Death is Upon Us

Death is upon us

Icy fingers sliding down

Pulling away all of the what if and if only

Now....there is only now

Death is upon us

Nothing left to do

All of the attachments are leaving

All the big stresses now seem small

All of the ..someday I will

Those chances are now gone

Death is upon us

Moving in its sleek seductive way

Bringing light to all that was dark

Bringing peace where there was once pain

Death is upon us

It looks us in the eyes

Bringing forward all the memories of our life

All that we did and all the we neglected and failed

Becomes transparent while rocked in deaths embrace

Death moves upon us 

Sucking away the very essence of life

In this moment we see

All of the moments we sacrificed for this or for that

All of those moments that we can't have back

Death holds its icy grip 

The last moments of life begin to fade

The last moments of wishing we had just known

The moments of wishing we had just a little more time

Death hears us and nods while dropping us from his hold

Bringing back life in one sharp breath

Death came upon us to offer a gift

A chance to see all the ways we sabotage our light and our life

Death came upon us so that we would learn that we are here for just a short time

Reminding us to live our lives with love and light

To let go of regrets and be in the now

For when Death comes for us that is all that we have

Death is upon us

Lurking in the shadows 

We know not when or where 

 We will have to face deaths eyes again

So we live the lesson we were taught 

Now is all that we have

What a difference a year makes......

   My journey to eating for health and not just weight loss began, about a year ago, in May of 2010. I read Skinny Bitch, watched Food Inc and Food matters... and needless to say my view on food was forever changed. I was so moved by all that I had learned that I dove into my new lifestyle with enthusiasm.

• I quit drinking soda
• I stopped eating sugar
• Quit eating meat or animal by products
• Increased my water intake
• Starting working out and doing yoga every day   

I started all this and then spent a good bit of time trying to figure out exactly to handle all of the changes in a real world setting. I was not just working around a vegan lifestyle .....I also was working around may different food allergies ( corn, wheat, peanuts, and black beans)...not easy to do.. ... but I was doing it and feeling better and better every day.

   Then life hit and the blow of losing my dad rocked my whole world on a level that I was not expecting. I was unable to keep any food down for weeks after he passed and soda was the only thing that helped so I scratched   Quit drinking soda off of my list and felt totally justified in doing so.
     Long story short the year that followed was full of some of the highest/greatest moments of my life as well as some of the lowest moments.

                        Greatest

• Finding that I had the most loving support system full of family and friends
• Getting a job at the Y in the field of fitness
• Getting my certification in Yoga at the school I wanted Yoga Works...yaaay 
• Finding that I can heal myself with support and eating well
• Having time to spend with my kids
• Watching my oldest get back on stage and act

     Lowest 

• Losing my dad
• Losing an uncle and three very dear friends
• Staying sick more than not during the months that followed losing my dad
• Losing my job
• Losing myself

   So that was the past year in a nut shell. I found myself on a roller coaster of highs and lows all while fighting this sneaky little thing called depression. In trying to be a "strong" person ....I thought that depression was not something I would have to deal with. I managed to keep it at bay by throwing myself into work....then lost my job.  I refocused and put all of my energy into yoga training....then that ended. When all my distractions were gone, and it was just me... it hit me hard. Now I have to admit....it was taking its toll waaay before then. I just refused to see it until I was so covered in it that I had no choice. I stopped focusing on my own needs and quit going out unless I had to....or was just having a good moment. At the beginning of this summer May 2011....I started justifying adding crap back to my diet...sugar...white rice and potatoes....including chips....blaaa. *** These things are fine in moderation....just not as food groups.*** I stopped working out as much....and slowly my yoga and meditation practice sunk like the Titanic. That left me..... Tired....doubting and sick.

    I started doubting that eating healthy food had been making any difference. I thought I could just start working out again and just eat whatever I wanted. Wrong....eating the way I have been has not been giving my body the energy it needs...and no energy = short workouts  or no workouts...

