I have been blessed over the past few years with some really strong teachers who have taught me a lot about myself just through letting me in on an observation or just making me see things as they are.
Samara taught me while trying to get me to move my feet during belly dancing class that I have commitment issues. It is a moment that I will never forget. She was standing beside me telling to move... she said "just quit thinking and commit to moving your feet". It didn't happen that day and she said "Anita you have some serious commitment issues" To which I replied.."No I don't I have 4 kids." LOL....sometimes the things that ring most true are the ones we immediately deny. She was of course right....and I took that lesson and learned that I do indeed have a issue with commitment and now that I see it... it is something that I am working on and getting better at all the time.
My Reiki teacher Lee.... has been the biggest blessing in my life. She never sugar coats but always speaks from love. I have learned so much from her and she continues to teach and my bless my life. She taught me about Ego.....and the first time she talked about keeping our egos in check was during a Reiki I training....I was thinking...ohh...thats easy...I don't have an ego...*bwhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha*...... I do have ego....lots of it. Knowing this helps me to keep it in check....I even gave ego a shape....it looks like the Hopi Kokopelli Indian figure...and when I am meditating or doing reiki....I always put him in a cage...and say just for now I need to be without you.
Sooo all of that brings me to my latest life lesson. I am taking 200 hour yoga teacher training course..I have attended 2 weekends of it now and it has been one of the most amazing experiences.....albeit painful and very humbling.
Before I go on I need to break the "voices" ~no not the crazy kind~ down so it has a chance of making sense. These are how I break down my thoughts ...and how I sort through things...so don't laugh at me too much =)
Inner Retard~~ if you have seen Titus...you know what I am talking about...if not ...its that part of you that always thinks you are going to screw up or do something stupid. That being said...lets move on....
On the last day of training this past weekend we are working on Vira I/warrior 1, and I have been working very hard on it in hopes of finally getting something right. Our teacher Jeanmarie has all of us get in front of the class and go through the things we have learned so far. My turn gets here and I am doing okay until we get Vira I/Warrior 1.... I go up into what I think is a very strong pose and so I understood all the feed back I was getting until she tells me to straighten my back leg.
Ego.. What ...my back leg is straight....
I keep trying to straighten it but I just have no idea what it is she wants me to do. I already feel like I have hyper extended my knee...Jeanmarie...makes some adjustments and while she is doing so she makes the statement..."you are a floppy girl"...WTH?!?.....floppy...she goes on to say " that she was too when she started...just means I have more flexibility than strength." Again what????? she makes some more adjustments and my leg is killing me.. but finally...I am in what she says is a better warrior 1. She takes some before and after pictures...lets me to finish the sequence and I finally get to get off the mat and go sit down.
I am trying to watch the other students and get my mind off the word floppy.....but it continues to run circles in my mind....Floppy??!!?? For the first little bit all I could do was associate the word floppy with fat....Reactive YES....but given my past issues with weight ...a very expected ...conditioined first reaction. I resist looking at the pictures....wanting to be alone when I did in case I was unhappy with what I saw...
Later in the day we start doing sutras and I calm down and realize that I am reacting and I just need to let it go for know.....yaaaay yoga and the power of calm.
Now fast forward to Monday....the word floppy keeps popping up in my head and so I decide to really look at the pictures....I pull them up on my phone and what do I see very clearly in the before photo???? Floppy.... ugggg...and not floppy in the sense of fat...it looks like a lazy pose....like someone who just took the shape of the pose with no real effort put into it....WTH....ooooo... and yes she was right ...in spite of all my inner bitching my back leg was indeed bent. So here is how I finally processed it...
Ego...welll its okay ...you have never really had anyone teach you how to do it....
Inner Retard...noooo thats not true....you just don't like to do things that hurt because you are not strong.....
Ego....That's not true...that would be living in fear and I have a whole life based on love and not living in fear...
Inner Retard....**laughing hysterically**....look at all the issues in your life....
Ego....I have more strength than you could imagine....and firey passion for life that you will never understand....I just don't like to show it much because I am afraid of the damage it will cause....
Inner Retard.....*smug*
Ego...*defeated*...back in cage
Me...G*d Dammit.....here I am trying to half ass hold a pose without using any of my inner strength to help me through it. Am I hurting anything short term....probably not...but I am making things waaay harder than they have to be. Am I hurting anything long term....you betcha...
Now apply that to my life.....do I have lots of issues that I am merely getting through....doing only what needs to be done on the surface so that I give the appearance of trying ....*deep sigh* yes...I am...I am living a floppy life....so there is my life lesson....and once you know something....you can't pretend you didn't see it or that you don't know it.
Sooo...it is time to learn how to stop being afraid of the inner strength...time to embrace my passion and find the wisdom to deal with things....Time to draw on all my strength and straighten that back leg into a powerful Vira 1/warrior 1. Thanks for the life lesson Jeanmarie =)
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