My Dearest Child,
It has come to my attention that you no longer see yourself as a child. That I have overlooked the fact that you are growing up and becoming a young adult. I do apologize for the over site. I would love to keep you as my little baby forever. However, as you so lovingly pointed out.....that is no longer my reality.
I am proud that you are ready to take on adulthood and all the it requires.
Now here is where I am going to let you in on a little secret. You are not just a mortal child growing into adulthood; you are a great and mighty upcoming warrior. I am starting your training with the very basic household warrior training. You are right, I should have started this years ago. You should move through the quests I am giving with great ease so that you are ready for your outdoor warrior training within a few months.
Your journey and very first quest begins here. I am so proud of you....best wishes.
Your first quest......You will enter the bathroom and wield the mighty sword of truth. (you will know what it is when you finish reading ;) ) You will walk towards the Sacred Basin of Porcelain and look within its magic waters. You must then find the magic blue potion, that allows one to remove all that holds them back from seeing their truth.
You will pour some of this potion into the water and raise your sword of truth up high, and to the Gods of Porcelain you will say:
"As above, so below
With this sword and potion
Let my truth be known."
You will then plunge the mighty sword of truth into Basin of Porcelain and begin to scrub. When you feel as though you have washed away all that will keep you from seeing your truth, your will flush all the toxic energy away. (You may have to repeat this step as you are learning)
When you are done you will look deep into the waters and know a few things.
# 1 That it is clean enough to see yourself....and maybe with time see your truth (whatever that may be)
#2 That you cleaned the great Basin of Porcelain
# 3 You have competed your quest
You will return the mighty sword of truth to its resting place (make sure to thank it for all its work)
You will repeat this quest at least every other day until you move out.
P.S.
I know you well enough to know that you just rolled your eyes and are super unimpressed. Maybe you don't yet believe in the everyday magic. However, you must believe in it before you can embark on the more powerful magic that fills your books and video games.
You may also be saying that I just told you how to clean a toilet. I have to say I super disappointed that you have such a muggle attitude. That will change with each quest ( I promise) I also promise to never give up on you if this proves to be a challenge.
Here is what you need to know about the Gods of Porcelain. One day many years from now, at the age of 21. You will be invited into a magic world full of magic elixirs, drinks and potions. You may choose to drink these and party and dance with your friends. They will cause much merriment and laughter, so much so, that you will at some point forget your limits and over do it.
It is this moment that you will be praying to the Porcelain Gods. As you are praying to them with all passion of a Wookie, you will know that your prayers are being heard. Why? Because you my child have honored them on a regular basis. You have sought their wisdom and truth. In that moment of complete vulnerability while you are holding on to that basin and looking into the sacred water, you will know they have your back.
P.S.
This quest must be done on a regular basis for one month before curfew can be extended. Safe journey into the realm of truth. More quests will follow soon.
All my love,
Mom
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Friday, October 25, 2013
Bradley
There are so many things that I have wanted to write about or say over the last few months. However, grief always leaves me at a loss for words. The feeling of emptiness that encompasses me after losing someone I love is to powerful for my vocabulary. I know that I have been fighting this grief. Fighting this reality of saying goodbye.
Losing Bradley was very surreal and gut wrenching at the same time. He was like a brother to me, so young, full of promise and adventure. He just always seemed indestructible, like there was no battle to big for him to take on. Even while in the hospital and knowing how grim his battle was....all I could think was, " It's Bradley, we are all going to laugh about how stressed we were months from now." My mind knew that I was wrong. However, my heart would not let go of hope.
I am grateful that I was able to be there while he was in the hospital. Grateful I was able to meet his family. You really could see where he got his strength, ability to love, serve and laugh from. I was also grateful that in the days that followed I was surround by friends and all those who loved him.
When everyone went home and life continued ......I pushed it back. I didn't let myself grieve, refused to allow that feeling of loss to flood me again. Life happens however, and we all have to face our shadows at some point.
