Wind and Drum Magic

    The last few weeks have been hard. I have been through the emotional ringer and I know that I have not been at my best for my family. I have written a blog about losing a dear friend, but it is to soon and way to raw to share yet.

    Yesterday my youngest son was having a horrible day. I knew that it was partly my fault because of my own mood, but just couldn't seem to make it better. His mood went from bad to worse and I was at a loss on knowing what he needed. I actually found myself wishing he would just get caught up in his video games and let me breathe. However, even that was not soothing for him. I was at my wits end and I looked over at him and noticed he was pale and he just looked tired and small. I walked outside to think and noticed a storm was moving in. The wind was blowing and I was suddenly hit with an idea. I ran in and grab the bongo set and told John to come outside with me. I told him that I noticed he was having a rough day and we were going to do some wind/drum magic. I told him to drum all of his frustration into the bongos. I said he could drum however he wanted, there was no right or wrong way to do it...to just find his rhythm and play. I told him that the drums would take his frustration and the wind would carry it away. He looked at me with tons of skepticism,  but he began to play. At first he was loud and all over the place, but as he played his pace calmed and so did he. When he had finished, I gave him a moment to just be. I then told him to imagine all the things he wants in life, and the things he wants to happen. I asked him to picture his life the way he wanted it to be and hold that image while he was drumming. I told him the drums would send his dreams to the heavens so that they would manifest. He began to drum, and you could see that he was putting every fiber of his being into it. He played for a while and stopped, and looked at me for more direction. I then recognized that  at the core of everything he was feeling very sad. An emotion that has been with him since losing his grandfather. I told him to release all his sadness into the drums. To let the wind carry it and the rain wash it away. John began to drum, as he drummed he seemed to grow. It was as if you could see layers of sorrow being pulled from him. When he stopped he had a soft look on his face and he said something that I will never forget. He said "Mom, I just realized that there really is magic. It is real...just not in the way I expected." For a moment I was at a loss for words. Part of me wishes I had taken a picture to forever capture the look of peace on his face. However, the moment was to powerful to break by picking up the phone. So instead the picture of that moment will have to stay in my heart.
     Yes, magic does exists and not always in the way we expect. For it exists in all things, from the smallest brook to the vast ocean. It exists in the wind, the rain, the moon, the stars. It exists in nature, the laughter of friends, the stories we tell,  the things we believe. It exists in our children and their laughter and teachings.
Magic can exist in the beat of a drum.
My hope for my kids is that no matter what is thrown their way, they always feel the power of their own magic. I hope that they live in magic, that they always sparkle and shine owning and feeling it. I hope that they never lose the magic of love and wonder.
   Thank you John for being my teacher that day.....and for trusting your crazy hippy mom enough to pick up the drums and try ;)

Letting Go

Today I  had a lot to get off my chest. The pressure within of knowing that I need to be doing more, and taking steps forward (yet continuing to sit still) has been overwhelming. I decided to add prayer to my daily practice of meditation. Not the praying I did as child, where I prayed to a God that I was terrified of....but rather, prayer in which I was talking with a universal God source, who is full of love and light and connects me with everyone and everything.
Not really knowing what to say ~ I struggled with this concept a little.... Finally just saying "I am scared and I need help." All at once  was filled with a sense of peace and a knowledge that the answers and help I seek are always connected to me. I spend some time soaking this in. Then I began talking/praying about where I felt like I was failing and where I needed help. About half way through, I had an overwhelming feeling to just stop "talking" and worrying. Then I "heard" Surrender and just let go. If you let go of all of this, and the things you have not yet spoken, it will all fix itself. Just let go. After that there was no need to talk or think. I sat in my meditation without another word, just a renewed sense of peace.
Now comes the work.....learning to let go and surrender. Taking the practice of surrender, that I practice daily on my yoga mat, and bringing it into my every day life. It will take some time and practice and a whole new attitude of trust. Trust that things are working out just as they should. It will require a daily attitude of faith and gratitude. I am beyond grateful for all that I have...but I need to find a way to take it one step deeper. I want to wake up feeling happy and grateful to start my day. That's my work for the next month....wish me luck =)

Gratitude

 Love this time of year for many reasons.  It marks a changing of seasons that rides in with a colorful, magical display by mother Nature. It is a time of celebration and bonfires. It is when I get my jackets and boots back out. It is crisp and clear out and I can enjoy the cool with out freezing (most days)
   I just celebrated both Samhain and Halloween with family and many friends. Halloween as many of you know is my favorite times of year.....I have no idea why, but making the house all creepy, dressing up, and attending FOS are better than Christmas for me. I find as many things to attend and do, so I can soak it all up. I always feel a huge sense of blaaa when its all over. That being said, I decided to find a way to change that this year.
    In the Pagan/Celtic/Gaelic tradition this time of year marks a new year. I have never really given it much thought until now.
It makes sense to me on a spiritual level to start the new year now. It is a time to turn inward. It is a time a to reflect on the up coming physical new year (January 1) and make a plan that I can put into motion. It also makes sense to use this "new year" and take the time to really reflect on all the things in my life that are good....all the things that I am grateful for. That is what I am going to do. I have been hit with so much over the last few years and I need a way to make it all make sense. I need a way to change some things and find that inner fire. I need a way to gain a fresh perspective. I need to get back to seeing only the positive and letting go of all the negative things and thoughts that hold me back.
    I am going to spend the next year.....not month focusing on all the things that I have to be grateful for. I am going to try and do this on a weekly basis via this blog so that I don't drive my friends of facebook crazy LOL.
 So far this week.....I am grateful for my family and friends....I have had so many people who have held me up during all of the hurt and pain that has come up. I have friends who love me no matter what, that I can call at any moment and know that they are there for me.
I am grateful for my kids who laughter and love always bring light and laughter on the darkest days.
I am grateful for my home...it is old and in much need of repair, but keeps us warm and there is so much love and laughter within the walls.
I am grateful for all the love in my life
I am grateful for yoga....my mat has been the best therapy out there...
Will continue this type of blog through out the upcoming year and hopefully find a way to start writing again.

