Life Moment

This is also an older blog post from myspace ....when I read it today it really hit home because I had a few moments last week where all I could do was just breathe. The biggest difference between then and now was how long it took me to feel better...It didn't take hours and hours...it took minutes.....I have the tools of reiki, meditation and yoga now....  and it didn't take long to come out of this place. I have so much love surrounding me everyday that I can't allow myself to not see it......sooo that being said here is the old post

Holy Crap!!

Have you ever had a day when the reality of everything punched you in the stomach..Out of no where you find yourself "emotionally" laying on the floor willing yourself to breathe....just take a breath............................breathe....

You want to close your eyes and hide from all the unknowns all the things that just seem so bleak...but you know you have to be strong.  You have to smile and be the one who makes everything ok, the one who makes it all work. You know that YOU out of everyone must be the one to maintain a positive outlook, because so many people are relying on you to be there, to be strong and to not fall apart....

SO you pull yourself up....paint the smile on your face....you hide your anxiety and fear...and move on to the next step...

Praying that you will be able to keep it up...praying that everything will be okay and this is as bad as it will get...praying that nothing else will knock you back down....praying for strength and wisdom if it does

So you find yourself breathing, praying, hoping and taking small baby steps....getting stronger with each one.

You begin to start focusing on the positives of your family and friends... Being blessed to have loved ones to talk to..who always have your best interest at heart......being blessed to have someone you can share with and "fall apart" around...even in a temporary moment.....

Focusing on the positives gives you the faith that while you may not understand why all this is happening...there is a reason and in the end it will make you a better.... stronger person
Having that faith and love makes it all easier to do...One step and one day at a time. .

Feeling better and breathing again...because I have so many blessing and so much love in  my life...how can I lose faith when I am  blessed so much........   DEEP BREATH ...* smiles*

Sunset Memory

I was able to go outside and spend some time with the kids...I spent some time with John swinging on the tree swing...he loves looking up at the sky and swinging..he loved the fact that the leaves were all changing.

We did that and then I was able to just watch them play. It was cool out and the sun was beginning to set..there was a magic to the sunset today....and in the magic of that sunset... when the suns brilliance was shining and dancing across the blades of grass...reflecting on the skin and hair of my children..casting shadows that followed and chased them around the yard while they laughed and played. In the magnificence of that moment... time seemed to stand still...and all the worries..all the fears..all the unknowns seemed to disappear.  In that brief moment it was almost as if I granted the gift of seeing through a veil of all the things that hold me back and caught a glimpse into the joy of what what is...the simple joys you can't put a price on. The magic of today's sunset is one I shall never forget....it will forever be engraved in my heart and spirit...because at that moment "my heart took a picture." 

~This is an old post...my kids are all about 5 years older.......but one of my favorite memories. Posted it before Blogger had its glitch and it was erased....so re posting

How do you say goodbye

The title says it all....how do you say goodbye to something that has been everything to you.That was Saturday for me...the closing of the 200 hour official training.....the moment of coming into circle for the last time....the beautiful ritual of closing the circle....and all the good byes that I did quickly while smiling .....all so I could run out to my car and get in it and drive away before anyone saw me break down and cry. Some may look at this and think I am silly because it was just a yoga training.....something to bridge the gap from where you are to where you want to be. It may have started out that way.....it was something that I posted on my wall over a year ago....I wanted this training through Yogaworks....so you can imagine how thrilled I was when it happened. I knew I would learn a lot, and that my yoga practice would deepen...
However, what I didn't expect what just how much it would deepen and how much this training, my teachers, and the beautiful ladies in our "tribe" would become my strength and help me find my way back out of an ever growing dark space I had found myself in. This amazing group taught me to rediscover my backbone and my voice. In all of the laughter, tears,god damn-its,  and yes even the fighting there were more life lessons and gifts than I can name. There were days in between weekends that were grueling for me, and I found strength  in knowing that if I really couldn't deal with it.....if it really got to hard...there would soon be a circle of support for me to let it go. This gave me the power to just breath. I never really needed to vent much because once I found myself back in that energy I immediately felt stronger...immediately knew that at least for the next three days everything was okay.
The biggest lesson I took away from this had nothing to do with how much better my asana practice was. The biggest lesson was learning how to hold a pose that hurt....or was uncomfortable....or that I just flat didn't want to be in at that moment....and not only hold it but to stop reacting to the perceived pain and discomfort. To use the peace and power within to get through and know that the benefits were there and the strength was there.....I just had to "get out of my own way"and let it happen.
Other lessons were with the letting go and just having fun with poses....or what I took away.....letting go and just having fun in life.
It taught me that while I felt totally out of my element and felt like I had really made a huge error of judgment in how ready I was for this training ....that I could stand on my own feet and just do it. It taught me to practice harder and let go of what was not available to me right now....knowing that with time and practice it would be.
The philosophy gave me a lot to think about and honestly bridged a gap in some of my other areas of training. It really helped with learning to not react....and is giving me the ability to not beat myself up when I do. I am learning to be kinder to myself. I learned that in order to really live again ....I am going to have to stop squashing all my emotions and the things that have caused trauma or sadness or whatever.....and start dealing with them. Now that  I know that I need to ....I am waiting for the person who will come (and I am sure that will be soon...because I am finally ready) to show me just how to do that. All the physical discomforts stem from not dealing and I have to say .....it really pissed me off when I realized how much I was hurting myself.

I learned that even if the middle of all the shit in my life right now.....I have so much joy......because the gift this training gave me was the ability to once again find joy with my family tribe.....to start reaching out to friends again....to stop trying to do it all my own.