I had to face mine at FOS this year. For me his absence was huge. I kept expecting to see him come up vendors row, with that big smile and give me a hug. I kept expecting to see his beautiful daughter among all of the kids that were running around and playing. It was at the fire that the reality really hit home. It was when I realized that no one was drumming, and it literally took my breath. I had to find a way to make peace with the reality that I was not going to see him again in this life. I had to make peace with the reality that I had taken our friendship for granted. I always thought there would be more time to hang out with him and my friends together. Always thought there would be more time to get to know his wife and family better.....always thought there would be more time.
The reality is....nothing is guaranteed. All we really have is right now, and we have to deal with the consequences of what we choose to do, or in my case, not do. That was one of the hardest lessons I think I have dealt with (and I have learned some powerful lessons).
Ancestor Ritual was hard, never in a million years would I have thought that we would be calling on and honoring Bradley that night. It meant so much that Amy was there and holding my hand through it. I was also grateful for the distraction of the kids that allowed me to walk away before I broke down. I didn't walk the labyrinth Friday night, just couldn't face it alone. After womens mysteries I went back to the cabin, crawled into bed and tried to take a few moments to just breathe. When the lights went out, the tears came, and I cried myself to sleep. The next morning, albeit cold and rainy, had me feeling grateful to be out in nature and surrounded by friends.
I promised myself that I would be more present in all that I do. That I would reach out to my friends and loved ones, and not assume that I would have time to later. Main Ritual that night was so powerful and helped me to really seal my promise to myself, and continue that release. I am not going to say that I feel like I have healed that wound, because I haven't. All any of us can do is continue on day by day, breathe and make sure that we are living life to the fullest.
Bradley, words can not express how deeply you are missed. I am so grateful that of all the places in the world, you ended up in the middle of no where Tennessee. So blessed that we were all able to get to know you and your family. So blessed to have called you my friend and brother. You are a shining example of what it means to serve your community. You brought light to everyone and everything that you touched. You were a healer within our community and we all learned so much from you. I know that you are really not gone, just off on new adventures. I look forward to a time when our paths cross again. Until then know that everyone that knew you carries some of your light, know that you are missed and loved.~Safe Journey my brother...until we meet again.
Losing Bradley was very surreal and gut wrenching at the same time. He was like a brother to me, so young, full of promise and adventure. He just always seemed indestructible, like there was no battle to big for him to take on. Even while in the hospital and knowing how grim his battle was....all I could think was, " It's Bradley, we are all going to laugh about how stressed we were months from now." My mind knew that I was wrong. However, my heart would not let go of hope.
I am grateful that I was able to be there while he was in the hospital. Grateful I was able to meet his family. You really could see where he got his strength, ability to love, serve and laugh from. I was also grateful that in the days that followed I was surround by friends and all those who loved him.
When everyone went home and life continued ......I pushed it back. I didn't let myself grieve, refused to allow that feeling of loss to flood me again. Life happens however, and we all have to face our shadows at some point.
I had to face mine at FOS this year. For me his absence was huge. I kept expecting to see him come up vendors row, with that big smile and give me a hug. I kept expecting to see his beautiful daughter among all of the kids that were running around and playing. It was at the fire that the reality really hit home. It was when I realized that no one was drumming, and it literally took my breath. I had to find a way to make peace with the reality that I was not going to see him again in this life. I had to make peace with the reality that I had taken our friendship for granted. I always thought there would be more time to hang out with him and my friends together. Always thought there would be more time to get to know his wife and family better.....always thought there would be more time.
The reality is....nothing is guaranteed. All we really have is right now, and we have to deal with the consequences of what we choose to do, or in my case, not do. That was one of the hardest lessons I think I have dealt with (and I have learned some powerful lessons).
Ancestor Ritual was hard, never in a million years would I have thought that we would be calling on and honoring Bradley that night. It meant so much that Amy was there and holding my hand through it. I was also grateful for the distraction of the kids that allowed me to walk away before I broke down. I didn't walk the labyrinth Friday night, just couldn't face it alone. After womens mysteries I went back to the cabin, crawled into bed and tried to take a few moments to just breathe. When the lights went out, the tears came, and I cried myself to sleep. The next morning, albeit cold and rainy, had me feeling grateful to be out in nature and surrounded by friends.
