Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Life lesson from Virabhadrasana 1 and the word floppy...


I have been blessed over the past few years with some really strong teachers who have taught me a lot about myself just through letting me in on an observation or just making me see things as they are.
  Samara taught me while trying to get me to move my feet during belly dancing class that I have commitment issues. It is a moment that I will never forget. She was standing beside me telling to move... she said "just quit thinking and commit to moving your feet". It didn't happen that day and she said "Anita you have some serious commitment issues" To which I replied.."No I don't I have 4 kids." LOL....sometimes the things that ring most true are the ones we immediately deny. She was of course right....and I took that lesson and learned that  I do indeed have a issue with commitment and now that I see it... it is something that I am working on and getting better at all the time.
My Reiki teacher Lee.... has been the biggest blessing in my life. She never sugar coats but always speaks from love. I have learned so much from her and she continues to teach and my bless my life.  She taught me about Ego.....and the first time she talked about keeping our egos in check was during a Reiki I training....I was thinking...ohh...thats easy...I don't have an ego...*bwhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha*...... I do have ego....lots of it. Knowing this helps me to keep it in check....I even gave ego a shape....it looks like the Hopi Kokopelli Indian figure...and when I am meditating or doing reiki....I always put him in a cage...and say just for now I need to be without you.

Sooo all of that brings me to my latest life lesson. I am taking 200 hour yoga teacher training course..I have attended 2 weekends of it now and it has been one of the most amazing experiences.....albeit painful and very humbling.
Before I go on I need to break the "voices" ~no not the crazy kind~  down so it has a chance of making sense. These are how I break down my thoughts ...and how I sort through things...so don't laugh at me too much =)
Ego~~Hopi Kokopelli  Indian figure
Inner Retard~~ if you have seen Titus...you know what I am talking about...if not ...its that part of you that always thinks you are going to screw up or do something stupid. That being said...lets move on....

On the last day of training this past weekend  we are working on Vira I/warrior 1, and I have been working very hard on it in hopes of finally getting something right. Our teacher Jeanmarie has all of us get in front of the class and go through the things we have learned so far. My turn gets here and I am doing okay until we get Vira I/Warrior 1.... I go up into what I think is a very strong pose and so I understood all the feed back I was getting until she tells me to straighten my back leg.  
Ego.. What ...my back leg is straight....
I keep trying  to straighten it but I just have no idea what it is she wants me to do. I already feel like I have hyper extended my knee...Jeanmarie...makes some adjustments and while she is doing so  she makes the statement..."you are a floppy girl"...WTH?!?.....floppy...she goes on to say " that she was too when she started...just means I have more flexibility than strength." Again what????? she makes some more adjustments and my leg is killing me.. but  finally...I am in what she says is a better warrior 1. She takes some before and after pictures...lets me to finish the sequence and I finally get to get off the mat and go sit down.
I am trying to watch the other students and get my mind off the word floppy.....but it continues to run circles in my mind....Floppy??!!?? For the first little bit all I could do was associate the word floppy with fat....Reactive YES....but given my past issues with weight ...a very expected ...conditioined first reaction. I resist looking at the pictures....wanting to be alone when I did in case I was unhappy with what I saw...
Later in the day we start doing sutras and I calm down and realize that I am reacting and I just need to let it go for know.....yaaaay yoga and the power of calm.

