Friday, July 13, 2012

Learning to trust

I wrote this a while back as part of journal entry......it speaks to where I am at now (minus the ice =) )
   As the ice pounds the world outside the walls in which I am confined, I find myself being swallowed in an ocean of worry and doubt.
The clouds of these old friends who just hours ago had no meaning or existence in my life are back and in strong force. This is life I guess....  The ebb and flow that continues to bring change and keeps us ever moving down our path. I know that there is much that I must do. I also know that I have hit a point of no return. There are no redos here,no opps I guess I was wrong, or please give me some more time to figure things out. This is a time of standing up and facing things head on. However, I find myself faltering a bit because of fear. Not just fear of the unknown..that I find rather intriguing. It is the fear of standing in an all to familiar place of trusting someone. Trusting in other person to be who they say they are...to do what they say they are going to do. This is not a fun place for me to be. It is trying to believe that I am good enough for someone to maintain what they say. It is believing that I am not disposable. It is believing that the people who directly influence my life on a daily basis are in my life because they want to be. It is trusting that they are not there just because I am safe, stupid, naive( I have been told that I only see the good in people) ....or just always there. It is trusting that it is okay to be me and see life through rose colored glasses even if it means getting hurt over and over. Despite this paralyzing fear I am still moving forward and at much more rapid pace than I ever thought I could. I am learning a long over due and very valuable lesson of letting go of the illusion of control and working on trust.I am learning to be open to the lessons(they seem less painful when I meet them in a place of acceptance and gratitude. ) Life is opening up in ways that I could never have imagined. So that being said....I also know it is time to start moving out of the fear so that life can continue to open up and guide me where I need to be.
Hope the lesson for that is something that I am ready for ....