 I was still unconvinced that any change needed to happen until a trip to the beach (another blog of its own) and discovering the small layer of fat that was protecting the hell out of my  semi well toned ...busted my ass to get them this way abs. That was my WTF moment......my lol......sigh...stamping feet....kicking wall...hissy fit....deep breath.....childs pose....New plan moment.

    I could feel how off my body was....but I had to see the effects before I would believe it...dammit.

 Now I know that I can't keep hiding in the dark.....can't hide from life....and sure as hell can't give up. I have so much that I want to do and  see .....so I have to keep pressing forward and taking care of me. That way I can take care of my family....and friends.....and have a blast living the life that I want.

Soo..here is the short list..... I have started

• Working out
• Daily yoga..
• Revamping my diet
• Letting go of sugar and soda...POUT
• Loving more and letting go of fear and anxiety 

  

  I have lost a lot this year. However, I am also starting to see that I have also gained some invaluable wisdom and insight. I know that I am still going to have bad days......but I also know that I have family and friends who love me and  have never let me down or allowed me to stand in the dark on my own. I am blessed....

  Looking forward to all the upcoming adventures and looking forward to seeing where I am ....and what I have been through this time next year.

                              Light and Love

    

Just don't ask me to stop believing in magic =)

    "It's just time to Grow up." This phrase is something that I have heard many times over the years and something that I have told myself on a daily basis. I have spent over half my life trying to figure out why I can't seem to fit in to this life of "adulthood." I have tried, trust me, but I always end up miserable and feel myself lacking and searching for this "grown up world" that I should some how be okay conforming to. In trying to do so I have dramatically changed me. I have outwardly become this timid, uptight, quite person because I am always afraid of letting the childish side of me come out. The reality of it is....its not working,and it never will because I am not being true to me.
    I finally get that I am a grown up and that growing up does not have to mean losing your spirit, imagination and zest for life. It does not mean that you have to cave to the norms of society. In fact when you settling for less than you really are leaves you living in zombie like state; not dead but not really alive. Its scary how many of us settle for that reality. I  realized that I was doing it all wrong while reading a book called Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill ((quick plug for the book....it is a must read for everyone.))  In this book I had to find something that I was passionate about.  Not something that I could live with, or something that would please others, but something that created in me a fire and drive.
     To do this I really had to get out of my head. I really had to let go of the shackles and chains of believing in self made limits. I had to just let it all go and believe. When I finally did .....I found it.....I found what it really is that I want to do with my life.. I am working harder than ever to obtain this dream that will be my life. My work will be something that will provide for my family, and will help others. It will be something that I feel blessed to have the ability to do everyday. Most of all it will allow me to remain to true me. I am still in the process of getting it all together. Putting tons of trust into the universe and allowing things to open up the way they should. I am super excited and will talk more about it when I have the fundamentals in place.
    I know that not everyone will understand or get me and that is okay. I wrote this more as reminder to myself when I am feeling  pressure from the world to conform.  Just please don't ask me to grow up~ if by growing up you are asking me to confine myself to a prison of being something that I am not. Please don't ask me to give up on the light and essence that is me. Please don't ask me not to believe in the light and magic of my life. I may not seem or be perfect.....but I can be perfectly me....and to those who love me that should be enough.
  So that being said ...here are a few things about me......