Now fast forward to Monday....the word floppy keeps popping up in my head and so I decide to really look at the pictures....I pull them up on my phone and what do I see very clearly in the before photo???? Floppy.... ugggg...and not floppy in the sense of fat...it looks like a lazy pose....like someone who just took the shape of the pose with no real effort put into it....WTH....ooooo... and yes she was right ...in spite of all my inner bitching my back leg was indeed bent. So here is how I finally processed it...
Ego...welll its okay ...you have never really had anyone teach you how to do it....
Inner Retard...noooo thats not true....you just don't like to do things that hurt because you are not strong.....
Ego....That's not true...that would be living in fear and I have a whole life based on love and not living in fear...
Inner Retard....**laughing  hysterically**....look at all the issues in your life....
Ego....I have more strength than you could imagine....and firey passion for life that you will never understand....I just don't like to show it much because I am afraid of the damage it will cause....
Inner Retard.....*smug*
Ego...*defeated*...back in cage   
Me...G*d Dammit.....here I am trying to half ass hold a pose without using  any of my inner strength to help me through it. Am I hurting anything short term....probably not...but I am making things waaay harder than they have to be. Am I hurting anything long term....you betcha...
Now apply that to my life.....do I have lots of issues that I am merely getting through....doing only what needs to be done on the surface so that I give the appearance of trying ....*deep sigh* yes...I am...I am living a floppy life....so there is my life lesson....and once you know something....you can't pretend you didn't see it or that you don't know it.
Sooo...it is time to learn how to stop being afraid of the inner strength...time to embrace my passion and find the wisdom to deal with things....Time to draw on all my strength and straighten that back leg into a powerful Vira 1/warrior 1. Thanks for the life lesson Jeanmarie =)

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Learning to forgive ...learning to fly


There are moments in time that are so hard...so traumatic that they strip you bare
Moments that seem rob the light and essence of your spirit and soul
Moments that haunt you in the dead of night..and leave you wishing for reprieve
It’s in these moments …these awful times that we seem to really define who we are
We are not the event... nor are we defined by it
However,our true character comes through by how we handle them
It not the immediate reaction for those are so heart rending that there is no room for anything but grief and anger
It's what we do with the time after…how we heal…
How we forgive…how we let go…how we reach out to others
There is no set time on how long we stay in that anger and grief...no set time on how long it takes to heal…for these moments also offer up lessons that must be learned
These lessons can often seem harder than the event itself…because you are already so vulnerable and raw
It requires a great deal of faith to believe that some how...some way...you will find a new sense of normal
It’s hard sometimes to walk so blindly on faith in the dark…
The one thing we must remember is that no matter how dark things seem the light never leaves us…
The light is something that we must keep seeking out despite the hurt….
We must learn to walk our path to find our truth and light... even when all we want to do is stop and hide…
We must learn the lesson of forgiveness 
Forgive
It seems to be such a simple concept...and very necessary for growth  
However,  it always seems to be the hardest part….
We must of course find a way of letting go and find a place of  forgiveness for the event or people who have hurt us.....but that is not the hardest part..
The hardest part always seems to be forgiveness for yourself…
But it is the first and biggest step to reaching the light
It allows us to begin to understand that we are never alone 
That sometimes the things that we don’t understand are just moments of growth
Closing doors on our old perceptions...our old beliefs....and throwing us out of our comfort zone is the only way most us will reach for a new door...or even look out the window
Our  greatest opportunities...and greatest moments of growth always seem to stem from our greatest sorrows and loses... ~Anita Delashmit ** a "pep talk" to myself....I almost always have to write it out to get it..lol*

  ~I have a very blessed life....I am surrounded by wonderful family and friends who love and support me even when I don't deserve it. In spite of all the pixie magic....my life has had many moments that I was not sure I could get through. Each and every one of those moments changed me.....and helped me become a better person. They helped me reach beyond my self made limits and grow. Those moments made me appreciate the things that I had taken for grated. They taught me to sit and learn to breathe...they helped me develop  a deep love of being out in nature. ~* Maybe that is why I have always loved the stars, and why they bring me so much peace. It is when I am outside sitting under the stars and moon that I am reminded that I am always surrounded by light...even when it is dark and even if the stars seem small or far away.*~ There was one moment in my life that was changed everything....it was by far one of the hardest moments to pull myself out of the dark from....but I have been doing it. Little by little...bit by bit..year by year....  I am finally learning that the light has always been within. That all I ever needed to do was let go of the fear and pain. I am understanding and accepting that yes this is a hard time of the year for me.....and yes...its worse this year because I am still learning to live without my dad in physical form. However, I would not be who I am today without it. I learned to forgive the person and event a long time ago, and for years I thought that was enough. Now I am forgiving me....letting go of the trauma of the moment and learning to fly in a new way. I am even finding ways to live in gratitude for it.... it was one of my greatest lessons. Something that even years later I am learning from....it was a single moment that put me on a path that has lead me to so much joy and happiness.....I am blessed...I am ready to fly in light and joy.