However, when I was in this space...I looked for anything I could see or read that reminded me I wasn't alone in this pain....that others had been in it and survived it. It does get easier....no matter the outcome..... This is a colorful way to express how I quit chasing and accepted what was in that moment. It's not an easy thing...but a necessary one....
The idea of a perfect break up would mean....parting ways...grieving and mourning the loss...and moving on. But most don't go that way. We are human, therefore we find a way to complicate the hell out of everything. Break ups are never easy or even. One person always seems to hold on longer than the other. If you weren't expecting it, it feels that much worse. You can find yourself trying like hell, to figure out what is wrong with you.
You drive yourself crazy wondering why your partner can't love you anymore. If this person can't explain, it can create and endless loop of worry, without end or closure. If the person breaking up leaves you with a false sense of hope....that some how you are fixable.....and when you get there.....OMG he/she might love you again (I know bullshit)....but trust me its easy to get there. You can find yourself pouring all of you, and all of your love, into someone who is not going to give anything back. Trying to prove your worth to someone who is far from worthy of this love. In fact, this person just keeps taking.
In those moments, they can take so much that they begin to away your light, leaving you faded and feeling less than. It can feel as if you have had your soul sucked from you, leaving you empty and in a dark space. It turns that grief and loss into something so much worse. Instead of letting that part of your life, and you, just die and become a memory. It leaves you in a state of limbo.....as something you don't even recognize. If you are lucky enough to have a moment that rocks you during all this, and allows you to shift your perspective for a moment...you can find clarity. In that clarity you can just stop and see things for what they really are. That reality is not always pretty.
I was "blessed" with this moment.
Yes, the word blessed is in quotations, because while grateful for it........... it was honestly more painful than the breakup itself.
So here we go...
When he left a part of me died .....well that's not super accurate....part me should have died but didn't....but instead turned into a fucking zombie....the undead..a soul less monster trapped in a very dark space. I found myself feeding on any little bit of hope or love he would throw at me. Grasping at any word that could be twisted into a I still love you.
You drive yourself crazy wondering why your partner can't love you anymore. If this person can't explain, it can create and endless loop of worry, without end or closure. If the person breaking up leaves you with a false sense of hope....that some how you are fixable.....and when you get there.....OMG he/she might love you again (I know bullshit)....but trust me its easy to get there. You can find yourself pouring all of you, and all of your love, into someone who is not going to give anything back. Trying to prove your worth to someone who is far from worthy of this love. In fact, this person just keeps taking.
In those moments, they can take so much that they begin to away your light, leaving you faded and feeling less than. It can feel as if you have had your soul sucked from you, leaving you empty and in a dark space. It turns that grief and loss into something so much worse. Instead of letting that part of your life, and you, just die and become a memory. It leaves you in a state of limbo.....as something you don't even recognize. If you are lucky enough to have a moment that rocks you during all this, and allows you to shift your perspective for a moment...you can find clarity. In that clarity you can just stop and see things for what they really are. That reality is not always pretty.
I was "blessed" with this moment.
Yes, the word blessed is in quotations, because while grateful for it........... it was honestly more painful than the breakup itself.
So here we go...
When he left a part of me died .....well that's not super accurate....part me should have died but didn't....but instead turned into a fucking zombie....the undead..a soul less monster trapped in a very dark space. I found myself feeding on any little bit of hope or love he would throw at me. Grasping at any word that could be twisted into a I still love you.
Yes, it looked like me but I wasn't there anymore. That was a rotted, smelly, dead version of me. A shell of who I use to be, and who I was to become.
So I had a few options.....cut that bitches head off....and walk away.
Let that part of me die....
Yes, I would grieve for her. Losing a part of you hurts, even the ugly parts.
But she wasn't really alive anyway right??
Plus I could always honor and remember her at next years ancestor ritual. Dance around a fire while the drums beat wildly and thank her for dying and freeing me. Make wild passionate love under the stars....with no fear or expectation....just caught up in a beautiful moment because I am no longer a slave to trying to make some one love me.
So I had a few options.....cut that bitches head off....and walk away.
Let that part of me die....
Yes, I would grieve for her. Losing a part of you hurts, even the ugly parts.
But she wasn't really alive anyway right??
Plus I could always honor and remember her at next years ancestor ritual. Dance around a fire while the drums beat wildly and thank her for dying and freeing me. Make wild passionate love under the stars....with no fear or expectation....just caught up in a beautiful moment because I am no longer a slave to trying to make some one love me.
Or I could merge with that sad, angry person, until I finally had nothing left to give, and I was left alone for good. However, that would leave me to roam the earth like some kind of super sick, love eating monster. Dead eyes and a heart so full of fear ....it just repeated looooove me. Going to relationship after relationship....living half a life, partly dead, never fully alive. Always running after....grasping and feeding at something that isn't mine.
Not much a decision .....
Had to find a sword ....and go all Game of Thrones meets Michonne on that zombie bitch.
**head rolls** **tears fall**
* Sword back in its sheath*
Namaste
And moving on....
Yes, I know a bit over the top and dramatic. But when you see yourself in that spot.....you will understand it had to be done. Love is wonderful and it heals. I believe so much that you can pour yourself into people and grow and be better for it. But we have to be real.....not everyone is going to reciprocate and you can hurt yourself if you aren't careful. Maybe we can be friends in time.....but not with that version of me hanging around. Sometimes you have to be your own hero....especially when you are fighting for yourself and your life.....
Had to find a sword ....and go all Game of Thrones meets Michonne on that zombie bitch.
ReplyDelete**head rolls** **tears fall**
* Sword back in its sheath*
Namaste
And moving on....
-- That is absolutely the best thing I have read anywhere in a long time.
That is a huge compliment coming from you.....Thank you....
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