Stories 

 

~~~I posted this on myspace on February 17, 2008 ....going to try and transfer some of my favorite myspace blogs to this blogging site. Less to keep up with =)~~

 

   Stories we all have them… They are the essence of who we are. They are the events and things in our lives that shaped molded and guided us into the people we are today. We all sit around and laughing and relating and reliving our beloved memories through our stories. Along with the good we all have stories that give us pause and make us reflect back on times of sorrow and times of great personal growth. Most of the time we share these stories and use them to reach out and help others or to receive help ourselves. However, there are some that we don't share…..some that we lock up and never face. These are the stories that we desperately wish we could forget……but they are the stories that never seem to leave. Instead of becoming a past story it becomes one that rears itself out of the darkness and reeks complete havoc on lives. It pushes past all the walls that one has put around it and leaves you breathless and unsure about how you are going to handle dealing with these past issues …….in the here and now ….. without losing your composure and without letting anyone know. However, despite how they feel inside they have long mastered the art of "being ok" No one around them would ever suspect or even know that there were any issues or problems. This leaves them feeling very alone….always…even in a room full of people. Facing everything on there own makes them strong well beyond there years…..it leaves others to see them as fearless…and they are to a point…..except in dealing with the story and their  emotions. Feeling is scarier to them than anything…because that requires dropping your guard…it requires trust…it requires a whole lot more than they can give. For every time they do let down their guard even a small amount and get hurt…they buildup stronger bigger walls….leaving them more and more alone. Allowing others to see them in pain or out of control leaves makes them feel weak and so they never feel safe enough to reach out and let the story go.
    This leaves one dying inside slowly…. Changing and distorting their perspective on life and leaving them in cloud of fear and darkness. Death is not always physical in nature. A person can be around everyday with a smile.. Busy….. Seemingly happy…always there for everyone else……always having your back. However because they have locked up so much grief …sorrow…fear and pain …it has turned into a poison that is slowing killing the very essence and light of that person. It is amazing that you can watch someone "die" right in front of you. However, the symptoms are always there if you really slow down… look and want to see. On that same note…. It only takes one person reaching out a hand to make all the difference. One person to be the light that leads the person in the right direction… the light where others can help.
     This time of year haunts me the most…… Logically it shouldn't affect me so much anymore……….. but because I never allowed my voice to be heard….. Because I choose to hid all the fear… sorrow and pain …… it still does. It is this time of year that it is hardest for me to keep an upbeat attitude..… because it feels like an act.. It is the time of year when I have to face that I am not always in control…… and that things happen that you can not help or control.


     I was lucky however because I was blessed to have someone reach out years ago and have me at least take a layer off my story by admitting to one person that I had one…. This allowed me to turn and take small steps back towards the light….. Allowing me to be in  the right places at the right times... where I was able to learn and grow…it allowed me to be ready to open up and trust again…YEARS later..

     Just in the past few years have I really felt like I am stepping back into the light…feeling the breeze …... and wishing on stars again. In the past few years I have slowly been able to see through the clouds and finally take back some control from a story that held me in its grips. I let my story…….my past….trickle its poison into my life for years …….and years. Allowed it to cloud my thoughts and eliminate my trust in life…..people and most importantly left me afraid and untrusting of myself.
     I know that I am not all the way there yet…..because I am still not able to tell my story…..I don't know that I ever will. But I admit that I have one…..and that it is finally beginning to find its way back to the past where it belongs…. Where it can no longer cloud my future…..
     We all have stories...... and we all should learn to share and trust and be the people we need other to be for us…I have been unbelievably blessed with some of the most wonderful people in my life….. The love and friendship that I felt and feel... allows for me have faith….and believe that all things happen for a reason even if we never know why… My story taught me that if I just stop being afraid and look up…..the person that I need in that moment….. Is always going to be there to take my hand …… I have been so blessed….and I hope that I am able to help others in same way that I have been helped…….I wouldn't be who I am today without my friends and loved one.