I promised myself that I would be more present in all that I do. That I would reach out to my friends and loved ones, and not assume that I would have time to later. Main Ritual that night was so powerful and helped me to really seal my promise to myself, and continue that release. I am not going to say that I feel like I have healed that wound, because I haven't. All any of us can do is continue on day by day, breathe and make sure that we are living life to the fullest.
Bradley, words can not express how deeply you are missed. I am so grateful that of all the places in the world, you ended up in the middle of no where Tennessee. So blessed that we were all able to get to know you and your family. So blessed to have called you my friend and brother. You are a shining example of what it means to serve your community. You brought light to everyone and everything that you touched. You were a healer within our community and we all learned so much from you. I know that you are really not gone, just off on new adventures. I look forward to a time when our paths cross again. Until then know that everyone that knew you carries some of your light, know that you are missed and loved.~Safe Journey my brother...until we meet again.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Wind and Drum Magic
The last few weeks have been hard. I have been through the emotional ringer and I know that I have not been at my best for my family. I have written a blog about losing a dear friend, but it is to soon and way to raw to share yet.
Yesterday my youngest son was having a horrible day. I knew that it was partly my fault because of my own mood, but just couldn't seem to make it better. His mood went from bad to worse and I was at a loss on knowing what he needed. I actually found myself wishing he would just get caught up in his video games and let me breathe. However, even that was not soothing for him. I was at my wits end and I looked over at him and noticed he was pale and he just looked tired and small. I walked outside to think and noticed a storm was moving in. The wind was blowing and I was suddenly hit with an idea. I ran in and grab the bongo set and told John to come outside with me. I told him that I noticed he was having a rough day and we were going to do some wind/drum magic. I told him to drum all of his frustration into the bongos. I said he could drum however he wanted, there was no right or wrong way to do it...to just find his rhythm and play. I told him that the drums would take his frustration and the wind would carry it away. He looked at me with tons of skepticism, but he began to play. At first he was loud and all over the place, but as he played his pace calmed and so did he. When he had finished, I gave him a moment to just be. I then told him to imagine all the things he wants in life, and the things he wants to happen. I asked him to picture his life the way he wanted it to be and hold that image while he was drumming. I told him the drums would send his dreams to the heavens so that they would manifest. He began to drum, and you could see that he was putting every fiber of his being into it. He played for a while and stopped, and looked at me for more direction. I then recognized that at the core of everything he was feeling very sad. An emotion that has been with him since losing his grandfather. I told him to release all his sadness into the drums. To let the wind carry it and the rain wash it away. John began to drum, as he drummed he seemed to grow. It was as if you could see layers of sorrow being pulled from him. When he stopped he had a soft look on his face and he said something that I will never forget. He said "Mom, I just realized that there really is magic. It is real...just not in the way I expected." For a moment I was at a loss for words. Part of me wishes I had taken a picture to forever capture the look of peace on his face. However, the moment was to powerful to break by picking up the phone. So instead the picture of that moment will have to stay in my heart.
Yes, magic does exists and not always in the way we expect. For it exists in all things, from the smallest brook to the vast ocean. It exists in the wind, the rain, the moon, the stars. It exists in nature, the laughter of friends, the stories we tell, the things we believe. It exists in our children and their laughter and teachings.
Magic can exist in the beat of a drum.
My hope for my kids is that no matter what is thrown their way, they always feel the power of their own magic. I hope that they live in magic, that they always sparkle and shine owning and feeling it. I hope that they never lose the magic of love and wonder.