There is much more I could say.....and probably will in time......but for now.....I just want to end by saying I know we didn't say good bye. However, closing that door on the past 6 months left me scared and out of my element for a little while. I cried the whole way home....but I also know that the friendships....the lessons and the gifts that we all found and received by growing and learning together will always be available. I think as a "tribe" we were all beyond blessed with the gift of our teachers....Jeanmarie and Janet. They were not two people who just showed up because they had to.....they teach with love and it radiates from them and found its way to each of us....giving us what we needed and bringing light to the things we most needed to leave the dark. I love everyone in our tribe and look forward to growing together in a new way....the hard part of our training is beginning.....Love....light and hugs..

Namaste.....

Mystical Forest

Mystical and powerful
She feels the moon calling her forward
The earth is pounding under her feet
Beckoning for her to return
The night is rhythmically whispering
You are of ancient blood
The time for your return is near
The forest in rustling in sweet anticipation
For they know she is returning
The earth is ready to meet her dancing feet
The night is aching to hear the long forgotten Goddess chants
The forest ready to feel her true spirit reunite with them once more
The fire is burning and she is no longer blind
No longer trying to hide
No longer afraid
Few can hear what she does
Few can feel the beat of the earths drum
Sisters she is calling
Rise and come with me
We must move back into our power
We must fulfill our destiny
The earth to long has been without
And to us we hear her cry
It is time .....our truth we can no longer deny
In the forest our fire will burn
Our voices will chant
Our feet will dance
Our hands will hold the elemental powers
Our actions will heal
We must leave  false perceptions  behind
We must remember who we are and from where we came
Our power is not something we can continue to minimize nor disavow
The time is coming
The earth is calling
Do you hear it sisters....

Magical Winds

Magical winds blow across the sea
Speaking in words….no mortals were meant to hear
Holding many secrets of times long ago….
Laughing with the ocean they play their music well
Hypnotic and mystical for all who are open
Ready to hear the words…ready to dance the song
Those who are ready know the wonders the elements posses
Water…Earth…Fire…Air ..
Can you hear them whisper …
Guiding and teaching as they go….
Open to the words they whisper
Dancing as you go
The magic winds blow far and free
Across the vast and mighty sea…..
In the twilight of the night
Under the soft dim glow of the stars above
All the wonder of the winds take flight
Dreaming things that seem far out of reach
Allowing us to see the things that are just beyond our realm
Magical winds blow across the sea….
Hoping for one …just one to believe…
Walk the path of those before
Believe in the wonders of so much more
Things beyond reason….wishes and hopes
Magical winds…do you see them as they blow…
Asking if you believe…..
Magical winds take my dreams and make them real…
Carry my hopes and set them free
Nurture them…. so they never stifle with me
Magical winds embrace my soul as they glide across me….
Watching me as I dance…..taking me on journey
A dream beyond compare….
Magical winds have blessed me in ways most will never understand
Bringing harmony with its dance….allowing me to sail upon it
Across the vast and mighty sea…for you see
I believe……..
~Anita~

In the mist of the water

In the mist of the water
Holding on tight
So much pain and turmoil
She is going to win this fight
Taking time to sooth the fire
Yet never put it out
It is in these soothing moments
She remembers just what she is about
It hard while in the battle to think
It is hard to keep the head clear
Easy to wander and fumble
Tired yet knowing victory is near
In the mist of the water
All pain is being erased
All the voices that say quit trying
All the voices who say don't believe
Those voices are quietly dying
Under the calm the water brings
In the mist of the water
The rage of the fire is cooling

Bringing  nourishing steam
Cleansing and renewing
All toxic moments are released 
In the mist of the water
Everyone thinks she is giving up
They leave her all alone

Thinking she is lost
In the mist of the water
Her heart and determination are growing
If only they knew that by leaving
They are allowing her to gain speed
In the mist of the water she is preparing
Resting for that which she knows lies ahead
For she knows the battle will be there waiting
She knows it will be hard to win
In the mist of the water all doubt is washed away
She will be victorious....there is no other way

In this mist of magic water 

She is becoming
She is being....

She is

Bucket List =)

       I found that of the things in life that I regret the most it is rarely about the things I did …instead it is about the things I didn’t do……..the things left unsaid….nothing is worse than wondering what if…… I wish that I had not left so many things unsaid and undone in my life. I often find my self wondering why I lacked courage to just put it out there. Most of the time it was fear...fear of rejection…fear of being told no…fear of being judged…fear of the unknown

Could my life be better and more rounded if I had just let go and trusted myself and my instincts.. Life is just to short to hold back all the time…..

We are all handed opportunities to try and do things that test and challenge who we are and lead us to our true selves. It is just a matter of stepping up when you get the chance and trusting in yourself and the universe to guide and direct you….following the ebb and  flow of life

So that being said I am starting a list of things the I really want to do and then  I am going to get out there and do it…..Life is to short to not enjoy and really be lived. You are not guaranteed anything ……tomorrow is hope not a promise and there is no reason to let it pass and slip by while living  a mediocre life…. we are all going to have to fears .... up and downs…we will all make mistakes…but I never want to sit and wonder why I didn’t try…why I didn’t take a chance

So I am starting my list…not because I am afraid of dying ….but because I do not want to walk through life and never live………

SO for the short list….because I know it will grow and grow

~Learn to dance several styles

~SCUBA……in a beautiful place

~Spend a weekend*maybe a week* at a wonderful beach and just relax…..

~Visit Ireland and Italy…

~ Skydive….*GULP*

~Finish school

~Make sure that I help my kids achieve at least one dream adventure

~Get my personal trainer certification

~ Get my yoga teaching cert.