Life lesson from Virabhadrasana 1 and the word floppy...

I have been blessed over the past few years with some really strong teachers who have taught me a lot about myself just through letting me in on an observation or just making me see things as they are.
  Samara taught me while trying to get me to move my feet during belly dancing class that I have commitment issues. It is a moment that I will never forget. She was standing beside me telling to move... she said "just quit thinking and commit to moving your feet". It didn't happen that day and she said "Anita you have some serious commitment issues" To which I replied.."No I don't I have 4 kids." LOL....sometimes the things that ring most true are the ones we immediately deny. She was of course right....and I took that lesson and learned that  I do indeed have a issue with commitment and now that I see it... it is something that I am working on and getting better at all the time.
My Reiki teacher Lee.... has been the biggest blessing in my life. She never sugar coats but always speaks from love. I have learned so much from her and she continues to teach and my bless my life.  She taught me about Ego.....and the first time she talked about keeping our egos in check was during a Reiki I training....I was thinking...ohh...thats easy...I don't have an ego...*bwhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha*...... I do have ego....lots of it. Knowing this helps me to keep it in check....I even gave ego a shape....it looks like the Hopi Kokopelli Indian figure...and when I am meditating or doing reiki....I always put him in a cage...and say just for now I need to be without you.

Sooo all of that brings me to my latest life lesson. I am taking 200 hour yoga teacher training course..I have attended 2 weekends of it now and it has been one of the most amazing experiences.....albeit painful and very humbling.
Before I go on I need to break the "voices" ~no not the crazy kind~  down so it has a chance of making sense. These are how I break down my thoughts ...and how I sort through things...so don't laugh at me too much =)

Ego~~Hopi Kokopelli  Indian figure
Inner Retard~~ if you have seen Titus...you know what I am talking about...if not ...its that part of you that always thinks you are going to screw up or do something stupid. That being said...lets move on....

On the last day of training this past weekend  we are working on Vira I/warrior 1, and I have been working very hard on it in hopes of finally getting something right. Our teacher Jeanmarie has all of us get in front of the class and go through the things we have learned so far. My turn gets here and I am doing okay until we get Vira I/Warrior 1.... I go up into what I think is a very strong pose and so I understood all the feed back I was getting until she tells me to straighten my back leg.  
Ego.. What ...my back leg is straight....
I keep trying  to straighten it but I just have no idea what it is she wants me to do. I already feel like I have hyper extended my knee...Jeanmarie...makes some adjustments and while she is doing so  she makes the statement..."you are a floppy girl"...WTH?!?.....floppy...she goes on to say " that she was too when she started...just means I have more flexibility than strength." Again what????? she makes some more adjustments and my leg is killing me.. but  finally...I am in what she says is a better warrior 1. She takes some before and after pictures...lets me to finish the sequence and I finally get to get off the mat and go sit down.
I am trying to watch the other students and get my mind off the word floppy.....but it continues to run circles in my mind....Floppy??!!?? For the first little bit all I could do was associate the word floppy with fat....Reactive YES....but given my past issues with weight ...a very expected ...conditioined first reaction. I resist looking at the pictures....wanting to be alone when I did in case I was unhappy with what I saw...
Later in the day we start doing sutras and I calm down and realize that I am reacting and I just need to let it go for know.....yaaaay yoga and the power of calm.

Now fast forward to Monday....the word floppy keeps popping up in my head and so I decide to really look at the pictures....I pull them up on my phone and what do I see very clearly in the before photo???? Floppy.... ugggg...and not floppy in the sense of fat...it looks like a lazy pose....like someone who just took the shape of the pose with no real effort put into it....WTH....ooooo... and yes she was right ...in spite of all my inner bitching my back leg was indeed bent. So here is how I finally processed it...
Ego...welll its okay ...you have never really had anyone teach you how to do it....
Inner Retard...noooo thats not true....you just don't like to do things that hurt because you are not strong.....
Ego....That's not true...that would be living in fear and I have a whole life based on love and not living in fear...
Inner Retard....**laughing  hysterically**....look at all the issues in your life....
Ego....I have more strength than you could imagine....and firey passion for life that you will never understand....I just don't like to show it much because I am afraid of the damage it will cause....
Inner Retard.....*smug*
Ego...*defeated*...back in cage   
Me...G*d Dammit.....here I am trying to half ass hold a pose without using  any of my inner strength to help me through it. Am I hurting anything short term....probably not...but I am making things waaay harder than they have to be. Am I hurting anything long term....you betcha...
Now apply that to my life.....do I have lots of issues that I am merely getting through....doing only what needs to be done on the surface so that I give the appearance of trying ....*deep sigh* yes...I am...I am living a floppy life....so there is my life lesson....and once you know something....you can't pretend you didn't see it or that you don't know it.
Sooo...it is time to learn how to stop being afraid of the inner strength...time to embrace my passion and find the wisdom to deal with things....Time to draw on all my strength and straighten that back leg into a powerful Vira 1/warrior 1. Thanks for the life lesson Jeanmarie =)