   In being me...I will never believe in a fear based organization. Going to Wal-Mart, a bank  or a gas station will always stress me out. I will never be in style. I will never fit in to social grown up norms. Air port security will always seem like a joke to me and stress me out. I will continue to work towards my dreams and educate myself. I will always take care of kids and make sure that they are loved, and that they are learning to eat well, learning to help others and learning about the magic of who they are. I will allow my children to dream and believe in a world full of hope and promise.
  I will always believe in :
~  Fairies, dragons, mermaids and other mythical creatures, Magic, Running barefoot in the grass, Imagination, Peace, Hope, Smiles and Laughter, Spending time watching the clouds, Yoga and Meditation, Dancing, in the beauty of imperfection, Fairy tales, Dancing in the rain, splashing in mud puddles, Road trips and Bill boards can change your life =), Adventure, Self  healing, Drumming, Moon magic, Dancing around camp fires,the power of wishing on stars, that there is good in everyone,that the beach is one of the most magical places on earth, travel, in not giving up on people, second chances, education, play grounds, making flower necklaces and crowns,  getting dirty, dirty hippie feet, Frisbee, outdoors, festivals, Mud pies and mud wars, growing things, wonder and awe, riding bikes, movie nights, hula hooping, swimming, trying lots of new things, being excited, spending lots of time with loved ones...friends ....free spirited people and children, music, spending time alone, writing, hugging trees, loving animals, in not eating animals,poetry, trusting yourself, helping others every chance you get, playing, exercise, breathing, forgiving myself and others, sunsets, letting go, trusting, one person making a difference, hugs, angels, my guides, trying new things, tarot cards, amusement parks, dressing up like pirates...fairies..harry potter character ect and just playing, love can conquer all, being true to yourself,  the Universe, those that love me, my kids, scared sounds,water falls, crystals, reading, chanting, living many life times, hand written letters,romance, candle light, watching birds, dragonflies and other insects, protecting our environment, Mother Earth, willow trees, honoring the rhythm of the seasons, taking lots of pictures, moon magic, gypsy life style,jingly coin belts, the sun, sun dresses, fire spinning, hippy skirts, healthy eating, wisdom of the Jedi, Yoda, taking in strays, cartoons, tropical breezes and drinks, water, good health, a home being full of laughter and people....not things, love, BFFs, holding hands, great sex, heroes, faith, power of Reiki and other energy healing, the magic of a kiss, fun, live theater, every person and encounter teaches us something, singing, life, joy, wisdom, sleep, herbal remedies, ....the list goes on and on  and will continue to grow every day...
 Namaste...

Fairies

Fairies 

In the quiet silver starlight

Under the careful watch of the moon

Magic is abound across every forest and meadow

Tiny dancers out to play…making mischief come what may

Spreading their wings they fly

Grateful to be not bound of human things

Twinkling in the dark night sky

Tiny little rays sun

Bringing goodness by having fun

Charging the energy of the night time air

Together they play with out a care

Do fairies exist??

 I have to say…

We could not have the glory of the day

Nor hear the laughter of the trees

Nor feel the power of the flowing streams

No happiness could be found…without our fairy friends around

Life Moment

This is also an older blog post from myspace ....when I read it today it really hit home because I had a few moments last week where all I could do was just breathe. The biggest difference between then and now was how long it took me to feel better...It didn't take hours and hours...it took minutes.....I have the tools of reiki, meditation and yoga now....  and it didn't take long to come out of this place. I have so much love surrounding me everyday that I can't allow myself to not see it......sooo that being said here is the old post

Holy Crap!!

Have you ever had a day when the reality of everything punched you in the stomach..Out of no where you find yourself "emotionally" laying on the floor willing yourself to breathe....just take a breath............................breathe....

You want to close your eyes and hide from all the unknowns all the things that just seem so bleak...but you know you have to be strong.  You have to smile and be the one who makes everything ok, the one who makes it all work. You know that YOU out of everyone must be the one to maintain a positive outlook, because so many people are relying on you to be there, to be strong and to not fall apart....

SO you pull yourself up....paint the smile on your face....you hide your anxiety and fear...and move on to the next step...

Praying that you will be able to keep it up...praying that everything will be okay and this is as bad as it will get...praying that nothing else will knock you back down....praying for strength and wisdom if it does

So you find yourself breathing, praying, hoping and taking small baby steps....getting stronger with each one.