Thank you John for being my teacher that day.....and for trusting your crazy hippy mom enough to pick up the drums and try ;)
Yesterday my youngest son was having a horrible day. I knew that it was partly my fault because of my own mood, but just couldn't seem to make it better. His mood went from bad to worse and I was at a loss on knowing what he needed. I actually found myself wishing he would just get caught up in his video games and let me breathe. However, even that was not soothing for him. I was at my wits end and I looked over at him and noticed he was pale and he just looked tired and small. I walked outside to think and noticed a storm was moving in. The wind was blowing and I was suddenly hit with an idea. I ran in and grab the bongo set and told John to come outside with me. I told him that I noticed he was having a rough day and we were going to do some wind/drum magic. I told him to drum all of his frustration into the bongos. I said he could drum however he wanted, there was no right or wrong way to do it...to just find his rhythm and play. I told him that the drums would take his frustration and the wind would carry it away. He looked at me with tons of skepticism, but he began to play. At first he was loud and all over the place, but as he played his pace calmed and so did he. When he had finished, I gave him a moment to just be. I then told him to imagine all the things he wants in life, and the things he wants to happen. I asked him to picture his life the way he wanted it to be and hold that image while he was drumming. I told him the drums would send his dreams to the heavens so that they would manifest. He began to drum, and you could see that he was putting every fiber of his being into it. He played for a while and stopped, and looked at me for more direction. I then recognized that at the core of everything he was feeling very sad. An emotion that has been with him since losing his grandfather. I told him to release all his sadness into the drums. To let the wind carry it and the rain wash it away. John began to drum, as he drummed he seemed to grow. It was as if you could see layers of sorrow being pulled from him. When he stopped he had a soft look on his face and he said something that I will never forget. He said "Mom, I just realized that there really is magic. It is real...just not in the way I expected." For a moment I was at a loss for words. Part of me wishes I had taken a picture to forever capture the look of peace on his face. However, the moment was to powerful to break by picking up the phone. So instead the picture of that moment will have to stay in my heart.
Yes, magic does exists and not always in the way we expect. For it exists in all things, from the smallest brook to the vast ocean. It exists in the wind, the rain, the moon, the stars. It exists in nature, the laughter of friends, the stories we tell, the things we believe. It exists in our children and their laughter and teachings.
Magic can exist in the beat of a drum.
My hope for my kids is that no matter what is thrown their way, they always feel the power of their own magic. I hope that they live in magic, that they always sparkle and shine owning and feeling it. I hope that they never lose the magic of love and wonder.
Thank you John for being my teacher that day.....and for trusting your crazy hippy mom enough to pick up the drums and try ;)
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Letting Go
Today I had a lot to get off my chest. The pressure within of knowing that I need to be doing more, and taking steps forward (yet continuing to sit still) has been overwhelming. I decided to add prayer to my daily practice of meditation. Not the praying I did as child, where I prayed to a God that I was terrified of....but rather, prayer in which I was talking with a universal God source, who is full of love and light and connects me with everyone and everything.
Not really knowing what to say ~ I struggled with this concept a little.... Finally just saying "I am scared and I need help." All at once was filled with a sense of peace and a knowledge that the answers and help I seek are always connected to me. I spend some time soaking this in. Then I began talking/praying about where I felt like I was failing and where I needed help. About half way through, I had an overwhelming feeling to just stop "talking" and worrying. Then I "heard" Surrender and just let go. If you let go of all of this, and the things you have not yet spoken, it will all fix itself. Just let go. After that there was no need to talk or think. I sat in my meditation without another word, just a renewed sense of peace.
Now comes the work.....learning to let go and surrender. Taking the practice of surrender, that I practice daily on my yoga mat, and bringing it into my every day life. It will take some time and practice and a whole new attitude of trust. Trust that things are working out just as they should. It will require a daily attitude of faith and gratitude. I am beyond grateful for all that I have...but I need to find a way to take it one step deeper. I want to wake up feeling happy and grateful to start my day. That's my work for the next month....wish me luck =)
Not really knowing what to say ~ I struggled with this concept a little.... Finally just saying "I am scared and I need help." All at once was filled with a sense of peace and a knowledge that the answers and help I seek are always connected to me. I spend some time soaking this in. Then I began talking/praying about where I felt like I was failing and where I needed help. About half way through, I had an overwhelming feeling to just stop "talking" and worrying. Then I "heard" Surrender and just let go. If you let go of all of this, and the things you have not yet spoken, it will all fix itself. Just let go. After that there was no need to talk or think. I sat in my meditation without another word, just a renewed sense of peace.
Now comes the work.....learning to let go and surrender. Taking the practice of surrender, that I practice daily on my yoga mat, and bringing it into my every day life. It will take some time and practice and a whole new attitude of trust. Trust that things are working out just as they should. It will require a daily attitude of faith and gratitude. I am beyond grateful for all that I have...but I need to find a way to take it one step deeper. I want to wake up feeling happy and grateful to start my day. That's my work for the next month....wish me luck =)
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