Learning to forgive ...learning to fly

There are moments in time that are so hard...so traumatic that they strip you bare

Moments that seem rob the light and essence of your spirit and soul

Moments that haunt you in the dead of night..and leave you wishing for reprieve

It’s in these moments …these awful times that we seem to really define who we are

We are not the event... nor are we defined by it

However,our true character comes through by how we handle them

It not the immediate reaction for those are so heart rending that there is no room for anything but grief and anger

It's what we do with the time after…how we heal…

How we forgive…how we let go…how we reach out to others

There is no set time on how long we stay in that anger and grief...no set time on how long it takes to heal…for these moments also offer up lessons that must be learned

These lessons can often seem harder than the event itself…because you are already so vulnerable and raw

It requires a great deal of faith to believe that some how...some way...you will find a new sense of normal

It’s hard sometimes to walk so blindly on faith in the dark…

The one thing we must remember is that no matter how dark things seem the light never leaves us…

The light is something that we must keep seeking out despite the hurt….

We must learn to walk our path to find our truth and light... even when all we want to do is stop and hide…

We must learn the lesson of forgiveness 

Forgive

It seems to be such a simple concept...and very necessary for growth  

However,  it always seems to be the hardest part….

We must of course find a way of letting go and find a place of  forgiveness for the event or people who have hurt us.....but that is not the hardest part..

The hardest part always seems to be forgiveness for yourself…

But it is the first and biggest step to reaching the light

It allows us to begin to understand that we are never alone 

That sometimes the things that we don’t understand are just moments of growth

Closing doors on our old perceptions...our old beliefs....and throwing us out of our comfort zone is the only way most us will reach for a new door...or even look out the window

Our  greatest opportunities...and greatest moments of growth always seem to stem from our greatest sorrows and loses... ~Anita Delashmit ** a "pep talk" to myself....I almost always have to write it out to get it..lol*

  ~I have a very blessed life....I am surrounded by wonderful family and friends who love and support me even when I don't deserve it. In spite of all the pixie magic....my life has had many moments that I was not sure I could get through. Each and every one of those moments changed me.....and helped me become a better person. They helped me reach beyond my self made limits and grow. Those moments made me appreciate the things that I had taken for grated. They taught me to sit and learn to breathe...they helped me develop  a deep love of being out in nature. ~* Maybe that is why I have always loved the stars, and why they bring me so much peace. It is when I am outside sitting under the stars and moon that I am reminded that I am always surrounded by light...even when it is dark and even if the stars seem small or far away.*~ There was one moment in my life that was changed everything....it was by far one of the hardest moments to pull myself out of the dark from....but I have been doing it. Little by little...bit by bit..year by year....  I am finally learning that the light has always been within. That all I ever needed to do was let go of the fear and pain. I am understanding and accepting that yes this is a hard time of the year for me.....and yes...its worse this year because I am still learning to live without my dad in physical form. However, I would not be who I am today without it. I learned to forgive the person and event a long time ago, and for years I thought that was enough. Now I am forgiving me....letting go of the trauma of the moment and learning to fly in a new way. I am even finding ways to live in gratitude for it.... it was one of my greatest lessons. Something that even years later I am learning from....it was a single moment that put me on a path that has lead me to so much joy and happiness.....I am blessed...I am ready to fly in light and joy.

Goddess

You are goddess
You have always been
Power and grace until times end
Draw upon your blessings
Call upon your unseen friends
Do not wait and suffer
Its time for that to end
You are stronger and wiser than you have been lead to believe
In you lies a power untouched and unredeemed
You are not bound by material things
You are goddess wrapped in love
Help and guidance follow you always from above
Do not accept limits or blame
You are goddess
Find your path
Learn and grow
The ancient arts you already know
Time to put in practice the gifts you were meant to bring
Time to let go of the ties of all the worldly things
Look in your heart...
We are there
Going ever impatient for a chance to be seen
Find your place on forest floor
Dance and call upon it powers once more
Move to the beat of the earth you will feel
Finally remember what is real
You are goddess nothing less
Feel this in your every breath
Breath it in as you walk through your day
Feel it as it awakens and moves in your veins

Stand in the moon light and soak up its magic

Dance around the fire 

Look into the flames

Feel the old burning away

Remember your dreams 

You are goddess......

