Real Strength

    I have spent years suffering in silence. Exposing only what I had to when I reached a point that I couldn't hold it alone anymore. I have been terrified of living with a label, having others view me as less than. I have held more guilt than any three people should. I have beat myself down, and been the biggest liar and bully, to my own heart and soul. I have spent more than half my life hiding from, being ashamed of, running from the fact that I have PTSD.
     It seems silly, that I am only just now seeing that this does not define me. Just now looking outside the walls I created. It seems silly that I have been freely giving my power away for years.
Yet, here I am.
    I don't think I am alone in this. I think a great deal of us are suffering alone, in silence, with this massive monster.
It is easy to shut down and feel alone in a  society where we are expected to be on 24/7. It is a common perception that we are somehow weak if  we don't get our shit together quickly and move forward. This perception still exists because we participate in it, therefore making it a reality. I have made it my reality for years. I pretended, sucked it up, painted on a smile and went about my day.
I get up and work after nights of not sleeping, because the nightmares got the better of me. I make everyone's expectations my own.
Why?
     Because,  I am terrified of what I will see if I stop. Terrified of what others will see in me if I let down my walls. Terrified of what will happen if I just stop and take a second to compose myself. Terrified of my own voice.
The very thing that I need to do, scares me the most.
      I learned over the years to disassociate from those pieces of myself.
That way I could sit in mediation, and feel without breaking down. Leave that other part of me in a box. Act like that part of me never existed.  I can flow through my yoga classes, help others heal, but never touch my own wounds. I can shower others in love and grace. Yet,I lack the ability to do it for myself.
     I thought it made me stronger, and it did for a while.
 It was only suppose to be a crutch. It gave me the ability to cope and accept.  It was honestly, the only reason I could continue to function. It did serve a purpose and it helped me. I was the one who made it a handicap. I didn't let it go, didn't try to work without it. I didn't do the work for years and years.
     The past few years, the universe broken me down again and again. The last big shake up being the one that took me to my knees. In that moment, I couldn't get it back together. The damage was far too great for plaster and quick fixes. This time I really had to do some work. It was one of the most awful and rewarding experiences I have ever had. I wish it didn't have to be so devastating, but I wasn't open for anything else. I was to hidden, too skilled at my craft. It is an ever moving process, and  am still working on it.
      In doing so I have been amazed with how things opened up for me. I have had people come into my life that have shown me magic. Brought me back here to my writing. Given me a chance to slow down. I have had amazing friends who have met me where I was at and just loved me. These amazing souls deserve a story of their own. Something I am currently working on.
      I can't speak for everyone, I can only share what I have learned. My hope is that in sharing, maybe I can find others who are stumbling through the dark with me. Make something beautiful out of our darkness. Together we can find strength and find a way to rebuild our fire.
      I am grateful for all the tools and walls that kept me sheltered and safe so I could get to this point. But I am tired, so fucking tired of just surviving. Tired of slapping band aids on open, gaping wounds. Tired of feeling less than. Tired of being afraid. Tired of holding back.
      I want to heal and I want to thrive. I want to look the world in the eyes and say "Bring it! I can handle whatever you throw my way!" I want to be a warrior who can be real with herself. I want to stop hiding and I really want to feel life the way it should be felt. Uncensored, raw and real.
     That being said, I am going to write my story. I may publish, I may not. But I am done hiding from it. My hope, is that anyone who can relate to this, will reach out. Reach out here, or to someone that you trust. There is strength in numbers and we are not alone. We never have been. It's time to come out of hiding. It is time to find our voices. Time to show the world what real strength looks like.