You begin to start focusing on the positives of your family and friends... Being blessed to have loved ones to talk to..who always have your best interest at heart......being blessed to have someone you can share with and "fall apart" around...even in a temporary moment.....

Focusing on the positives gives you the faith that while you may not understand why all this is happening...there is a reason and in the end it will make you a better.... stronger person
Having that faith and love makes it all easier to do...One step and one day at a time. .

Feeling better and breathing again...because I have so many blessing and so much love in  my life...how can I lose faith when I am  blessed so much........   DEEP BREATH ...* smiles*

Sunset Memory

I was able to go outside and spend some time with the kids...I spent some time with John swinging on the tree swing...he loves looking up at the sky and swinging..he loved the fact that the leaves were all changing.

We did that and then I was able to just watch them play. It was cool out and the sun was beginning to set..there was a magic to the sunset today....and in the magic of that sunset... when the suns brilliance was shining and dancing across the blades of grass...reflecting on the skin and hair of my children..casting shadows that followed and chased them around the yard while they laughed and played. In the magnificence of that moment... time seemed to stand still...and all the worries..all the fears..all the unknowns seemed to disappear.  In that brief moment it was almost as if I granted the gift of seeing through a veil of all the things that hold me back and caught a glimpse into the joy of what what is...the simple joys you can't put a price on. The magic of today's sunset is one I shall never forget....it will forever be engraved in my heart and spirit...because at that moment "my heart took a picture." 

~This is an old post...my kids are all about 5 years older.......but one of my favorite memories. Posted it before Blogger had its glitch and it was erased....so re posting

How do you say goodbye

The title says it all....how do you say goodbye to something that has been everything to you.That was Saturday for me...the closing of the 200 hour official training.....the moment of coming into circle for the last time....the beautiful ritual of closing the circle....and all the good byes that I did quickly while smiling .....all so I could run out to my car and get in it and drive away before anyone saw me break down and cry. Some may look at this and think I am silly because it was just a yoga training.....something to bridge the gap from where you are to where you want to be. It may have started out that way.....it was something that I posted on my wall over a year ago....I wanted this training through Yogaworks....so you can imagine how thrilled I was when it happened. I knew I would learn a lot, and that my yoga practice would deepen...
However, what I didn't expect what just how much it would deepen and how much this training, my teachers, and the beautiful ladies in our "tribe" would become my strength and help me find my way back out of an ever growing dark space I had found myself in. This amazing group taught me to rediscover my backbone and my voice. In all of the laughter, tears,god damn-its,  and yes even the fighting there were more life lessons and gifts than I can name. There were days in between weekends that were grueling for me, and I found strength  in knowing that if I really couldn't deal with it.....if it really got to hard...there would soon be a circle of support for me to let it go. This gave me the power to just breath. I never really needed to vent much because once I found myself back in that energy I immediately felt stronger...immediately knew that at least for the next three days everything was okay.
The biggest lesson I took away from this had nothing to do with how much better my asana practice was. The biggest lesson was learning how to hold a pose that hurt....or was uncomfortable....or that I just flat didn't want to be in at that moment....and not only hold it but to stop reacting to the perceived pain and discomfort. To use the peace and power within to get through and know that the benefits were there and the strength was there.....I just had to "get out of my own way"and let it happen.
Other lessons were with the letting go and just having fun with poses....or what I took away.....letting go and just having fun in life.
It taught me that while I felt totally out of my element and felt like I had really made a huge error of judgment in how ready I was for this training ....that I could stand on my own feet and just do it. It taught me to practice harder and let go of what was not available to me right now....knowing that with time and practice it would be.
The philosophy gave me a lot to think about and honestly bridged a gap in some of my other areas of training. It really helped with learning to not react....and is giving me the ability to not beat myself up when I do. I am learning to be kinder to myself. I learned that in order to really live again ....I am going to have to stop squashing all my emotions and the things that have caused trauma or sadness or whatever.....and start dealing with them. Now that  I know that I need to ....I am waiting for the person who will come (and I am sure that will be soon...because I am finally ready) to show me just how to do that. All the physical discomforts stem from not dealing and I have to say .....it really pissed me off when I realized how much I was hurting myself.