Soon it will be time
You must wake up and take your place
                                        ~Anita Delashmit

My Dream...that came in story form the night after Mama Dragons memorial

The past few months have left me feeling  very out of my element. I had been surrounded by so much loss that it was beginning to get hard to breath.  When I got the news that Trudy had passed away.....I was overwhelmed....I cried every time I thought about her. I did not know her as long as I would have liked but her influence, her love, and her laughter were far reaching. She is one of those people that you meet and your life is forever changed. I was not really looking forward to having to say goodbye at her memorial; but in desperate need of being close to my friends, my chosen family, and all those who knew Mama Dragon and loved her. The turn out said it all.....and I learned that I don't have to say good bye. She is going to live through us and with us always. I left feeling sad but hopeful, because you can't be around anything to do with Trudy, and walk away without hope or a smile. Right before I was going to go to sleep that night I looked outside and the ground was covered in snow. I got a message from Krissi saying what I already knew....it was Mama Dragon...letting us know that all is well. I went to sleep feeling more at peace than I had in a long time. Then I had a dream unlike any other I have ever had....it was in story form...and it was directed at me to help me move forward through the loss of my Dad and let the grief  go.Please forgive anything that is not grammatically correct...its hard to write about a dream...and I am just going to try and get it out as close to the original as I can. Also I know that everyone walks a different path....and I am in no way trying to push my views on anyone...just trying to heal...=)

The narrator (who I never saw in the dream) started out by saying I have a story for you.......

She said you have always used the analogy about the importance of taking care of
your body by asking yourself and others "What if at birth you were given a car....and told that this was the only car you will ever receive so take care of it. What if we lived in that reality....how would we maintain our cars". From there the story started ...it was much like the Disney show Cars.(lol ...I know kinda corny)
   In this story we were all born into a car. We had no choice as to what car we had or the condition of the car. We were here for the experience of driving aka living. As cars we all drove around to work ...home (which of course was a garage) ...school. 
     We lived just like we do now...only we were in cars instead of bodies. Some cars never stepped out onto roads that were long or twisty...and some cars loved nothing more than to just get out on the open road and let the car run.  We all had friends and family and those that we loved.  We lived ...loved and tried our best to understand life and live it in a way we thought we should. 
     Now you couldn't see the person in the car....but they were there...and they(much like we do) judged themselves by the appearance of the car...by how fast the car could drive....or how much money the car could bring in. They learned to think that they were the car....and nothing more. 
     One day a beloved car broke down....and the mechanics could not find the parts to fix the car and the car died. When that happened the cars that loved her were heart broken. However, at the moment the car died...something happened....the door opened and a girl walked out. She stretched her arms and legs and began to walk...something that was brand new. She was deliciously overwhelmed by all the new wonderful sensations....she was so happy. She had not realized until that moment just how confined she had been in that car. She noticed at that moment how limited she had been and just how wonderful it felt to be her and not defined by the car she was driving. She realized at that moment how much time we all waste defining ourselves by the vehicles we were in. She realized how caught up we had all become in something that was a learning experience...something we all had wanted to do.
     Overcome with joy she took off running and could feel the grass under her feet....she could see her friends that she had  thought she lost in the distance, running to greet her. They shared hugs and laughter......they were there to greet her and help her on this new adventure.  
     She turned around to share all this joy with her friends and loved ones who were still in cars....but they were crying. She ran over to each of them and tried to make them see that she was still here...but she was free and happy and better than she had ever been. She never died.....she never would....she was simply progressing on her journey. 
     She did things that she knew only those who knew her would understand ....a way of letting them know that she was still there....she listened to the stories...and laughed when they finally stopped crying and honored her by laughing and taking care of each other.  
      Then the narrator said....you have been taught and now you must let go and stop defining yourself by the body you are in. You are so much more than that. While you are here  love....learn ...grow ...be in service.... help.....and know that I and lots of those who love you are always here...always ready to help and give guidance...you just have to listen. The small voice...the feelings....the wind blowing...little things. You can't be so caught up in life or you will miss them. Slow down and enjoy this and know one day it will be your turn to open the door and walk out. I will be waiting when you do....with love, laughter and open arms.

