Dad was very sick for a long time before he passed away. He spent countless hours in his bed just trying to get through waves of pain. I thought that was how I would always remember him....so it surprised me that most of my memories of him are of how alive he was and how much strength he brought our family. Things that I thought I had long forgotten roll in and out of my mind on a daily basis.
I remember all the things he did as my daddy.....I remember fishing with him and catching a huge cat fish....dad ran over and try to reel it in because I was to small to do it on my own....but it got away. I remember riding in the canoe and watching our dog Froto jump out in the creek and swim. I remember putting on our "pumpkin hunting clothes" which consisted of bright orange hats, flannel shirts, and jeans, so we could go shopping for just the right pumpkin. I remember picking pecans in woods behind the house.... Chasing after armadillos....and the look of panic on my dads face when he had to track me down in the woods because I jumped the fence in our back yard and ran into the woods trying to catch one on my own.... I remember......Our trips to Landa Park to feed the ducks......my first hunting trip with my dad and grandpa....showing off all the bugs and frogs I would catch....stopping at the bakery on our way to Landa Park......listening to him sings songs off of 8 tracks....his laugh.....the way he would laugh and laugh while watching silly shows like Ren and Stimpy or Bevis and Butthead.....the dress that he bought me for my first dance...it was a very frilly old Victorian dress..nothing but lace and ruffles.. I remember the look of pride on his face as he presented it to me and the feeling of absolute terror I had at the thought of wearing it. I remember my dad teaching me to drive...listening to music in the back of the small car. I remember how he could take something as normal as a gas station and turn it into something magical. For us the gas stations were candy stores...I remember how he would captivate us with the stories from his youth. I remember how safe he made me feel......how safe I was when he hugged me.....how safe I felt just knowing he was here.
My dad was dreamer with plans and dreams that were larger than life. I remember laying in bed with him and designing our future home on the massive amount of land he dreamed of owning. It was beautiful...we added a pool, a hot tub, a toy room, and each of us kids had our own room. He always laughed as he drew and added to my ever growing list .....a basketball court, a dance room and a tennis court. When we would finish he would look at it and say " we will live here someday" and with everything that was in me ....I believed him....still do. He gave me the greatest gift... the ability to dream and believe. He allowed me to dream big without any blocks or hesitations.He reinforced my love for nature and the beauty and power that comes from the earth. He opened my heart and taught me from example the joy of helping others. He was always helping everyone.
These are just a few of the things that he did as my dad...I could write a book on the gifts and joys that he brought to my life...........Time marched on and daddy transitioned into Papaw and his grand babies only opened his heart more. There was nothing that he would not do for his grand kids. He missed them like crazy when they were not with him. His room was known as the sanctuary and as long as the kids were safe in his room they could not be punished for anything...period. He was able to sit and spend hours with them talking and watching TV. As much as he loved them.......they returned the love for him 10 times over. He could do no wrong......even when he was in his worst pain...he had time and patience to hold and love his babies.. My sisters little girl Ana Lyn lived further away ...but was always in his heart....he would pull her pictures out and talk about how much he missed her ....and tell us all of the stories that Amy had told him about what she had been doing. When I talked to my kids about their favorite memories of him they talked and talked about all that he did for them....all the fun they had.....and said there were to many to choose from.* getting marker tattoos....sucking Papaws thumb instead of a pacifier...trips to Fort Pillow before he got sick*.....but my youngest summed it up when he said...."I use to hang out in his room with him all the time....its all I ever needed."
I spent to much time the last few months of his life being angry with him. I spent to much time wishing he would quit trying to change me and love me for me. I wish that I spent that time seeing that he needed all of us. He needed me.....and it wasn't that he was trying to change me.....he always wanted what was best...even if we disagreed on what that was. I wish I could have seen how much he really loved me before he passed. I wish that I could have seen just how much alike we really are. That all the stubbornness and passion that he brought when we argued about something ....was mirrored in me. I wish that I had realized I was frustrating him just as much if not more.I wish I could have appreciated all the gifts he brought to my life and been able to see that we really saw life much the same way....just with a different life story and perspective. I wish I had just laughed about it or I could have just seen it and not tried to change his views....wish I had just loved him and soaked up every minute I had with him. My dad brought so much life and magic to every ones life and I wish that in the last year of his life I had been able to remember all the good. I wish that I had not let all the petty arguments keep me from spending time with him. I just couldn't see how much I really needed him. I know now just how great he was to all of us and that are all feeling lost without him. I wish that I could feel arms around me one more time.
I know I can't change anything that happened.....and that being the great man that he is.. he gave me another great gift when he passed. He made me see life differently....he reinforced the importance of being happy with where you and made me see how precious our time is with the ones we love. He taught me that we should not hold grudges....we should never hold back love or hold back telling someone how much they mean to us. He taught me that when we get caught up in our lives and problems...we fail to see the love and beauty around us. He taught me not to take anything for granted . He taught me to love the small things in my life and to find joy in them....to live and not fear.....he taught me that every day that I wake up and go through life with the ability to move and not feel pain....I am blessed.
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