I learned that even if the middle of all the shit in my life right now.....I have so much joy......because the gift this training gave me was the ability to once again find joy with my family tribe.....to start reaching out to friends again....to stop trying to do it all my own.

There is much more I could say.....and probably will in time......but for now.....I just want to end by saying I know we didn't say good bye. However, closing that door on the past 6 months left me scared and out of my element for a little while. I cried the whole way home....but I also know that the friendships....the lessons and the gifts that we all found and received by growing and learning together will always be available. I think as a "tribe" we were all beyond blessed with the gift of our teachers....Jeanmarie and Janet. They were not two people who just showed up because they had to.....they teach with love and it radiates from them and found its way to each of us....giving us what we needed and bringing light to the things we most needed to leave the dark. I love everyone in our tribe and look forward to growing together in a new way....the hard part of our training is beginning.....Love....light and hugs..

Namaste.....

Mystical Forest

Mystical and powerful
She feels the moon calling her forward
The earth is pounding under her feet
Beckoning for her to return
The night is rhythmically whispering
You are of ancient blood
The time for your return is near
The forest in rustling in sweet anticipation
For they know she is returning
The earth is ready to meet her dancing feet
The night is aching to hear the long forgotten Goddess chants
The forest ready to feel her true spirit reunite with them once more
The fire is burning and she is no longer blind
No longer trying to hide
No longer afraid
Few can hear what she does
Few can feel the beat of the earths drum
Sisters she is calling
Rise and come with me
We must move back into our power
We must fulfill our destiny
The earth to long has been without
And to us we hear her cry
It is time .....our truth we can no longer deny
In the forest our fire will burn
Our voices will chant
Our feet will dance
Our hands will hold the elemental powers
Our actions will heal
We must leave  false perceptions  behind
We must remember who we are and from where we came
Our power is not something we can continue to minimize nor disavow
The time is coming
The earth is calling
Do you hear it sisters....

Magical Winds

Magical winds blow across the sea
Speaking in words….no mortals were meant to hear
Holding many secrets of times long ago….
Laughing with the ocean they play their music well
Hypnotic and mystical for all who are open
Ready to hear the words…ready to dance the song
Those who are ready know the wonders the elements posses
Water…Earth…Fire…Air ..
Can you hear them whisper …
Guiding and teaching as they go….
Open to the words they whisper
Dancing as you go
The magic winds blow far and free
Across the vast and mighty sea…..
In the twilight of the night
Under the soft dim glow of the stars above
All the wonder of the winds take flight
Dreaming things that seem far out of reach
Allowing us to see the things that are just beyond our realm
Magical winds blow across the sea….
Hoping for one …just one to believe…
Walk the path of those before
Believe in the wonders of so much more
Things beyond reason….wishes and hopes
Magical winds…do you see them as they blow…
Asking if you believe…..
Magical winds take my dreams and make them real…
Carry my hopes and set them free
Nurture them…. so they never stifle with me
Magical winds embrace my soul as they glide across me….
Watching me as I dance…..taking me on journey
A dream beyond compare….
Magical winds have blessed me in ways most will never understand
Bringing harmony with its dance….allowing me to sail upon it
Across the vast and mighty sea…for you see
I believe……..
~Anita~

In the mist of the water

In the mist of the water
Holding on tight
So much pain and turmoil
She is going to win this fight
Taking time to sooth the fire
Yet never put it out
It is in these soothing moments
She remembers just what she is about
It hard while in the battle to think
It is hard to keep the head clear
Easy to wander and fumble
Tired yet knowing victory is near
In the mist of the water
All pain is being erased
All the voices that say quit trying
All the voices who say don't believe
Those voices are quietly dying
Under the calm the water brings
In the mist of the water
The rage of the fire is cooling