I think that Mama Dragon helped to send that dream to me. I think that anyone who knows her has been taught. We all know or are learning that we are here for the experience of living.....we are here to learn. It is not a forever thing and we should try and remember not to get so caught up in the trivial moments in this life. Instead we should focus on things that impact each other on a heart/soul level. Things that bring love and joy. Anyone who loved Trudy was influenced on a heart/soul level. She taught us well....to love ....to laugh....and to just make relax and make it up if we get stuck or lost. Now we must honor her and continue her story.

I am looking forward to the upcoming year.,,,,,I am finally feeling a sense of peace. I am releasing all the bonds and things that have held me back. I am going to live in love....going to let go of fear...going to laugh....going to find joy.....I am going to live......


I love you Mama Dragon....I know you are still with us....I will remember you as you were here...and honor your lessons.....and I will be listening and waiting for  your guidance....

The Path

Silently gliding down a path

Yet I know not why

Love in all it forms

Passing me

Slow down I can not

Staying only for the time to grow

Knowing that those who have been in my heart

Are there forever more

Why? 

I hear so many times

It haunts my peaceful sleep

For I have not any answers

I have no words to speak

I only know to the depth of soul

That on this path I must go

Where it leads I am told

Will be one of the greatest stories ever told

Therefore I must do my part 

To help the story unfold

Guided by the hands of fate

Trusted …Feared…

Born of the fire of complete rebirth

Ashes to beauty….fear to trust

Alone becomes together

Yet for the time being

I must walk….must learn…must grow

Look darkness in the eyes…

Look fear in the face

And move

Trusting

That in the end all will be as promised

My path will not lead to more turmoil

Just blissful happiness

Tears will not be in vain

Heartache will be a distant memory

Those moments that hurt will fade

Those feelings of fear will dissipate

Life will be as it was meant

Full of love 

I will be free

Connected to all that is

Connected to all that will be

My Daddy

     Time stopped the moment I heard that my daddy was finally free of pain because he had crossed over. There are no words, no expressions, no adequate way of describing the amount of pain that encompasses every fiber of my being. I know I should keep in mind that he has not really left me....that he is happy...but some days I just need him to be here in physical form.

