It is trusting that they are not there just because I am safe, stupid, naive( I have been told that I only see the good in people) ....or just always there. It is trusting that it is okay to be me and see life through rose colored glasses even if it means getting hurt over and over. Despite this paralyzing fear I am still moving forward and at much more rapid pace than I ever thought I could. I am learning a long over due and very valuable lesson of letting go of the illusion of control and working on trust.I am learning to be open to the lessons(they seem less painful when I meet them in a place of acceptance and gratitude. ) Life is opening up in ways that I could never have imagined. So that being said....I also know it is time to start moving out of the fear so that life can continue to open up and guide me where I need to be.
Hope the lesson for that is something that I am ready for ....

Lunch???

This is my lunch today.... Which of these things does not belong? If you guessed chicken your right. After 2 years of being a strict Vegan, I finally decided to add meat back to my diet for 30 days to see if it would off set some of the health issues. This is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I am so sick of being sick all the time....so I am willing to try. I am following the Paleo diet because it includes tons of veges and gets me away from all the food I am allergic to. It also takes away grains (like rice) which I have been living off of. Plus it does not allow dairy which I will never consume again. So wish me luck....going to blog about it because it is a huge change and really big deal for me.
This is day 4 and the 3rd day I have gotten up with tons of energy and without a sore throat (have had that non stop for 3 months now). Not sure if it has anything to do with the diet change....we shall see. (doing this from so please excuse any mistakes )

A moment

    I knew today was going to be a good day when I walked into the kitchen. The sun was shining through the vast leaves of the tree in front of the window, creating magic. It looked as if fairies were dancing all over the window and in part of the kitchen.  How can that not be a sign of good things to come?
    Later as I walked to the garden I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude. The breeze was blowing and the birds were singing,and while it may sound corny, it just made all the worries disappear.  In that  moment I was blessed with being in nature, working my garden, and yes talking to my plants. I do happy dances when I see something new growing and sprouting. I love the time I spend watching the water create it own beautiful magic as it helps to give life to what will soon be my food...and in turn give life and energy to my family and I. After I finished the work I allowed myself a few minutes to sit and meditate. Just a few moments of just being. Today will get busier and before long I will be closing my eyes and ending another day, dreaming for more moments like this  =) . 

Light

This is another one from a different blog....trying to get them all in one place =)

Gentle words they speak
Flowing over spirit glides
Guiding and teaching
As we learn and grow
Teaching wisdom of times long ago
Hoping that you will come into the light
Where all is peaceful ..and all is right
No need for the stress and worry they say
We are here always...and always we will stay
Listen to our soft spoken words..
We offer you wisdom..
We offer happiness and hope
Please do not worry we give you free will
For we need you to come openly
Open your heart..your mind and your soul
Open yourself to the wonders of yore
The things that we teach have always been so
We offer a path for those willing to grow
You are connected to the infinite power
You can manifest all your needs or desires
Trust in us while trusting your self..
You have a such divine soul
You are the light

Hold fast to you....connect to the light
We are here always...