Bringing  nourishing steam
Cleansing and renewing
All toxic moments are released 
In the mist of the water
Everyone thinks she is giving up
They leave her all alone

Thinking she is lost
In the mist of the water
Her heart and determination are growing
If only they knew that by leaving
They are allowing her to gain speed
In the mist of the water she is preparing
Resting for that which she knows lies ahead
For she knows the battle will be there waiting
She knows it will be hard to win
In the mist of the water all doubt is washed away
She will be victorious....there is no other way

In this mist of magic water 

She is becoming
She is being....

She is

Bucket List =)

       I found that of the things in life that I regret the most it is rarely about the things I did …instead it is about the things I didn’t do……..the things left unsaid….nothing is worse than wondering what if…… I wish that I had not left so many things unsaid and undone in my life. I often find my self wondering why I lacked courage to just put it out there. Most of the time it was fear...fear of rejection…fear of being told no…fear of being judged…fear of the unknown

Could my life be better and more rounded if I had just let go and trusted myself and my instincts.. Life is just to short to hold back all the time…..

We are all handed opportunities to try and do things that test and challenge who we are and lead us to our true selves. It is just a matter of stepping up when you get the chance and trusting in yourself and the universe to guide and direct you….following the ebb and  flow of life

So that being said I am starting a list of things the I really want to do and then  I am going to get out there and do it…..Life is to short to not enjoy and really be lived. You are not guaranteed anything ……tomorrow is hope not a promise and there is no reason to let it pass and slip by while living  a mediocre life…. we are all going to have to fears .... up and downs…we will all make mistakes…but I never want to sit and wonder why I didn’t try…why I didn’t take a chance

So I am starting my list…not because I am afraid of dying ….but because I do not want to walk through life and never live………

SO for the short list….because I know it will grow and grow

~Learn to dance several styles

~SCUBA……in a beautiful place

~Spend a weekend*maybe a week* at a wonderful beach and just relax…..

~Visit Ireland and Italy…

~ Skydive….*GULP*

~Finish school

~Make sure that I help my kids achieve at least one dream adventure

~Get my personal trainer certification

~ Get my yoga teaching cert.

Life lesson from Virabhadrasana 1 and the word floppy...

I have been blessed over the past few years with some really strong teachers who have taught me a lot about myself just through letting me in on an observation or just making me see things as they are.
  Samara taught me while trying to get me to move my feet during belly dancing class that I have commitment issues. It is a moment that I will never forget. She was standing beside me telling to move... she said "just quit thinking and commit to moving your feet". It didn't happen that day and she said "Anita you have some serious commitment issues" To which I replied.."No I don't I have 4 kids." LOL....sometimes the things that ring most true are the ones we immediately deny. She was of course right....and I took that lesson and learned that  I do indeed have a issue with commitment and now that I see it... it is something that I am working on and getting better at all the time.
My Reiki teacher Lee.... has been the biggest blessing in my life. She never sugar coats but always speaks from love. I have learned so much from her and she continues to teach and my bless my life.  She taught me about Ego.....and the first time she talked about keeping our egos in check was during a Reiki I training....I was thinking...ohh...thats easy...I don't have an ego...*bwhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha*...... I do have ego....lots of it. Knowing this helps me to keep it in check....I even gave ego a shape....it looks like the Hopi Kokopelli Indian figure...and when I am meditating or doing reiki....I always put him in a cage...and say just for now I need to be without you.

Sooo all of that brings me to my latest life lesson. I am taking 200 hour yoga teacher training course..I have attended 2 weekends of it now and it has been one of the most amazing experiences.....albeit painful and very humbling.
Before I go on I need to break the "voices" ~no not the crazy kind~  down so it has a chance of making sense. These are how I break down my thoughts ...and how I sort through things...so don't laugh at me too much =)

Ego~~Hopi Kokopelli  Indian figure
Inner Retard~~ if you have seen Titus...you know what I am talking about...if not ...its that part of you that always thinks you are going to screw up or do something stupid. That being said...lets move on....