     
     Dad was very sick for a long time before he passed away. He spent countless hours in his bed just trying to get through waves of pain. I thought that was how I would always remember him....so it surprised me that most of my memories of him are of how alive he was and how much strength he brought our family. Things that I thought I had long forgotten roll in and out of my mind on a daily basis.
 I remember all the things he did as my daddy.....I remember fishing with him and catching a huge cat fish....dad ran over and try to reel it in because I was to small to do it on my own....but it got away. I remember riding in the canoe and watching our dog Froto jump out in the creek and swim. I remember putting on our "pumpkin hunting clothes" which consisted of bright orange hats, flannel shirts, and jeans, so we could go shopping for just the right pumpkin. I remember picking pecans in woods behind the house.... Chasing after armadillos....and the look of panic on my dads face when he had to track me down in the woods because I jumped the fence in our back yard and ran into the woods trying to catch one on my own.... I remember......Our trips to Landa Park to feed the ducks......my first hunting trip with my dad and grandpa....showing off all the bugs and frogs I would catch....stopping at the bakery on our way to Landa Park......listening to him sings songs off of 8 tracks....his laugh.....the way he would laugh and laugh while watching silly shows like Ren and Stimpy or Bevis and Butthead.....the dress that he bought me for my first dance...it was a very frilly old Victorian dress..nothing but lace and ruffles.. I remember the look of pride on his face as he presented it to me and the feeling of  absolute terror I had at the thought of wearing it. I remember my dad teaching me to drive...listening to music in the back of the small car. I remember how he could take something as normal as a gas station and turn it into something magical. For us the gas stations were candy stores...I remember how he would captivate us with the stories from his youth. I remember how safe he made me feel......how safe I was when he hugged me.....how safe I felt just knowing he was here.
     My dad was dreamer with plans and dreams that were larger than life. I remember laying in bed with him and designing our future home on the massive amount of land he dreamed of owning. It was beautiful...we added a pool, a hot tub, a toy room, and each of us kids had our own room. He always laughed as he drew and added to my ever growing list .....a basketball court, a dance room and a tennis court. When we would finish he would look at it and say " we will live here someday" and with everything that was in me ....I believed him....still do. He gave me the greatest gift... the ability to dream and believe. He allowed me to dream big without any blocks or hesitations.He reinforced my love for nature and the beauty and power that comes from the earth. He opened my heart and taught me from example the joy of helping others. He was always helping everyone.
     These are just a few of the things that he did as my dad...I could write a book on the gifts and joys that he brought to my life...........Time marched on and daddy transitioned into Papaw and his grand babies only opened his heart more. There was nothing that he would not do for his grand kids. He missed them like crazy when they were not with him. His room was known as the sanctuary and as long as the kids were safe in his room they could not be punished for anything...period. He was able to sit and spend hours with them talking and watching TV. As much as he loved them.......they returned the love for him 10 times over. He could do no wrong......even when he was in his worst pain...he had time and patience to hold and love his babies.. My sisters little girl Ana Lyn lived further away ...but was always in his heart....he would pull her pictures out and talk about how much he missed her ....and tell us all of the stories that Amy had  told him about what she had been doing. When I talked to my kids about their favorite memories of him they talked and talked about all that he did for them....all the fun they had.....and said there were to many to choose from.* getting marker tattoos....sucking Papaws thumb instead of a pacifier...trips to Fort Pillow before he got sick*.....but my youngest summed it up when he said...."I use to hang out in his room with him all the time....its all I ever needed."
     I spent to much time the last few months of his life being angry with him. I spent to much time wishing he would quit trying to change me and love me for me. I wish that I spent that time seeing that he needed all of us. He needed me.....and it wasn't that he was trying to change me.....he always wanted what was best...even if we disagreed on what that was. I wish I could have seen how much he really loved me before he passed. I wish that I could have seen just how much alike we really are. That all the stubbornness and passion that he brought when we argued about something ....was mirrored in me. I wish that I had realized I was frustrating him just as much if not more.I wish I could have appreciated all the gifts he brought to my life and been able to see that we really saw life much the same way....just with a different life story and perspective. I wish I had just laughed about it or I could have just seen it and not tried to change his views....wish I had just loved him and soaked up every minute I had with him.  My dad brought so much life and magic to every ones life and  I wish that in the last year of his life I had been able to remember all the good. I wish that I had not let all the petty arguments keep me from spending time with him. I just couldn't see how much I really needed him. I know now just how great he was to all of us and that are all feeling lost without him. I wish that I could feel arms around me one more time.
    I know I can't change anything that happened.....and that being the great man that he is.. he gave me another great gift when he passed. He made me see life differently....he reinforced the importance of being happy with where you and made me see how precious our time is with the ones we love. He taught me that we should not hold grudges....we should never hold back love or hold back telling someone how much they mean to us. He taught me that when we get caught up in our lives and problems...we fail to see the love and beauty around us. He taught me not to take anything for granted . He taught me to love the small things in my life and to find joy in them....to live and not fear.....he taught me that every day that I wake up and go through life with the ability to move and not feel pain....I am blessed.

     I know he is with me.....he is in my heart. He continues to bless my life every day. His love fuels my passion for life and love for my kids..my family...my loved ones....my friends.  He has not left us....his spirit will always be evident in not only my mom....and brother and sisters....but in his grand kids as well.....He left a legacy that much like his dreams is larger than life....  

Wishing to Fly

Another old blog from myspace.... December 15, 2008 

 

Like a bird she wishes she could fly

Through the air…no troubles so high

Walking on the ground she sighs…

For things here just make her cry

Nothing is easy and she is always lost

Reaching out for someone to heal her broken heart

Her soul is losing its light and its force

For what was once brilliant…

Is now amber and soft…

She is fading and wishes only to be free

Free of the hurt…free of all the bad dreams

Free of all of the lies that run free

She wants to feel the love that she gives…

Wants to know that others can care

All on her own and alone inside

She finds a safe place to run and hide

Lying under the moon with tears streaming down her face

She slowly and sadly accepts her fate…..

Her life begins to flash before her eyes.

This is not what she wants...she would rather die

Why could no one see her simple needs

Her soul is filling with fervor of fire

No more tears she vows

She pulls herself up and stares at the sky

Rage begins to swell within her

She swallows down all of the anger and hate…

There is a fire in her eyes no one can tame

She will have to break the ties that bond her to this existence

She will be free and she will fly away...

Consequences matter not

It is her destiny and her fate…no one can stop it

They saw the hurt to late…

Now she flies throughout the night time sky

Empowered and free