Bradley

   There are so many things that I have wanted to write about or say over the last few months. However, grief always leaves me at a loss for words. The feeling of emptiness that encompasses me after losing someone I love is to powerful for my vocabulary.  I know that I have been fighting this grief. Fighting this reality of saying goodbye.
   Losing Bradley was very surreal and gut wrenching at the same time. He was like a brother to me, so young, full of promise and adventure. He just always seemed indestructible, like there was no battle to big for him to take on. Even while in the hospital and knowing how grim his battle was....all I could think was, " It's Bradley, we are all going to laugh about how stressed we were months from now." My mind knew that I was wrong. However, my heart would not let go of hope.
   I am grateful that I was able to be there while he was in the hospital. Grateful I was able to meet his family. You really could see where he got his strength, ability to love, serve and laugh from.  I was also grateful that in the days that followed I was surround by friends and all those who loved him.
   When everyone went home and life continued ......I pushed it back. I didn't let myself grieve, refused to allow that feeling of loss to flood me again. Life happens however, and we all have to face our shadows at some point.
   I had to face mine at FOS this year. For me his absence was huge. I kept expecting to see him come up vendors row, with that big smile and give me a hug. I kept expecting to see his beautiful daughter among all of the kids that were running around and playing. It was at the fire that the reality really hit home. It was when I realized that no one was drumming, and it literally took my breath. I had to find a way to make peace with the reality that I was not going to see him again in this life. I had to make peace with the reality that I had taken our friendship for granted.  I always thought there would be more time to hang out with him and my friends together. Always thought there would be more time to get to know his wife and family better.....always thought there would be more time.
   The reality is....nothing is guaranteed. All we really have is right now, and we have to deal with the consequences of what we choose to do, or in my case, not do. That was one of the hardest lessons I think I have dealt with (and I have learned some powerful lessons).
   Ancestor Ritual was hard, never in a million years would I have thought that we would be calling on and honoring Bradley that night. It meant so much that Amy was there and holding my hand through it. I was also grateful for the distraction of the kids that allowed me to walk away before I broke down. I didn't walk the labyrinth  Friday night, just couldn't face it alone. After womens mysteries I went back to the cabin, crawled into bed and tried to take a few moments to just breathe. When the lights went out, the tears came, and I cried myself to sleep. The next morning, albeit cold and rainy, had me feeling grateful to be out in nature and surrounded by friends.
  I promised myself that I would be more present in all that I do. That I would reach out to my friends and loved ones, and not assume that I would have time to later. Main Ritual that night was so powerful and  helped me to really seal my promise to myself, and continue that release. I am not going to say that I feel like I have healed that wound, because I haven't. All any of us can do is continue on day by day, breathe and make sure that we are living life to the fullest.

 Bradley, words can not express how deeply you are missed. I am so grateful that of all the places in the world, you ended up in the middle of no where Tennessee. So blessed that we were all able to get to know you and your family. So blessed to have called you my friend and brother. You are a shining example of what it means to serve your community. You brought light to everyone and everything that you touched. You were a healer within our community and we all learned so much from you.  I know that you are really not gone, just off on new adventures. I look forward to a time when our paths cross again. Until then know that everyone that knew you carries some of your light, know that you are missed and loved.~Safe Journey my brother...until we meet again.