On the last day of training this past weekend  we are working on Vira I/warrior 1, and I have been working very hard on it in hopes of finally getting something right. Our teacher Jeanmarie has all of us get in front of the class and go through the things we have learned so far. My turn gets here and I am doing okay until we get Vira I/Warrior 1.... I go up into what I think is a very strong pose and so I understood all the feed back I was getting until she tells me to straighten my back leg.  
Ego.. What ...my back leg is straight....
I keep trying  to straighten it but I just have no idea what it is she wants me to do. I already feel like I have hyper extended my knee...Jeanmarie...makes some adjustments and while she is doing so  she makes the statement..."you are a floppy girl"...WTH?!?.....floppy...she goes on to say " that she was too when she started...just means I have more flexibility than strength." Again what????? she makes some more adjustments and my leg is killing me.. but  finally...I am in what she says is a better warrior 1. She takes some before and after pictures...lets me to finish the sequence and I finally get to get off the mat and go sit down.
I am trying to watch the other students and get my mind off the word floppy.....but it continues to run circles in my mind....Floppy??!!?? For the first little bit all I could do was associate the word floppy with fat....Reactive YES....but given my past issues with weight ...a very expected ...conditioined first reaction. I resist looking at the pictures....wanting to be alone when I did in case I was unhappy with what I saw...
Later in the day we start doing sutras and I calm down and realize that I am reacting and I just need to let it go for know.....yaaaay yoga and the power of calm.

Now fast forward to Monday....the word floppy keeps popping up in my head and so I decide to really look at the pictures....I pull them up on my phone and what do I see very clearly in the before photo???? Floppy.... ugggg...and not floppy in the sense of fat...it looks like a lazy pose....like someone who just took the shape of the pose with no real effort put into it....WTH....ooooo... and yes she was right ...in spite of all my inner bitching my back leg was indeed bent. So here is how I finally processed it...
Ego...welll its okay ...you have never really had anyone teach you how to do it....
Inner Retard...noooo thats not true....you just don't like to do things that hurt because you are not strong.....
Ego....That's not true...that would be living in fear and I have a whole life based on love and not living in fear...
Inner Retard....**laughing  hysterically**....look at all the issues in your life....
Ego....I have more strength than you could imagine....and firey passion for life that you will never understand....I just don't like to show it much because I am afraid of the damage it will cause....
Inner Retard.....*smug*
Ego...*defeated*...back in cage   
Me...G*d Dammit.....here I am trying to half ass hold a pose without using  any of my inner strength to help me through it. Am I hurting anything short term....probably not...but I am making things waaay harder than they have to be. Am I hurting anything long term....you betcha...
Now apply that to my life.....do I have lots of issues that I am merely getting through....doing only what needs to be done on the surface so that I give the appearance of trying ....*deep sigh* yes...I am...I am living a floppy life....so there is my life lesson....and once you know something....you can't pretend you didn't see it or that you don't know it.
Sooo...it is time to learn how to stop being afraid of the inner strength...time to embrace my passion and find the wisdom to deal with things....Time to draw on all my strength and straighten that back leg into a powerful Vira 1/warrior 1. Thanks for the life lesson Jeanmarie =)

Learning to forgive ...learning to fly

There are moments in time that are so hard...so traumatic that they strip you bare

Moments that seem rob the light and essence of your spirit and soul

Moments that haunt you in the dead of night..and leave you wishing for reprieve

It’s in these moments …these awful times that we seem to really define who we are

We are not the event... nor are we defined by it

However,our true character comes through by how we handle them

It not the immediate reaction for those are so heart rending that there is no room for anything but grief and anger

It's what we do with the time after…how we heal…

How we forgive…how we let go…how we reach out to others

There is no set time on how long we stay in that anger and grief...no set time on how long it takes to heal…for these moments also offer up lessons that must be learned

These lessons can often seem harder than the event itself…because you are already so vulnerable and raw

It requires a great deal of faith to believe that some how...some way...you will find a new sense of normal

It’s hard sometimes to walk so blindly on faith in the dark…

The one thing we must remember is that no matter how dark things seem the light never leaves us…

The light is something that we must keep seeking out despite the hurt….