Fighting Shadows

    I have not written in a long time. I just can't seem to find the focus or inspiration....mostly because I am overwhelmed. I am seeking direction and for the longest time I have felt completely abandoned spiritually. However, now I feel like maybe it is just because I have been afraid. Afraid of more change.....more loss.... more upheaval. The control freak in me thinks that if I can find someway to maintain a "balance" then I can keep things the way that I want them. This mind frame is funny because if I have learned nothing else, I have learned that change is always going to happen. I can't stop it, I can only make it harder on myself to go through. I am trying to figure out what it is that has me so trapped in fear, and I think maybe it is fear of loss. It seems like that has been a primary theme for my life lately, and to be honest, I am tired of it. So I am trying to breath into that fear......let go of my need to control...let go of fear and just let life open up. Easier said than done. I would really like to be open to the change instead of having it blow up in my face. I would really like to step back into myself and do the things that I know I need to do. I would really like to complain less and just do the work that needs done.  I would really like to take back my power and find my voice again. I don't like the more meek, scared version of myself. I hate stumbling through everything because I am afraid of getting it wrong, making a mistake, or hurting someone. I have had many things that have been put in my path to let me know its time to step up....time to wake up.....time to move. I have two very good readings from dear friends that have just further confirmed this. Just need to listen and trust as I ask for my next move. Its time to face the shadows and walk towards the light.

Tired

I feel broken today. Ripped into little shreds....tired and drained on a level I can't explain. Nothing major has happened, just a lot of drama over the past few weeks,and lots of change on the horizon. I am not sure how to put anything back into order or even what it is I need to do right now. I know that this is a fleeting feeling and that sometimes things have to fall apart to get better. I know that they will, yet I still have that little bit of inner struggle that is just tired. Tired of feeling like every time things seem to be on track, they fall apart and a new lesson starts. The wiser part of me knows and is in gratitude for all the blessings these lessons continue to provide. So that being said....I am breathing....I am working ...everything is opening up just as it should.

Learning to trust

I wrote this a while back as part of journal entry......it speaks to where I am at now (minus the ice =) )
   As the ice pounds the world outside the walls in which I am confined, I find myself being swallowed in an ocean of worry and doubt.
The clouds of these old friends who just hours ago had no meaning or existence in my life are back and in strong force. This is life I guess....  The ebb and flow that continues to bring change and keeps us ever moving down our path. I know that there is much that I must do. I also know that I have hit a point of no return. There are no redos here,no opps I guess I was wrong, or please give me some more time to figure things out. This is a time of standing up and facing things head on. However, I find myself faltering a bit because of fear. Not just fear of the unknown..that I find rather intriguing. It is the fear of standing in an all to familiar place of trusting someone. Trusting in other person to be who they say they are...to do what they say they are going to do. This is not a fun place for me to be. It is trying to believe that I am good enough for someone to maintain what they say. It is believing that I am not disposable. It is believing that the people who directly influence my life on a daily basis are in my life because they want to be. It is trusting that they are not there just because I am safe, stupid, naive( I have been told that I only see the good in people) ....or just always there. It is trusting that it is okay to be me and see life through rose colored glasses even if it means getting hurt over and over. Despite this paralyzing fear I am still moving forward and at much more rapid pace than I ever thought I could. I am learning a long over due and very valuable lesson of letting go of the illusion of control and working on trust.I am learning to be open to the lessons(they seem less painful when I meet them in a place of acceptance and gratitude. ) Life is opening up in ways that I could never have imagined. So that being said....I also know it is time to start moving out of the fear so that life can continue to open up and guide me where I need to be.
Hope the lesson for that is something that I am ready for ....

Lunch???

This is my lunch today.... Which of these things does not belong? If you guessed chicken your right. After 2 years of being a strict Vegan, I finally decided to add meat back to my diet for 30 days to see if it would off set some of the health issues. This is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I am so sick of being sick all the time....so I am willing to try. I am following the Paleo diet because it includes tons of veges and gets me away from all the food I am allergic to. It also takes away grains (like rice) which I have been living off of. Plus it does not allow dairy which I will never consume again. So wish me luck....going to blog about it because it is a huge change and really big deal for me.
This is day 4 and the 3rd day I have gotten up with tons of energy and without a sore throat (have had that non stop for 3 months now). Not sure if it has anything to do with the diet change....we shall see. (doing this from so please excuse any mistakes )