Thursday, February 23, 2017
There have been days...years even..
That I never would have believed this. Something in the last couple years ....and even more so that last few months has shifted. I still struggle with trust (in myself and with others) and self worth....
Now, I also see the warrior
I see the survivor in me.
I see that there have been moments that should have destroyed me ....but I didn't let them.
I see the divine, the Goddess. I see that even with all of the horrific moments.....I still have grace and love.
It may have kept me frozen....but I never lost my ability to love. I never lost my ability to see only the good in people. I have been told this is one of my greatest gifts and curses. Even with all the hurt, I would never trade it.
Yes, sometimes I can't deal with real life and I stay in my own little world. But that world....those rose colored glasses have protected me.
All the trauma...the decades of nights spent reminding myself that things would get better. The nights of telling myself to just hold on and breathe for another hour.....hour after hour until the sun came up....made me who I am today.
Those nights alone guided me to the moon, she became my best friend and confidant.
Those days of painting a smile on my face and going through my day,even when everything in me was dying, gave me the ability to see the hurt in others.
Today, years and years ago, everything changed for me. I died that day....not physically although it could have easily happened. The person I was died. I think I spent so much time reaching back for the girl I was. Reaching for all that I thought I had lost.
Subsequent traumas followed and with each one I faded.
I felt myself losing more and more of me. I just wanted the old me back, but she no longer exists. I think the biggest part of my healing is to let her go, and fully step into the woman I am today. Then to share my story with others, and hopefully in some way help.
This is where I think my work is....in helping others heal. I have developed a great ability for public speaking. Even though I am still finding my own voice.
I have the ability to teach, and a love for healing in areas like yoga and reiki. I hope to continue to learn and grow in other forms of the healing arts.
So I don't know where all of this will lead. For the first time this month, I woke up feeling strong, and like maybe some of the trauma is fading. Maybe I am just using it as fuel to take the next steps. It will be interesting to see where the next year leads me. I have no clue....but I feel big changes in the air..