We must learn to walk our path to find our truth and light... even when all we want to do is stop and hide…

We must learn the lesson of forgiveness 

Forgive

It seems to be such a simple concept...and very necessary for growth  

However,  it always seems to be the hardest part….

We must of course find a way of letting go and find a place of  forgiveness for the event or people who have hurt us.....but that is not the hardest part..

The hardest part always seems to be forgiveness for yourself…

But it is the first and biggest step to reaching the light

It allows us to begin to understand that we are never alone 

That sometimes the things that we don’t understand are just moments of growth

Closing doors on our old perceptions...our old beliefs....and throwing us out of our comfort zone is the only way most us will reach for a new door...or even look out the window

Our  greatest opportunities...and greatest moments of growth always seem to stem from our greatest sorrows and loses... ~Anita Delashmit ** a "pep talk" to myself....I almost always have to write it out to get it..lol*

  ~I have a very blessed life....I am surrounded by wonderful family and friends who love and support me even when I don't deserve it. In spite of all the pixie magic....my life has had many moments that I was not sure I could get through. Each and every one of those moments changed me.....and helped me become a better person. They helped me reach beyond my self made limits and grow. Those moments made me appreciate the things that I had taken for grated. They taught me to sit and learn to breathe...they helped me develop  a deep love of being out in nature. ~* Maybe that is why I have always loved the stars, and why they bring me so much peace. It is when I am outside sitting under the stars and moon that I am reminded that I am always surrounded by light...even when it is dark and even if the stars seem small or far away.*~ There was one moment in my life that was changed everything....it was by far one of the hardest moments to pull myself out of the dark from....but I have been doing it. Little by little...bit by bit..year by year....  I am finally learning that the light has always been within. That all I ever needed to do was let go of the fear and pain. I am understanding and accepting that yes this is a hard time of the year for me.....and yes...its worse this year because I am still learning to live without my dad in physical form. However, I would not be who I am today without it. I learned to forgive the person and event a long time ago, and for years I thought that was enough. Now I am forgiving me....letting go of the trauma of the moment and learning to fly in a new way. I am even finding ways to live in gratitude for it.... it was one of my greatest lessons. Something that even years later I am learning from....it was a single moment that put me on a path that has lead me to so much joy and happiness.....I am blessed...I am ready to fly in light and joy.

Goddess

You are goddess
You have always been
Power and grace until times end
Draw upon your blessings
Call upon your unseen friends
Do not wait and suffer
Its time for that to end
You are stronger and wiser than you have been lead to believe
In you lies a power untouched and unredeemed
You are not bound by material things
You are goddess wrapped in love
Help and guidance follow you always from above
Do not accept limits or blame
You are goddess
Find your path
Learn and grow
The ancient arts you already know
Time to put in practice the gifts you were meant to bring
Time to let go of the ties of all the worldly things
Look in your heart...
We are there
Going ever impatient for a chance to be seen
Find your place on forest floor
Dance and call upon it powers once more
Move to the beat of the earth you will feel
Finally remember what is real
You are goddess nothing less
Feel this in your every breath
Breath it in as you walk through your day
Feel it as it awakens and moves in your veins

Stand in the moon light and soak up its magic

Dance around the fire 

Look into the flames

Feel the old burning away

Remember your dreams 

You are goddess......

Soon it will be time
You must wake up and take your place
                                        ~Anita Delashmit